Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families

Visiting The Deathbed or Attending The Funeral Of An Estranged Relative

Thank you to everyone who responded to our poll.  You can see some of the results in our article WHEN YOUR ABUSER OR ESTRANGED RELATIVE DIES- CONDOLENCES, OBITUARIES, AND GOING TO THE FUNERAL.  I know how difficult it is to decide whether to attend the funeral of a parent or sibling who was no longer speaking to you or who spent years abusing you,  and I have included some of my own testimony about this, as well as what the Bible says about funerals, honoring the dead, etc.  I pray this article will help you make your decision and also find the peace you need and deserve.  God bless you,  Sister Renee

 

 

*Please note: Poll will close on March 1, 2007.  Please respond by then so we can include your opinions.  Thank you and God bless.

Please print out this survey, record your answers, and send it to us at Luke 17:3 Ministries, PO Box 684, Chestertown, NY 12817. If you prefer, click on 'Printer Friendly Version' at the bottom of the page first.  You do not have to include your name; in any case, all replies will be kept confidential.  Responses will be ANONYMOUSLY discussed in a future article.  Please give copies to anyone else you know who might be willing to share their thoughts, or e-mail or write us and I will send you some copies.  Thank you and God bless.

A. An  estranged  relative (not on speaking terms with you) has died. Would you attend the wake or funeral? YES______ NO_______

If you answered YES, please indicate which of the following scenarios would be important to you in influencing your decision to go .

 If you answered NO, please indicate which of the following scenarios, if any, might influence you to change your mind and  go after all:

 Please answer YES, NO, or MAYBE to each situation:

I would attend the funeral of an estranged relative if the following circumstances applied:

1. We had been estranged less than 1 year _________2. We had been estranged from 1-5 years_________3. We had been estranged from 5-10 years___________ 4. We had been estranged from 10-20 years_______5. We had been estranged from 20-30 years_______6. We had been estranged more than 30 years_______

7. This person is a first degree relative (parent, sibling)_______8. This person is a second-degree relative (grandparent, aunt, uncle)______9. This person is a cousin, in-law, or more distant relative_______10. This person and I were never close______11. This person and I were close before the estrangement________

12. I am the one who stopped speaking to this person and I have my regrets______13. I am the one who stopped speaking to this person and I have no regrets_______14. This person stopped speaking to me_______15. This person has shown an interest in making up in the past_____16. This person has never shown an interest in making up_____17. I tried to make up in the past but this person rejected me______18. This person abused me for many years_______19. This person betrayed me_______20. This person hurt someone I love______21. Other relatives would disapprove if I did not go______ 22. I feel that I need closure_____________23. I really don’t want to go______24. Other____________________________________________________

If you originally answered that NO, you would not go to the funeral, please indicate what thoughts would influence you NOT to go : (answer YES, NO, or MAYBE)

1. It would upset me too much________2. My presence might upset others____________3. It would bring back bad memories_____________4. I was never close to this person anyway__________5. This person did something so terrible that I want nothing to do with them_____6. I would feel like a hypocrite___________7. I am afraid I will get emotional__________8. I don’t want to dredge up the past___________

9. I have forgiven this person or gotten over what they did and don’t see the point in getting drawn back in_______10. I have no interest in going_________11. There is no reason for me to be there______12. By his own choice, not mine, this person is an enemy, not a friend_______

13. I wouldn’t be welcome_________14. I do not want to see other people who will be there________15. It makes no difference to the deceased whether I am there or not_______16. If I go, other relatives who supported this person against me will be there_____17. If I go, relatives who took this person’s side against me may confront me______18. If I go, judgmental relatives may ask me to leave_____19. If I go, there will likely be a big emotional scene centering around me_______20. People who haven’t spoken to me in years should not expect to use a funeral as an excuse for a reunion________21. If someone didn’t want me around when we were all alive and well, why would they care about my presence now?______22. I hate funerals and don’t go to any if I don’t have to______23. Other______________________________________

Do you agree or disagree with the following statements? Please mark YES, NO, or MAYBE:

1. I will feel guilty if I do not go______2. Other people will judge me if I do not go_______3. I need closure________4. Other people may want the closure of me being there______5. Relatives who still cared for this person may need my support_____

6. If I don’t go, I am afraid I will regret it years from now_____7. I will show others that I am a forgiving person by going______8. Forgiving in my heart is not good enough, I have to show others that I have forgiven_____9. If I do not go, it must mean I have not forgiven, and that is a sin_______10. By paying my last respects, I will show others that I am the bigger person______

11. No matter what a person has done, it is the right thing to go______12. Even if a person is pure evil, it is still the right thing to go______13. God wants me to go to funerals; it is a sin not to go________14. It would help in my healing if I went____________

Whose feelings are the most important to consider in deciding whether to attend the funeral of a relative who was not on speaking terms with you?

 Please mark 1-9 with #1 being the MOST important and #9 being the LEAST important:

My feelings___________My estranged relative’s feelings_________The feelings of my loved ones_________The feelings of those who cared for my estranged relative____________The feelings of people who supported me__________The feelings of relatives who took my estranged relative’s side against me__________The feelings of those who might judge me________The feelings of relatives who remained neutral____________The feelings of friends, neighbors, or other people____________

B. Now please think about the same circumstances, except that your estranged relative has not died yet, but is in the hospital on his or her death-bed. Would you go to see this person before they died? YES_______ NO__________

 If you answered YES, please indicate which of the following scenarios would influence your decision to go .

 If you answered NO, please indicate which of the following scenarios, if any, might influence you to change your mind and go after all :

Please answer YES, NO, or MAYBE to each situation:

I would go to see an estranged relative who was dying under the following circumstances:

1. We had been estranged less than 1 year _________2. We had been estranged from 1-5 years_________3. We had been estranged from 5-10 years___________ 4. We had been estranged from 10-20 years_______5. We had been estranged from 20-30 years_______6. We had been estranged more than 30 years_______

7. This person is asking for me and wants to see me before he dies_______8. This person is not asking to see me_______9. This person has said she doesn’t want to see me_______10. This person does not even remember me_______11. This person is unconscious and will not know whether I am there or not________

12. This person is a first degree relative (parent, sibling)_______13. This person is a second-degree relative (grandparent, aunt, uncle)______14. This person is a cousin, in-law, or more distant relative_______15. This person and I were never close______16. This person and I were close before the estrangement________

17. I am the one who stopped speaking to this person and I have my regrets______18. I am the one who stopped speaking to this person and I have no regrets_______19. This person stopped speaking to me_______20. This person has shown an interest in making up in the past_____21. This person has never shown an interest in making up_____22. I tried to make up in the past but this person rejected me______

23. I feel that I need closure____________24. I have things I need to get off my chest___________25. I feel I will never have another chance to talk to this person about what they did to me______26. This person abused me for many years_______27. This person betrayed me_______28. This person hurt someone I love______29. Other relatives would disapprove if I did not go______30. Other____________________________________

If you originally answered that NO, you would not go to the hospital, please indicate what thoughts would influence you NOT to go : (Please answer YES, NO, or MAYBE)

1. It would upset me too much________2. My presence might upset the sick person____________3. It would bring back bad memories_____________4. I was never close to this person anyway__________5. This person did something so terrible that I want nothing to do with them_____6. I would feel like a hypocrite___________7. I am afraid I will get emotional__________8. I don’t want to dredge up the past___________9. I have forgiven this person or gotten over what they did and don’t see the point in getting drawn back in_______10. I have no interest in going_________11. There is no reason for me to be there______12. By his own choice, not mine, this person is an enemy, not a friend________

13. I wouldn’t be welcome_________14. I do not want to see other people who will be there_______15. I don’t want to intrude on the time the sick person is spending with those who care about him______16. My presence may upset other relatives______17. It makes no difference to the sick person whether I am there or not_______

18. This person has never shown an interest in making up_____19. I tried to make up in the past but this person rejected me______20. This person is not asking to see me_______21. This person has said she doesn’t want to see me_______22. This person does not even remember me_______23. This person is unconscious and will not know whether I am there or not________

24. If I go, other relatives who supported this person against me will be there_____25. If I go, relatives who took this person’s side against me may confront me______26. If I go, judgmental relatives may ask me to leave_____27. If I go, there will likely be a big emotional scene centering around me_______28. The last person I would want to see on my death bed would be someone who is not speaking to me______29. People who haven’t spoken to me in years should not expect to use sickness as an excuse for a reunion________30. If someone didn’t want me around when we were all alive and well, why would they care about my presence now?______31. I hate hospitals and don’t go to any if I don’t have to______32. Other_____________________________________

 Do you agree or disagree with the following statements? Please mark YES, NO, or MAYBE:

1. I will feel guilty if I do not go______2. Other people will judge me if I do not go_______3. I need closure________4. Other people may want the closure of me being there______5 Relatives who still cared for this person may want me to go_____6. If I don’t go, I am afraid I will regret it years from now_____

7. When you forgive someone, you must let them know in person________8. I must provide this person with one last chance to apologize______9. I must tell this person I forgive him even if he does not ask for forgiveness, apologize or repent______10. I must be the bigger person_______11. I don’t want anyone else to judge me or think I’m a bad person________12. I have to give this person the opportunity to get any guilt off his chest______13. I have things that I need to get off my chest______

14. I will show others that I am a forgiving person by going______15. Forgiving in my heart is not good enough, I have to show others that I have forgiven_____16. If I do not go, it must mean I have not forgiven, and that is a sin_______17. God wants me to go; it is a sin not to________

18. No matter what a person has done, it is the right thing to go______19. Even if a person is pure evil, it is still the right thing to go______20. God requires me not just to forgive in my heart, but to make it known that I have forgiven________21. Nobody can rest in peace if they die with unfinished business_____22. I have to give this person the opportunity to settle our differences whether he wants to or not________23. I have to try to get this person to accept Jesus before she dies so she will be saved________24. It would help in my healing if I went_______________

Please answer YES, NO or MAYBE:

"If I was the dying person, I would want a visit from…….'

A relative who had "divorced me"______A relative whom I had "divorced"_________A relative who had abused me________A relative who had betrayed me_________A relative who had abandoned me_________Someone (an "enemy") I had not seen in the last year_______Someone (an "enemy") I had not seen in the last 5 years_________Someone (an "enemy") I had not seen in the last 10 years________Someone (an "enemy") I had not seen in the last 20 years_________Someone (an "enemy") I have not seen in the last 30 years___________

Whose feelings are the most important to consider in deciding whether to go to the deathbed of a relative who was not on speaking terms with you?

 Please mark 1-9 with #1 being the MOST important and #9 being the LEAST important:

My feelings___________My estranged relative’s feelings_________The feelings of my loved ones_________The feelings of those who cared for my estranged relative____________The feelings of people who supported me__________The feelings of relatives who took my estranged relative’s side against me__________The feelings of those who might judge me________The feelings of relatives who remained neutral____________The feelings of friends, neighbors, or other people____________

C. Have you actually ever been in the position of having to decide whether to attend the funeral of an estranged relative? YES_______ NO_______

If so, did you go to the funeral? YES______ NO________ Please explain briefly the reasons you made this decision __________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________ How long ago was this funeral?_______________ How was this person related to you (sibling, parent, cousin, aunt, etc.)________________________ Are you at peace with your decision?____________________ Do you have any regrets about your decision?_____________________ Do you feel you made the best decision for YOU?______________ If you had it to do over again, would you make the same choice? SAME________ DIFFERENT_________

 D. Have you actually ever been in the position of having to decide whether to go see an estranged relative who was dying? YES_______ NO_______

If so, did you go to see this person? YES______ NO________ Please explain briefly the reasons you made this decision__________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ How long ago was this situation?_______________ How was this person related to you (sibling, parent, cousin, aunt, etc.)________________________ Are you at peace with your decision?____________________ Do you have any regrets about your decision?_____________________ Do you feel you made the best decision for YOU?______________ If you had it to do over again, would you make the same choice? SAME________ DIFFERENT_________

E. What is your ethnic background? (Irish, Italian, German, Spanish, etc.)_________ Do you feel your ethnic culture influences your answers on this survey?__________

 What is your racial background?________ Do you feel that the culture of your race influences your answers?_____________

Are you an American?_____________ Do you feel that the American culture influences your answers?___________ If you are not American, do you feel that your country’s culture influences your answers?_______

 What religion do you consider yourself to be?_______________ Do you feel that your religious beliefs influence your answers?______________

 Do you feel that your upbringing or family background influences your answers?____________

Are you female or male?_____________ Do you feel your gender influences your answers?_____________

Please indicate your age group: 20-30____, 30-40____, 40-50_____, 50-60_____, 60-70______, Over 70______,

Please add any comments or thoughts you have about these topics. If you have actually dealt with one of these situations in real life, we would greatly appreciate any advice you might have to pass along. Please keep us in your prayers as we proceed to write a future article on this difficult subject. Again, thank you so much for all your help and God bless.

Copyright 2002-2017.-All articles on this site are copyrighted. Permission to copy is granted for non-profit use only.Please help yourself to anything we write if you can use it to help others. A link back to this site is our only requirement. Please contact us for any commercial or other use. All e-mails, letters, and other correspondence become the property of Luke 17:3 Ministries, Inc. Due to the large volume of e-mails, we're sorry that we are unable to personally answer every one, but we do lift everyone who writes to us in prayer to the Lord.
The Lord specifically called Sister Renee to minister to Adult Children, not their parents, estranged siblings or friends, abusive or abused spouses, or victims of other types of abuse, although what we write here can often be meaningful for those folks as well. Because of this, our ministry and website have a narrow focus which we will not be changing. We simply can't cover everything. In addition, it is not our purpose to help you re-establish contact with someone who felt it was necessary to cut you off for the sake of their own well-being. We do not keep a list of resources for estranged parents or any other type of abuse and suggest if you are sincerely interested in making amends with an estranged relative, you do an internet search for a website or group that will be more relevant to you. If you cannot find a group or site that you can relate to, we suggest you start your own, and bless other people in your position as well as find support for your personal issues. 
For Adult Children and others as well, please understand that we cannot give you personal advice concerning your particular family relationships.  We are not therapists or lawyers, we usually do not have enough information to form an opinion, and time does not permit us to give enough thought to each person's individual situation to do it justice. If you need personal advice, we urge you to contact the appropriate professional, depending on the problem you have- your minister, therapist, attorney, police department, local domestic violence hotline, etc. In reading this site, you acknowledge that nothing you might read here qualifies as or substitutes for professional advice. Please note we cannot recommend or refer you to a counselor and we do not have a list of therapists or recovery groups in your area. The only Counselor we recommend is the Holy Ghost, and we encourage you to read the Bible and learn for yourself what the Lord says about the issues we write about.
Our articles are strictly our personal opinions and testimonies and are not intended to give or offer any advice. All who access this site do so with the understanding that we are NOT professional counselors and we strongly recommend that you discuss your individual situation with your pastor or therapist and pray for the Lord's guidance before acting on anything we write on this site. Unfortunately, the abuse we discuss is all too common, inflicted on countless victims by countless perpetrators. All names and identifying details in our articles have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. Any resemblance to a real person or persons whom you might know is strictly coincidental.