Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc
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For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families
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FEBRUARY 2005 Newsletter

LUKE 17:3 Ministries

for adult daughters

of controlling or abusive birth-families

A sisterhood for those who seek support in developing self-esteem, setting boundaries and limits, forgiveness, Godly confrontation, recognizing and cutting ties with reprobates, healing, and rejoicing in the peace and love of

 the Lord, our Father

take heed to yourselves.  If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him……..Luke 17:3

VOLUME 3,   ISSUE 1                                                                                                                          FEBRUARY 2005


 

Luke 17: 3 is the scripture often misquoted, usually by an abuser or his enabler, when he tells you that the Bible says “Forgive and Forget”, or that you must forgive him because you  are a Christian.  However, Jesus is very specific when he tells us to rebuke the sinner, and if he repents, to forgive him.  Have you rebuked your abuser, and has he or she repented?

THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL CONDONED BY SOCIETY.  THE ONLY ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS CRITICIZED OR ABANDONED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF. CHILD ABUSE THAT DIDN’T END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN…THE CONTINUING ABUSE OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR PARENTS.

If you have ever experienced Adult Child Abuse by a parent, sibling, or other relative, We Welcome You!

Our newsletter is sent to you free-of-charge, as the Lord continually provides. Do you know someone who would like to be on our mailing list? 

If so, please contact:

Sister Renee Pittelli

Luke 17:3 Ministries, Inc.

P.O. Box 684

Chestertown, NY  12817

or E-mail us at:

 

luke173@hotmail.com

 

VISIT OUR NEW WEBSITE AT:

www.luke173ministries.org

Please ask about our Luke 17:3 Ministry in Tennessee, founded by Sister Denise Rossignol.

We praise you, Jesus!

MEANINGFUL  VS. MEANINGLESS APOLOGIES

Part 1

By Sister Renee

            At one time or another, we’ve all received an apology we didn’t really feel all that good about.  An apology that leaves us feeling pressured to forgive and restore a relationship without quieting any of our fears that the one who offended us or betrayed us can’t be trusted not to repeat or continue his unacceptable behavior. 

The kind of apology that attempts to absolve the offender of any wrongdoing, or tries to make us feel responsible for someone else’s offensive behavior toward us, that tries to blame us for our own victimization or betrayal.  The kind of apology that accuses us of overreacting, being too sensitive, or taking what was said or done the wrong way. 

            An apology where the offender never actually acknowledges that he was wrong or takes responsibility for his behavior.  An apology that attempts to make light of the offense. Apologies that try to “turn it around” and accuse the victim of being the offender.

           

GOD’S WORD

          They have turned their backs to me and not their faces; yet when they are in trouble, they say “Come and save us!”  Where then are the gods you made for yourselves? Let them come if they can save you when you are in trouble!....Jeremiah 2:27-28 NIV

            For every living soul belongs to me, the father and well as the son- both alike belong to me.  The soul who sins is the one who will  die….Ezekiel 18:4 NIV

            Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ…..Galatians 1:10 NIV

Apologies that are “too little, too late”, given weeks, months, or even years later, after you’ve moved on with your life.  Apologies that are only given because the abuser now wants or needs something from you. 

            An apology calculated to make it seem as if you have misjudged the offender; for instance, one in which the offender tells you he is praying for you or uses other religious references in an attempt to make himself seem too nice, religious, or Godly to have actually done what you say he did.

Continued on page 2………

            An apology in which the offender gives absolutely no assurance that he won’t do exactly the same thing again the next time- one in which the offender  shows no desire or intent at all to change.  Apologies that simply offer rationalizations, justifications, and lame excuses. 

            A grudging apology that is only given to shut you up and get you to move on or not tell anyone else about the offense or betrayal.  An apology that would never have been given at all if the offender wasn’t caught red-handed in his wrongdoing.  An apology that demands immediate forgiveness, and tries to make you feel guilty or un-Christian-like if you hesitate.

            My personal pet peeve is the vague, half-baked apology in which the offender says she is sorry for “what happened” or sorry for “the way things turned out” instead of sorry for “what I did” or sorry for “what I said”.  It drives me crazy when I watch or read a news story about the conviction or sentencing of a murderer or a drunk driver who killed someone and the guilty party “apologizes” to the victim’s family by saying “I’m sorry for ‘what happened’” , “I’m sorry ‘this happened’” or “I’m sorry ‘for your family’s pain’” instead of “I’m sorry for what I did”, “I’m sorry I killed your loved one “, or “I apologize for the pain I caused  your family.” The loved one didn’t just “happen” to die, the criminal killed him!  This lame “apology” is an attempt to sway the judge into giving a more lenient sentence because the criminal has “shown remorse”, while never actually admitting any guilt or taking any responsibility.  Many times insult is added to injury by the “poor” killer whining about how much he is suffering now by having to ”live with this” for the rest of his life!

             We can often observe exactly the same dynamic at work in meaningless apologies given to victims of abusive relatives.  A wishy-washy, non-committal, half-hearted apology given strictly for expediency’s sake, without ever clearly owning up to what he did, is an abuser’s way of attempting to buy some leniency from, or get back into the good graces of, the victim, or others who might disapprove of what he did, with the least possible amount of effort on his part, no admission of wrongdoing or guilt, and no commitment to changing his ways.  Ever self-centered, abusive people often go on to add how the family rift (which they caused), is affecting them, how much they are suffering, and how hard it is for them to “live with this.”  As usual, when dealing with an abuser, betrayer, or control-freak, you will find it’s always all about him!

            Even more useless is the “Non-Apology”, in which a betrayer or offender hopes to restore a relationship she had destroyed by arranging to “coincidentally” or “accidentally” be in the victim’s presence and just start talking again, as if nothing ever happened, and without ever actually having to apologize at all.  This maneuver is usually attempted in front of other people in an effort to embarrass or pressure the victim into “burying the hatchet” and speaking to the offender again rather than risk appearing unforgiving.  After abusing or seriously betraying a loved one, it would seem that the offender would have to be in denial to the point of psychosis to actually think that this ruse would work and she could just pick up where she left off.  Yet, many betrayers or abusers do just that, and even more incredibly, many victims sheepishly allow it, thus marching right back into a destructive relationship that is never going to change.

            Meaningless apologies are given for the purpose of benefiting the offender in some way instead of helping the victim to feel better.  They only pay lip service to being sorry, but there is no actual remorse.  They are an attempt to just “get it over with” while allowing the abuser to come out of it looking good in some way, with his pride and dignity still intact.  They are often intended to subtly make the victim look like the guilty one who will not be “satisfied” with an apology.

            Unfortunately, much of what defines an abusive person is extreme selfishness and an exaggerated sense of entitlement, rather than humility and genuine concern for others.  Much to the surprise of many abusers, they are not entitled to forgiveness merely on the basis of an empty, trite, worthless, or insincere apology.

            An important distinction needs to be made.  God requires us to forgive whenever there is repentance, just as he forgives us when we repent. (Luke 17:3, Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32, Ezekiel 33:10-19, Isaiah 55:6, Jeremiah 6:16 & 26:3, Luke 13: 3 & 5, Acts 3:19) 

            However, a mere apology does not constitute repentance.  Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary defines “Repent” as “to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one’s life; to feel regret or contrition”. The Oxford American Dictionary defines “Repent” as “to feel regret about what one has done or failed to do.”  When one who has victimized us has demonstrated that he truly regrets what he has done, and that he has turned from his abusive behavior and has dedicated himself to changing his ways- only then are we scripturally required to forgive.  Even then, although we are required to forgive, we are still not required to reconcile.

            There is no reason to accept a meaningless apology.  Here are some characteristics of a meaningless apology, given by an unrepentant offender:

*IS PHONY AND INSINCERE INSTEAD OF GENUINE AND HEARTFELT.

*DOESN’T ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR WRONGDOING.

*DOESN’T ACKNOWLEDGE THE DAMAGE DONE TO THE VICTIM BY THE OFFENDING WORDS OR ACTIONS.

*NEVER ACTUALLY USES THE WORDS “I’M SORRY” OR “I APOLOGIZE”.

*VAGUELY SAYS “I APOLOGIZE FOR’WHAT HAPPENED’” INSTEAD OF FOR “WHAT I DID.

*BLAMES THE VICTIM, BY IMPLYING OR TELLING HER POINT-BLANK THAT SOMETHING SHE DID OR SAID CAUSED HIM TO DO WHAT HE DID TO HER.

*IS GIVEN ONLY TO AVOID PUNISHMENT OR NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES.

*TRIES TO AVOID ACTUALLY HAVING TO FACE THE VICTIM AND DEAL DIRECTLY WITH HER PAIN OR HURT FEELINGS.

*ATTEMPTS TO AVOID ANY ACTUAL DISCUSSION OF THE HURTFUL INCIDENT-“I SAID I WAS SORRY.  WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?  LET’S JUST DROP IT.”

*IS GIVEN GRUDGINGLY, AS IF BEING FORCED TO APOLOGIZE-MAY BE GIVEN THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH, OR WITH AN ANGRY, RESENTFUL, OR BITTER FACIAL EXPRESSION OR TONE OF VOICE.

*TRIES TO “TURN IT AROUND” AND ACCUSE THE VICTIM OF DOING WHAT THE OFFENDER ACTUALLY DID (PROJECTION),  OF DOING SOMETHING TO THE OFFENDER FIRST (WHICH CAUSED HIM TO RETALIATE), OR OF DOING SOMETHING TO “DESERVE IT”.

*WAITS FOR MONTHS OR YEARS TO PASS, SO HOPEFULLY THE VICTIM WILL FORGET HALF OF WHAT WAS DONE TO HER, AND CAN BE ACCUSED OF NOT “LETTING BYGONES BE BYGONES” IF SHE DOESN’T.

*TRIES TO DEFEND, RATIONALIZE, JUSTIFY, EXPLAIN, OR EXCUSE BEHAVIOR THAT CAUSED PAIN FOR OTHERS-TO SHOW THAT THERE WAS A GOOD REASON FOR THE OFFENSE, THEREBY IMPLYING THAT THE VICTIM IS WRONG FOR BEING OFFENDED.

*FOCUSES ON THE OFFENDER’S FEELINGS RATHER THAN THOSE OF THE VICTIM-“I MISS OUR RELATIONSHIP”, “ I WANT YOU BACK IN MY LIFE”,  I HAVE NOTHING IN MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU”, YOU KNOW I HATE BEING ALONE FOR THE HOLIDAYS.”

*IS GIVEN ONLY TO MAKE THE OFFENDER LOOK GOOD TO OTHERS “I WAS THE BIGGER PERSON- I APOLOGIZED.”

*IS GIVEN BECAUSE THE OFFENDER NOW NEEDS SOMETHING FROM THE VICTIM OR WANTS HER TO DO SOMETHING FOR HIM.

*TRIES TO MAKE THE VICTIM DOUBT HER OWN FEELINGS OR PERCEPTIONS-“I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT”, “THAT’S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I SAID”, “YOU TOOK IT THE WRONG WAY”, OR, WORSE YET, “YOU ALWAYS TAKE THINGS THE WRONG WAY.”

*IS CONDITIONAL- “I’M SORRY, BUT….”

*ATTEMPTS TO MAKE THE VICTIM FEEL GUILTY- “YOU KNOW, YOU’RE NOT PERFECT, EITHER”, “WE BOTH HAVE TO FORGIVE EACH OTHER”, “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE TALKING TO ME THIS WAY.”

*TRIES TO EVOKE UNDERSTANDING OR SYMPATHY FOR THE OFFENDER-“BUT IN ALL FAIRNESS TO ME….”

*STATES OR INSINUATES THAT SHE DID WHAT SHE DID FOR THE VICTIM’S “OWN GOOD” OR TO HELP THE VICTIM IN SOME WAY.

*REFERS TO THE INCIDENT AS A “MISUNDERSTANDING” OR A “MISTAKE” DESPITE SOLID EVIDENCE, OR EVEN A PRIOR ADMISSION, THAT IT WAS INTENTIONAL.

*IS DELIVERED IN A PATRONIZING, CONDESCENDING, SARCASTIC, OR “HUMOROUS” MANNER.

*MINIMIZES OR TRIVIALIZES THE DAMAGE DONE OR THE VICTIM’S FEELINGS.

*PLACES RESPONSIBILITY FOR FEELING HURT OR BETRAYED ON THE VICTIM-SAYS “I’M SORRY YOU FEEL BAD” INSTEAD OF “I’M SORRY I HURT YOU”.

*THE OFFENDER DOESN’T OWN UP TO DOING ANYTHING OFFENSIVE, OR CLAIMS INNOCENT SURPRISE AT THE VICTIM’S HURT FEELINGS-“I’M SORRY IF I HURT YOU” INSTEAD OF “I’M SORRY THAT I HURT YOU”.

*IS DONE WITH THE LEAST POSSIBLE EFFORT OR IN SUCH A WAY AS TO CAUSE THE LEAST AMOUNT OF DISCOMFORT TO THE OFFENDER, PERHAPS THROUGH E-MAIL, OR USING ANOTHER PERSON AS AN INTERMEDIARY.

*IS GIVEN JUST TO GET THE WHOLE THING OVER WITH.

*EXPECTS THE APOLOGY TO MAGICALLY ERASE ALL THE HURT WITHOUT ANY FURTHER EFFORT REQUIRED.

*DOES NOT ASSURE THE VICTIM IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN-PRETENDS TO BE OFFENDED THAT THE VICTIM WOULD EVEN SUGGEST THAT HE MIGHT DO IT AGAIN UNLESS HE PROMISES NOT TO.

*DOES NOT THINK RESTITUTION SHOULD BE EXPECTED-CLAIMS HIS APOLOGY SHOULD BE ENOUGH.

*DOES NOT OFFER TO, OR FEEL SHE SHOULD HAVE TO, DO WHATEVER POSSIBLE TO MAKE AMENDS, MAKE IT UP TO THE VICTIM, OR RIGHT THE WRONG SHE COMMITTED.

*DOES NOT OFFER TO DO WHATEVER POSSIBLE TO UNDO THE DAMAGE DONE- SUCH AS ADMITTING TO OTHERS THAT HE TOLD THEM LIES ABOUT THE VICTIM, ETC.

*TRIES TO PRESSURE THE VICTIM INTO “FORGIVING AND FORGETTING”.

*IS UNWILLING TO SPEND TIME AND EFFORT PROVING TO THE VICTIM THAT HE CAN BE TRUSTED AGAIN OR THAT HE HAS CHANGED HIS WAYS- WANTS IMMEDIATE FORGIVENESS.

*BECOMES ANGRY, UPSET, OR TURNS IT AROUND AND PLAYS THE VICTIM IF HER APOLOGY ISN’T IMMEDIATELY AND UNCONDITIONALLY ACCEPTED-  BECOMES INSULTED IF THE VICTIM WANTS SOME TIME, PROMISES OR ASSURANCES BEFORE DECIDING  WHETHER TO ACCEPT THE APOLOGY OR NOT.

*PROMPTLY GIVES UP AND MAKES NO FURTHER EFFORT IF MEANINGLESS APOLOGY IS NOT ACCEPTED ON THE FIRST TRY.  OFFFENDER IS RELIEVED AT BEING ABLE TO TELL OTHERS “AT LEAST I TRIED” WHILE, IN REALITY, WASHING HIS HANDS OF THE WHOLE INCIDENT.

 To be Continued…..Don’t miss the comparison to meaningful apologies in part 2, in our May 2005 Newsletter.

The Wisdom of Proverbs

There is hope only for the living.  For as they say, “It is better to be a live dog than a  dead  lion!” …Ecclesiates 9:4 NLT

         

claiming the victory 

WHO’S YOUR DADDY?

PART 2

                In part one, we have seen how our Heavenly Father loves us, protects us, provides for us, disciplines us, watches over us, and teaches us.  How glorious is our Lord!  Here we will continue our discussion of the perfect-parent traits evident in our relationship with our Abba.

                COMFORTS US:  There is no such thing as a life without disappointment, pain, and sorrow.  A loving parent is severely grieved when his child experiences heartache, and will do everything he can to comfort his child and to wipe away her tears.  Our Father wants us to come to him in times of sorrow, so that he may comfort us.

                The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; Because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; He hath sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound: to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified….Isaiah 61:1-3 KJV

                I, even I, am the one who comforts you.  So why are you afraid of mere humans, who wither like the grass and disappear?.....Isaiah 51: 12 NLT

                You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book…..Psalm 56:8 NLT

                For the Lamb who is in the midst of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to the living fountains of waters.  And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes….Revelation 7:17 NKJV

                He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds…Psalm 147:3 KJV

                For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me up…Psalm 27:10 NASB

                The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit…Psalm34:18NIV

                As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you….Isaiah 66:13 NIV

                Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted….Matthew 5:4 KJV

                IS TRUSTWORTHY:   In a world that is sometimes difficult to understand, a child needs to know that she can trust her parent.  While others may lie, deceive, or betray, a good parent is a refuge of honesty, trust, and security to a child.  Our Father can always be trusted to be truthful and to keep all his promises.

                The Lord has kept the promise he made; I have succeeded David my father and now I sit on the throne of Israel, just as the Lord promised….1 Kings 8:20 NIV

                The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made….Psalm 145:13 NIV

                In that day the people will proclaim,” This is our God.  We trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the Lord, in whom we trusted.  Let us rejoice in the salvation he brings!”…Isaiah 25:9 NLT

                And the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame…..Romans 9:33 NIV

                We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in him…1 John 4:16 NLT

                LISTENS TO US:  A great parent always has time to listen to his child and to truly hear what is on that child’s heart.  Our Father always hears us and pays attention to our needs and desires.

                If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.  Now My eyes will be open and My ears attentive to prayer made in this place….2 Chronicles 7:14 NKJV

                Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear…Isaiah 65:24 NIV

                IS PATIENT WITH US:  As a child grows, she stumbles many times and makes many mistakes, and a good parent is understanding.   Our Father has infinite patience with us as we often commit the same sin again and again. Although we often hurt him and offend him by not recognizing or acknowledging him as our Lord and Father, he patiently waits for us to mature into this understanding of his nature.  He understands how limited we are, and how slow to learn, and he gives us many chances to repent and turn to him.

                Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O Lord….Psalm 25: 7 NIV

                His anger lasts for a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime!  Weeping may go on all night, but joy comes with the morning….Psalm 30:5 NLT

                But He, being full of compassion, forgave their iniquity, and did not destroy them.  Yes, many a time He turned His anger away, and did not stir up all His wrath;  For He remembered that they were but flesh, A breath that passes away and does not come again… Psalm 78:38 NKJV

                The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in mercy…Psalm 103:8 NKJV

                The Lord is gracious and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy…Psalm 145:8KJV

                I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity…Jonah 4:2 NIV

                The Lord is slow to anger and great in power, and will not at all acquit the wicked ….Nahum 1:3 NKJV

                COUNSELS US:  How important the advice and counsel of a wise parent is to a maturing child.  We are always growing in the Lord but can never be completely grown.  What better counsel as we face life’s dilemmas and decisions than that of our all-knowing, all-loving Father?  We could never depend on anyone else to give us such perfect advice.

                And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace…..Isaiah 9:6 NKJV

                But Jehoshaphat also said to the king of Israel, “First seek the counsel of the Lord.”…1 Kings 22:5NIV

                And I will ask the Father, and he will give you  another  Counselor to be with you forever- the Spirit of truth.  The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him.  But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you….John 14: 16-17NIV

                But when the Father send the Counselor as my representative- and by the Counselor I mean the Holy Spirit- he will teach you everything and remind you of everything I myself have told you….John 14:26 NLT

                IS TRUTHFUL AND NEVER LIES TO US:  We can always, and with full confidence, completely believe the word of God.  The devil is the author of lies and untruth.  There is no deception at all in our Heavenly Father.  His way is absolutely pure, and he wants us to walk in truth.

                I am the Lord,” he says, “and there is no other.  I publicly proclaim bold promises.  I do not whisper obscurities in some dark corner so no one can understand what I mean.  And I did not tell the people of Israel to ask me for something I did not plan to give.  I, the Lord, speak only what is true and right.”….Isaiah 45:18-19 NLT

                “But when he, the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth.  He will not speak on his own; he will only speak what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.  He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you.  All that belongs to the Father is mine.  That is why I said the Spirit will take from what is mine and make it known to you….John 16:13-15 NIV

                I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil.  They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.  Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.  As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world.  And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.  Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word….John 17: 15-20 KJV (Jesus’ prayer for us and all his followers)

                Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me”…..John 14:6NIV

                IS ALWAYS FAIR:    Our Father will always treat us fairly.  His judgment is always righteous.  We can be assured that evildoers will have their punishment, and that we will never fail to be rewarded, in this life, and the next, for our faith, as well as our good works.  In the end, we know that both the wicked and the righteous will reap exactly what they each deserve.

                He will judge the world in righteousness; he will govern the peoples with justice.  The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.  Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you….Psalm 9:8-10 NIV

                The Lord is known by his justice; the wicked are ensnared by the work of their hands….Psalm 9: 16 NIV

                He is the Rock; his work is perfect.  Everything he does is just and fair.  He is a faithful God who does no wrong; how just and upright is he!....Deuteronomy 32:4 NLT

                God blesses those who are hungry and thirsty for justice, for they will receive it in full….Matthew 5:6 NLT

Thank you, Lord, for making yourself known to us.

To be continued in Part 3…..

               

Reading Spotlight

               

CHILDREN OF THE SELF-ABSORBED

A Grownup’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

By Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., L.P.C.

New Harbinger Publications

                This book describes Destructive Narcissistic Parents (DNPs), describes how being raised by them affected you, and gives very unique techniques for diffusing their ability to hurt you.  It subscribes to the theory that confrontation will not work because a narcissist will never change and does not believe he is doing anything wrong, but rather thinks that everyone else exists for his use and benefit; therefore other techniques for dealing with him are suggested, including  avoidance, humor, or  body language designed to subconsciously confuse the narcissist.

                Does your parent have attention needs, admiration needs, the need to be considered unique and special, lack of empathy, feel other are extensions of herself, grandiosity, shallow emotions, a sense of entitlement, emotionally abusive traits, or exploit others?  These characteristics identify a DNP, and specific examples of each trait are given. 

                As an adult, you can have two possible responses to being raised by a DNP.  You may have a Siege Response- some traits of which include becoming defiant when given orders or demands, rebelling against restrictions or rules, being wary or fearful of intimacy, feeling anxious or panicky when others want to be nurtured, guilty feelings, personalizing others’ behavior, being easily offended, etc. You may also exhibit the Compliant Response, including needing to be liked or approved of, feeling responsible for others’ well-being, feeling that others are taking advantage of you, sacrificing personal needs for others, being overemotional, being overly critical of yourself and others, etc.

                We are taught coping strategies which include developing emotional insulation, avoiding trying to empathize, giving up unrealistic fantasies, and meeting our emotional needs instead of putting them second to everyone else’s.

                The empowering strategies which are suggested are very interesting.  For instance, becoming contrary when a DNP is trying to manipulate us- without explaining or announcing what we are doing, simply doing the opposite of or something entirely different from whatever is wanted or ordered.  Other examples include becoming indifferent, avoiding interactions, setting guidelines your parent must follow in order to obtain your cooperation, practicing a blank facial expression and no response when being criticized, acting bored and “drifting” to another subject, asking a series of questions that will point out the absurdity of what they are saying, and declaring independence. It is important not to let them get a rise out of you or appear hurt, angry or defensive.

                This book is especially valuable for those with self-centered parents who exploit them, and have probably done so since childhood.  Many of us will recognize the narcissist in our own parents.

                Jesus

Is Lord !

           

           

 

Copyright 2002-2017.-All articles on this site are copyrighted. Permission to copy is granted for non-profit use only.Please help yourself to anything we write if you can use it to help others. A link back to this site is our only requirement. Please contact us for any commercial or other use. All e-mails, letters, and other correspondence become the property of Luke 17:3 Ministries, Inc. Due to the large volume of e-mails, we're sorry that we are unable to personally answer every one, but we do lift everyone who writes to us in prayer to the Lord.
The Lord specifically called Sister Renee to minister to Adult Children, not their parents, estranged siblings or friends, abusive or abused spouses, or victims of other types of abuse, although what we write here can often be meaningful for those folks as well. Because of this, our ministry and website have a narrow focus which we will not be changing. We simply can't cover everything. In addition, it is not our purpose to help you re-establish contact with someone who felt it was necessary to cut you off for the sake of their own well-being. We do not keep a list of resources for estranged parents or any other type of abuse and suggest if you are sincerely interested in making amends with an estranged relative, you do an internet search for a website or group that will be more relevant to you. If you cannot find a group or site that you can relate to, we suggest you start your own, and bless other people in your position as well as find support for your personal issues. 
For Adult Children and others as well, please understand that we cannot give you personal advice concerning your particular family relationships.  We are not therapists or lawyers, we usually do not have enough information to form an opinion, and time does not permit us to give enough thought to each person's individual situation to do it justice. If you need personal advice, we urge you to contact the appropriate professional, depending on the problem you have- your minister, therapist, attorney, police department, local domestic violence hotline, etc. In reading this site, you acknowledge that nothing you might read here qualifies as or substitutes for professional advice. Please note we cannot recommend or refer you to a counselor and we do not have a list of therapists or recovery groups in your area. The only Counselor we recommend is the Holy Ghost, and we encourage you to read the Bible and learn for yourself what the Lord says about the issues we write about.
Our articles are strictly our personal opinions and testimonies and are not intended to give or offer any advice. All who access this site do so with the understanding that we are NOT professional counselors and we strongly recommend that you discuss your individual situation with your pastor or therapist and pray for the Lord's guidance before acting on anything we write on this site. Unfortunately, the abuse we discuss is all too common, inflicted on countless victims by countless perpetrators. All names and identifying details in our articles have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. Any resemblance to a real person or persons whom you might know is strictly coincidental.