MAY 2006 Newsletter
LUKE
17:3 Ministries
for
adult daughters
of
controlling or abusive birth-families
A
sisterhood for those who seek support in developing self-esteem, setting
boundaries and limits, forgiveness, Godly confrontation, recognizing and cutting
ties with reprobates, healing, and rejoicing in the peace and love
of
the Lord, our
Father
take
heed to yourselves. If thy brother
trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him……..Luke
17:3
Happy Mother’s Day,
Dear Sisters!
VOLUME
4, ISSUE 2
MAY
2006
Luke 17: 3 is the scripture often misquoted, usually by an abuser or his
enabler, when he tells you that the Bible says “Forgive and Forget”, or that you
must forgive him because you are a
Christian. However, Jesus is very
specific when he tells us to rebuke the sinner, and if he repents,
to forgive him. Have you rebuked
your abuser, and has he or she repented?
THE
ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL CONDONED BY SOCIETY. THE ONLY ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS
CRITICIZED OR ABANDONED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF. CHILD ABUSE THAT DIDN’T END WHEN ADULTHOOD
BEGAN…THE CONTINUING ABUSE OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR
PARENTS.
If
you have ever experienced Adult Child
Abuse by a parent, sibling, or other relative, We Welcome
You!
Our
newsletter is sent to you free-of-charge, as the Lord continually provides. Do
you know someone who would like to be on our mailing list?
If
so, please contact:
Rev.
Renee Pittelli
Luke
17:3 Ministries, Inc.
P.O.
Box
684
Chestertown,
NY 12817
or
E-mail us at:
Luke
173@hotmail.com
VISIT
OUR WEBSITE
AT:
www.luke173ministries.org
Please ask about our Luke 17:3 Ministry
in Tennessee, founded by Rev. Denise
Rossignol.
Thank
you Jesus!
WHEN IS
IT EVER GOING TO BE MY TURN?
The
Exploitation Habit- If You Start It, They Will Come!
Part
2
By Rev.
Renee Pittelli
Givers,
Takers, And Family Dynamics
WHERE
DID WE GO WRONG?
Remember when we were children, how our parents taught us to take turns
and share? In fact, they insisted
on it. Back then, it was important
to our parents not to raise selfish kids.
But now that we are adults, for some reason our parents don’t seem to
mind if some of their kids are selfish, as long as at least one isn’t- so their
needs and wants will still be taken care of. When
you were growing up, your parents assigned chores. They made it clear that everyone was
expected to contribute to the family and to pull their own weight. Didn’t they insist that you be
responsible and do what was expected of you?- go to school, keep your grades up,
help out around the house, babysit your little brother, work part-time, pay some
of your own expenses?
(CONTINUED ON PAGE
2………)
Nehemiah said, “Go and
enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing
prepared. This day is sacred to our
Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of
the Lord is your strength.” The
Levites calmed all the people, saying, “Be still, for this is a sacred day. Do not grieve.” Then all the people went away to eat and
drink, to send portions of food and to celebrate with great joy, because they
now understood the words that had been made known to them….Nehemiah
8:9-12
There is a time for
everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a
time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to
tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to
mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a
time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a
time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time
to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for
war and a time for peace….Ecclesiates 3:1-8
PRAISE THE
LORD!
Back then, nobody wanted
the embarrassment of raising a bum- but that doesn’t seem to bother the folks
now.
In fact, the very parents who raised you to do your share, take turns,
and pull your own weight now don’t want to do THEIR share. And they don’t it mind if your
siblings don’t do their share either. In fact, they think YOU are wrong for
expecting it! What ever happened to
“Share with your sister” or “Now let your brother have a turn”? We were RAISED to share and take turns,
but now we are the “troublemakers” for expecting everybody to share and take
turns! When did everything change?
Where did we go wrong?
In this series, I am not going to analyze what our families are doing
wrong in detail- how they may have always spoiled the younger children and
expected the oldest to do all the work, how they only want to take turns and
share the good things- like ice cream and toys, not the bad things- like work,
how they always had a “favorite” child who got away with everything, how
birth-order dooms you to be the only responsible family member for the rest of
your life, etc. Much is already
written about these things, including many of the other articles on our
website.
The sad fact is that they aren’t going to change, so analyzing our
families’ motivations, personalities, and character deficits is pretty much a
waste of time for the purposes of this discussion. Instead, I will concentrate on analyzing
US, you and me- and just what it is about us that makes people walk all over
us! If we want to stop being taken
advantage of, WE are the ones who have to change what we are doing. We have to break the old patterns and
relate to our birth-relatives in new ways.
THEY have no motivation to change.
They like everything just fine the way it is, because it is to their
advantage, so they’re going to fight to maintain the status quo. WE are the ones who desire change;
therefore, WE are the ones who have to implement it.
YOUR
ASSIGNMENT IS…..
Every member of every
family has a role to play, some are the “serious” ones, some are the
“comedians”, some are the “wise ones” that others go to for advice, some are the
ones who tend to take on a lot of responsibility (the givers) and some are those
who happily let them (the takers).
In non-abusive families, things are a little more equal, and relatives
are fair and maintain give-and-take relationships. In normal families, although each person
has a “role”, the roles are flexible as circumstances change. The giver may be the one cooking every
family dinner most of the time, but if the giver gets the flu or goes away on a
ski trip, those who normally eat the dinners will cheerfully take over and cook
for a change. It is natural for
them to give the giver a break, and to care for the giver when the need
arises.
The difference with abusive families is that these roles are rigid and
unchanging, NO MATTER WHAT! With
selfish people who take advantage and exploit others for their own ends, once
you allow yourself to take on the role of
family “giver”, that will be your assigned role FOR LIFE- and you will be
giving until it hurts! Not only
will your family fail to do anything for you in return, they will also resist
you doing anything for yourself.
Don’t plan on taking a dream vacation, retiring and relocating, getting
sick, going back to college, or doing anything for yourself, especially if it
will interfere with being a slave to your relatives.
We have heard numerous testimonies from sisters who have gotten up out of
their sick beds to do favors for relatives, or hosted major holidays within a
couple of weeks of having major surgery.
The selfish demands of these relatives knows no bounds. There seems to be
few limits on how far they will go.
One could almost imagine lying in a hospital bed, deathly ill, and having
a relative call you up and demand that you come home to take her
shopping!
I speak from personal experience when I say that any attempt on your part
to give up some of the “giving”, once the habit is entrenched, will result in
hostility, resentment, escalating demands, and possibly end with some of your
relatives not speaking to you.
There is no logic to it, there will be no sense of fairness, and you will
not be able to reason with them because they will be completely irrational. In their minds, this is the way we’ve
always done things, this is the way it’s always been, and this is the way it’s
going to stay! You have no right to
change anything!
That is not to say that you shouldn’t change anything, just because
selfish relatives aren’t going to like it. If you find yourself caught in
this role far longer than you signed on for, and want and need to make some
changes, by all means go for it.
There are no slaves anymore- it’s time you enjoyed the freedom you
deserve. Just be forewarned and
prepared for the fallout from those selfish relatives, but don’t let it stop
you. It’s never too late to make
some changes and enjoy some of your own life.
Learn to set and enforce limits and boundaries (see the section about
this on our website) and get some supportive therapy to get you over the hump.
Learn to accept your family’s disapproval, say “Oh, well”, and move on. If your relatives only “love” you
because you allow them to use you, you are better off without them. Exploitation is not love. Domination is not love. Loving relationships do not break up
because a giving person needs to take care of herself for a change, or expects a
little in return once in a while.
TWO
KINDS OF TAKERS
The first kind of taker is the person who has ALWAYS been a taker. There are no surprises here- as long as
anyone can remember, this was the “spoiled” brat relative- only now he may be 80
years old instead of 8! People have
kissed up to him, catered to him, and treated him like he was special his whole
life. Now, not only does he believe
he’s more special than anyone else, everyone else believes it, too! He thinks he’s the king, and the others
are his subjects. With someone like
this, you need to lay low and avoid too much connection. Make yourself scarce, stay in the
background and let others cater to him if they want to. This taker is almost easy to avoid. He is easy to recognize because there is
no doubt about what he is. You can
spot him a mile away. He doesn’t
even try to disguise his nature, and if he does, you can still see through him,
so you have the advantage of seeing him for what he always was. Avoid getting involved. With this
person, as with all takers, you will be sucked dry! As soon as you see him coming, that’s
your chance to run for the hills!
The second type of taker is more difficult to recognize and deal with,
because she wasn’t always a taker.
She developed into one over time.
Somehow she discovered it was much more gratifying to receive than to
give, so she’s decided to make a career out of taking. Some have turned it into an art form,
developing their talents of manipulation, guilt, and appearing pitiful so you
will keep the attention and favors coming their way.
Deep in your heart, you
remember the way it used to be, when you had fun together, when you had a
two-sided relationship that you enjoyed and benefited from as well. The change may have been sudden, or it
may have occurred gradually.
Without realizing it, you got sucked into the giver role with this
person. You’re not quite sure when
and where you lost it, you don’t want to believe it’s gone, and you’re hoping
any day now, things will go back to normal and you will enjoy a mutually
beneficial relationship once again.
This is the taker who does take you by surprise, and it is a very
unpleasant surprise. You just
wake up one day and realize that everything has changed, that your loving,
give-and-take relationship has gone south, and the person you thought you could
count on for support, caring, and advice, is now a full-fledged, blood-sucking,
taker.
NOT
ENOUGH GIVERS TO GO
AROUND
The stubborn, rigid resistance to a change in the status quo is
overwhelming in abusive families, and anyone who “rocks the boat” can expect to
draw the ire of the other members, and be the target of their manipulation and
abuse. In any given family group,
because so few members allow themselves to be exploited to this extent, most of
the relatives fall into the “taker” category; hence, there are too few “givers”
to go around. Unconsciously, the
family knows this and realizes their ability to keep on taking depends on
keeping the giver in her place. The
stability and survival of the “pack” is at stake.
If one giver, or worse yet, the ONLY giver, rebels and decides to stop
giving, or to not give as much or as often, then who is going to take over that
role? No one else wants to
volunteer to be victimized all the time, that’s for sure. If givers are permitted to stop giving,
eventually the takers aren’t going to have anyone to take from.
No one can be permitted to disrupt the family hierarchy by deviating from
her assigned role. The “pecking
order” has been established long ago and must be respected! The kindest and most generous
(translate: “weakest”) member is ganged up on by the others. Think “Leave It To Beaver” meets “Lord
of the Flies”. The family bands
together and lays on the guilt and pressure to discourage the giver from
abandoning her assigned role, so they will still have someone left to use and
exploit. They want everything to
remain as it has always been- advantageous to the takers, exhausting to the
giver! And they will fight tooth
and nail to keep it that way.
THE
“SUPERWOMAN” EXCUSES
It is a HUGE MISTAKE to allow your family to think of you as
“Super-Woman”, who can multi-task a dozen different chores, never get stressed
out or exhausted, and handle anything and everything that gets thrown her
way.
There are two excuses that takers and freeloaders often use to justify
their selfishness. These excuses cause a “mental block” in their minds when it
comes to reciprocating or sharing the burdens. At times, they may even voice these
thoughts to you, in so many words.
One is that they convince themselves that you really ENJOY doing all the
work and WANT to do it all. A
variation on this theme is that they decide you like to CONTROL everything and
don’t really WANT anyone else to “interfere” (translate: pitch in). So they are actually DOING YOU A FAVOR
by not helping out or taking any responsibility!
The second roadblock that often causes others to hesitate about taking
their turn at family obligations is that you appear so competent, you intimidate
them. They feel that their efforts
will be compared to yours and they will come up short, either in their own
minds, your mind, or other people’s minds, and their egos cannot handle that
risk.
If they don’t do what they consider as good as job as you, it usually
won’t be because of incompetence, but because they really didn’t want to spend
all the money, devote all the time, or do all the work that you did- so they did
a half-hearted job. They pressure
themselves to be competitive with you, but they really don’t want to expend the
effort, so they just forget the whole thing and let you continue doing it
all.
NIP
EXPLOITATION IN THE BUD
To the many younger Sisters who are just starting out in their adult
lives, who perhaps are just getting married and starting to have children, or
have started working and are living on their own for the first time, I have some
advice for you. DO NOT START ANY
HABITS WITH YOUR FAMILY THAT YOU DO NOT PLAN ON CONTINUING FOR THE REST OF YOUR
ADULT LIFE. Do not allow something
you don’t mind doing once in a while, or something you like to do occasionally,
to turn into an obligation which you MUST do. Sometimes, you are doing it willingly
and enjoying it, never realizing that is it turning into your permanent
job. This is what happened to
me. Exploitation sneaks up on
you. One day you will wake up and
find out that you no longer have a choice, and even if your circumstances
change, you are still expected to do what you have always done, whether it is
living in a certain location, hosting all the holidays, or being the one
everyone else comes to for advice or money.
Although you can change things down the road, it will be much more
difficult and cause you much more pain than if you just refuse to allow being
the family “giver” to become a habit in the first place. If you start your adult life right off
alternating taking your parents to their doctor’s appointments with your
brother, you will not be expected to shoulder the entire responsibility for
their health care in the future. If
you move into your first new home, and start right off alternating the holidays
between your house and your mother’s and sister’s, you have made known that you
expect everyone to share the burdens as well as the pleasures of family
gatherings equally, and you have established that routine right from the
get-go. It is much easier to never
allow a particular routine to take root than it will be to undo the damage years
down the line. Prevention is
nine-tenths of the cure.
In the testimonies we’ve discussed in this series, the truth is that each
victim could have avoided volunteering for the victim role in the first place,
right from the beginning. The
trouble, as I’ve mentioned, is that exploitation tends to sneak up on you.
At the start of your adult life, when you are setting the course for your
future adult relationships, you may love being the giver. It usually makes you very popular with
the rest of the family (the takers), and wins you much approval from them. You are trying to demonstrate your love,
and let’s face it, doing so many things so well makes you feel proud, competent,
and good about yourself. But one
day you will regret it, and being trapped into repeating the same “jobs” forever
will get really old. It may take
decades before you wake up and realize that your kindnesses are no longer
appreciated, but expected. You will
be stuck in the “giver” role, and it will be very hard to
escape.
In Part 3, we will review the testimonies we’ve talked about, and discuss
various steps our sisters could have taken and the changes they could have made
in their own behavior, at any point over the years, to avoid finally being
victimized by their families to such an outrageous degree.
Remove the dross from
the silver, and out comes material for the silversmith; remove the wicked from
the king’s presence, and his throne will be established through righteousness
…..Proverbs
25: 4-5
WHY
DO I PUT UP WITH THIS GARBAGE?
GIVING
UP THE NEED FOR APPROVAL,
FEARS
OF ABANDONMENT, & OUR OWN HIDDEN MOTIVATIONS
By Rev. Renee
At one time or another,
most of us have asked ourselves why we put up with this garbage from those we
love and who are supposed to love us- why we tolerate being continually
mistreated by those whom we treat very well. Of course, no article can adequately
substitute for some therapy in helping us to discover the reasons we allow
ourselves to be abused. However, in
this article we will discuss three common issues, which are often referred to as
signs of co-dependency. If the
thoughts expressed by these questions ever enter our heads, then we need to
understand that it is indeed possible that they are influencing us to remain in
abusive situations. As you read on,
consider whether there is in reality some pay-off to you which keeps you
enmeshed in your abusive relationship.
OUR
NEED FOR THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS
Is our need for approval and to be liked holding us back from the life of
freedom and joy we deserve as a child of the King? Let’s consider the following questions:
Do I want people to like me?
Do I want people to think I’m nice?
Am I afraid of sounding harsh?
Is what others think important to me?
Do I believe that people think a strong woman is
bitchy?
Am I afraid of hurting the feelings of those who abuse
me?
Do I think what I want isn’t really that important?
Do I “not really mind” putting others’ needs first?
Am I usually the one taking care of everyone else?
Do I pride myself on being dependable?
Do I not really expect others to do for me what I am willing to do for
them?
Is my role the “giver” in most of my relationships?
Am I proud of being the giver?
Do I avoid conflicts?
Am I afraid of other people’s anger?
Am I afraid of showing my anger?
Am I uncomfortable if someone disapproves of something I say or
do?
Do I avoid controversial discussions?
Am I afraid if I speak my mind others will stop loving
me?
Do I want everyone to think I’m lovable?
Do I not want others to think I’m a whiner or a
complainer?
Do I think it’s unladylike or unfeminine to stand up for
myself?
Are other people’s needs, wants, thoughts or feelings more important than
mine?
Am I embarrassed or uncomfortable when someone compliments me, thanks me,
gives me a gift, or does something nice for me?
Am I more comfortable trying to think of nice things to do for others
instead of having them do nice things for me?
Do I avoid rocking the boat?
Do I hate inconveniencing anyone?
Is other people’s happiness my responsibility?
Am I always apologizing, even for things that are not my fault or that I
didn’t do?
Do I like being a “peacemaker?”
(My birth-mother’s definition of “peacemaker” was “abuse-tolerator”. Her
“peacemaking” consisted of convincing the victim to continue accepting
mistreatment without ever expecting anything at all from the abuser. This is not what is meant by
“peace-making.”)
Do I feel that if I speak the truth, people will not like
me?
Do I feel that if I speak the truth, people will withdraw their
love?
Will I feel guilty if I speak the truth and it upsets
someone?
Do I think putting up with mistreatment makes me look like a “good”
person to others?
Our need for the approval of others has been ingrained in us since early
childhood. Our abusive relatives
controlled us by dangling that approval just out of our reach- to keep us trying
harder and harder to please them. Witholding their approval is a tactic that
control-freaks use against us.
Striving to please unpleaseable people is like running endlessly on a
treadmill and going absolutely nowhere.
We need to fight our inclination to equate approval with love. Our families should love us
UNCONDITIONALLY. If they don’t,
then something is wrong with THEM, NOT US.
Their love is not supposed to be dependent on whether or not we obey
them, accept their criticism, allow them to control, manipulate, or degrade us,
etc. If people only “love” us when
we tolerate their mistreatment, then we really don’t need that kind of
love. If relatives only “love” us
when we allow them to use or exploit us, then we don’t need that kind of love,
either.
Another way of looking at this is to consider our relationship with our
abuser and ask ourselves this question-
if the love is only present as long as abuse is allowed, then how come WE
don’t get to abuse our relative and still have him love us? How come the abuse only goes one
way? By this logic, we should get
to treat our abuser just like he treats us, and everybody should claim they love
each other anyway and be happy as clams.
But of course, it never works that way. The abuse only goes in one
direction.
Love and approval cannot be equated with each other, and certainly not
with abuse- they are opposites, not the same. Those who really love us may at times
disapprove of our decisions, but they love us anyway. They don’t have to like everything we
do, but they do have to understand that that does not give them the right to
criticize or control us. We need to
run our own lives whether they approve or not. We do not need their permission to be an
adult. Normal love is not dependent
on approval or disapproval. Nobody
who truly loves you will stop loving you just because you don’t always do what
they want you to do.
None of us should care so much about the approval of men- certainly not
to the point that we will excuse evil just to win someone’s approval. The only approval we need to concern
ourselves with is God’s.
AM I NOW TRYING TO WIN THE
APPROVAL OF MEN, OR OF GOD? OR AM I
TRYING TO PLEASE MEN? IF I WERE
STILL TRYING TO PLEASE MEN, I WOULD NOT BE A SERVANT OF CHRIST….Galatians 1:
10
THE SPIRITUAL MAN MAKES JUDGMENTS ABOUT ALL THINGS, BUT HE HIMSELF IS
NOT SUBJECT TO ANY MAN’S JUDGMENT: “FOR WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD THAT
HE MAY INSTRUCT HIM?” BUT WE HAVE THE MIND OF CHRIST….1 Corinthians
2:15-16
WE ARE NOT TRYING TO PLEASE MEN BUT GOD, WHO TESTS OUR HEARTS. YOU KNOW WE NEVER USED FLATTERY, NOR DID
WE PUT ON A MASK TO COVER UP GREED- GOD IS OUR WITNESS. WE WERE NOT LOOKING FOR PRAISE FROM MEN,
NOT FROM YOU OR ANYONE ELSE….1 Thessalonians
1:4-6.
I CARE VERY LITTLE IF I
AM JUDGED BY YOU OR BY ANY HUMAN
COURT; INDEED, I DO NOT EVEN JUDGE MYSELF. MY CONSCIENCE IS CLEAR, BUT THAT DOES
NOT MAKE ME INNOCENT. IT IS THE
LORD WHO JUDGES ME….1 Corinthians 4:
3-4
OUR
FEARS OF ABANDONMENT AND BEING ALONE
Many of us would rather stick with the familiar, even if it is
destructive, than face the unknown- being without our abuser. Sister, are you fearful that if you
start to defend yourself and set limits, your relative will disown you? Many abusive relatives use this as a
threat to keep us in line- often coming right out and saying that they will stop
speaking to us or “cut us out of the will” unless we obey them
unquestioningly.
Others are not so direct, but our fear that they will cut us off is still
there. The reason for this is that
we sense the truth- that they do not really love us for ourselves, but are only
interested in having a relationship with us as long as they can dominate, use,
and control us.
Sister, you deserve your family’s love without having to be anybody’s
doormat. After all, would YOU stop
speaking to a relative just because they didn’t always give in to your
demands? No- because normal people
do not resort to extortion or blackmail to get what they want from people who
love them.
When considering the following questions, ask yourself if you really want
to spend your life trying to please someone just so that they won’t dump you, or
is it time to hold your head up high and reclaim your
dignity?:
Am I afraid my relative will disown me if I start defending myself or
setting limits?
Am I afraid I will be abandoned or betrayed by other relatives who will
take my abuser’s side?
Is my whole family so enmeshed in the sickness of the abuser that they
will outcast me if I speak up?
Would I rather keep quiet and endure a lifetime of abuse than risk losing
my family? If this is a genuine
fear of mine, do I understand that if it is true, it means that my family
doesn’t really love me after all?
That they don’t really care about me or want what’s best for me? That their “love” is conditional on me
continuing to accept their abuse or control?
Do I believe that I could never survive if my abuser was out of my
life?
Do I fear her leaving and think it would devastate me to lose
her?
Do I fear the loss of her love if I start setting limits on her
behavior?
Do I fear losing the love of other relatives if I speak
up?
Do I think that I could never live if my family abandoned me for speaking
the truth or defending myself?
Would the betrayal or abandonment of other relatives devastate me?
Am I afraid of being alone?
Do I realize that there is life after “divorce” and I will make it just
fine?
Am I afraid of having no one to depend on, or to take care of
me?
Many of us have had our self-esteem literally criticized out of us, until
we no longer believe we can take care of ourselves. We have also been abused into believing
we are unlovable, and that we don’t deserve to be loved for ourselves. Our
abuser may have spent a lifetime (ours!) doing everything possible to convince
us that we can’t make it without her.
We panic at the thought of displeasing and possibly losing her,
mistakenly feeling that at least she is there for us, to take care of us, or to
help us if we need her.
But if we really think about it, we will often realize that abusers and
controllers were never taking care of us in the first place. On the contrary, we were always the ones
they could depend on to take care of their needs, while our needs usually went
unmet.
If we stop and think, we will often see that WE were taking care of
EVERYBODY’S needs all along, including our own, while nobody was ever taking
care of us, anyway. In fact, if the
time ever arose in the past that we did need to be taken care of, supported, and
loved, most likely our abuser was either nowhere to be found, or actually added
to our troubles in some way instead of helping or comforting us. The only difference it will make in our
lives to be rid of selfish, narcissistic, controlling people, is that there will
be that many fewer demands put upon US.
In the light of this truth, being “alone” becomes an attractive
alternative. Being without users
and abusers is an IMPROVEMENT in our lives, not a detriment. Sometimes we can’t
imagine life without our controller- but Sister, in my experience, if she does
decide to disown you for setting limits, after a short adjustment period, life
without her will be just great!
Once you taste freedom, you will never go back.
Even if our families choose to cut us off, being alone only lasts a
little while, because the Lord sets the lonely in families (Psalm 68:6). He will always put people in our lives
to comfort and care for us. Many
times we need to break our bondage to our abusers in order to be free to enjoy
these new, Godly relationships.
Above all, we must never forget that in reality we are NEVER alone. The Lord is always with us, and no one
else really matters. Jesus walks
right beside us all day, every day of our lives. His Holy Spirit is always
within us. Our blessed Father does
not take his eyes off us for a second.
He has engraved us on the palm of his hand (Isaiah 49:16), and no one can
snatch us out of his hand (John 10:28-29). He is always caring for us and providing
for our every need (Matthew 6:25-34). Our Father knows what we need before we
ask him (Matthew 6:8). Being less
dependent on other people frees us from demanding or controlling relationships,
and also allows us to depend more fully on the Lord, and to grow in our
relationship with him. We need to increase our faith and have full confidence
that he is in control at every moment, and that he is taking care of everything
and will always work all things for the good of those who love him (Romans
8:28).
Best of all, no matter who else leaves us or forsakes us, including our
own birth-parents, our heavenly Father has promised that he will NEVER leave us
nor forsake us (Joshua 1:5, Psalm
37:25, Deuteronomy 31:6). In truth,
he alone is the only person we can completely trust to be there for us no matter
what, and to always take care of
us. We need not remain in bondage
to any man, especially not out of fear of being alone, because as long as we
have God, we are never alone.
THOUGH MY FATHER AND MOTHER
FORSAKE ME, THE LORD WILL RECEIVE
ME….Psalm 27: 10
IF GOD IS FOR US, WHO CAN BE AGAINST US?....Romans
8:31
THIS IS WHAT THE LORD SAYS:
“CURSED IS THE ONE WHO TRUSTS IN MAN, WHO DEPENDS ON FLESH FOR HIS
STRENGTH AND WHOSE HEART TURNS AWAY FROM THE LORD. HE WILL BE LIKE A BUSH IN THE
WASTELANDS; HE WILL NOT SEE PROSPERITY WHEN IT COMES. HE WILL DWELL IN THE PARCHED PLACES OF
THE DESERT, IN A SALT
LAND WHERE NO ONE
LIVES. BUT BLESSED IS THE MAN WHO
TRUSTS IN THE LORD, WHOSE CONFIDENCE IS IN HIM. HE WILL BE LIKE A TREE PLANTED BY THE
WATER THAT SENDS OUT ITS ROOTS BY THE STREAM. IT DOES NOT FEAR WHEN HEAT COMES; ITS
LEAVES ARE ALWAYS GREEN. IT HAS NO
WORRIES IN A YEAR OF DROUGHT AND NEVER FAILS TO BEAR FRUIT.”….Jeremiah 17:
5-8.
BECAUSE GOD HAS SAID, “NEVER WILL I LEAVE YOU; NEVER WILL I FORSAKE
YOU.” SO WE SAY WITH CONFIDENCE,
“THE LORD IS MY HELPER; I WILL NOT BE AFRAID. WHAT CAN MAN DO TO ME?”....Hebrews 13:
5-6.
THE
HARDEST QUESTIONS OF ALL
Could it be possible that those who abuse, control, or manipulate us
aren’t the only ones with hidden agendas and ulterior motives? Sometimes those of us who are perpetual
victims have hidden motivations of our own. Such secret reasons are often so
thoroughly buried in our minds that they are hidden even from ourselves. Prayerfully and honestly searching our
hearts, with a willingness to understand and admit our part in our own
victimization, will unveil our eyes and allow us to see ourselves, and what may
be driving us, more clearly. By the
grace of God, all will be revealed to us, so that we may begin our healing
process, and rejoice in becoming free from abuse.
And now for the hardest questions of all:
Do I get more mileage out of appearing sweet, soft, timid, or “feminine”
instead of strong, brave, independent and competent?
Am I using “vulnerability” to manipulate either my abuser or other people
into taking care of me or being with me?
Do I consider being taken
advantage of, criticized, used, or abused simply the price I have to pay for
remaining dependent on others and their approval? Am I reluctant to make changes because I
really prefer it this way? Even
though I might complain, do I not really mind being exploited by others because
in reality I am exploiting them as well?
Do I enjoy the attention or sympathy being a “victim” gets me from other
people? Do I secretly like it when
others listen to my tales of woe and consider me a “saint” to put up with the
abuse my family (or spouse) heaps on me?
Am I actually using my abuser to elicit approval or love from
outsiders?
Do I enjoy it when outsiders disapprove of my relatives’ behavior towards
me? Do I feel validated when outsiders defend me or
pity me?
Do I like others to feel sorry for me? Do I think it means they care about
me? Do I have a “martyr
complex”? (This is something my
birth-mother got a lot of mileage out of .)
Do I pride myself on being the one everyone else can count on? Do I like being “needed”?
As difficult as it may be to believe, most of us do have a choice in
allowing ourselves to be victimized. It is one thing if bad
behavior towards us is an infrequent occurrence. But if it is a pattern, then we need to
ask ourselves why we allow it. Fool me once, shame on you- fool me twice, shame
on me. What exactly we are getting
out of this relationship, that is causing us to keep coming back for more? And more precisely, what exactly are we
getting out of the dynamics of this relationship? Why do we prefer the negative status quo
and resist positive change and freedom from abuse or exploitation?
If there were not some physical, mental, emotional, or even financial
benefit to us, we would be much more inclined to simply put a stop to our
mistreatment in some way- either by setting and enforcing boundaries, or by
avoiding our abuser, ending the relationship, or otherwise getting free from
her.
In order to understand our
own willingness to be repeatedly victimized, we need to admit to ourselves what
the payoff is, and then we need to decide if it is really worth it. Dear Sister, if you have recognized
yourself in any of the things we have discussed, or if you suspect you may have
other co-dependent characteristics, we encourage you to get into therapy and
begin your recovery. With God’s
grace you can and will heal, and claim the victory of an abuse-free
life.
BUT WHATEVER WAS TO MY PROFIT I NOW CONSIDER LOSS FOR THE SAKE OF
CHRIST. WHAT IS MORE, I CONSIDER
EVERYTHING A LOSS COMPARED TO THE SURPASSING GREATNESS OF KNOWING CHRIST JESUS
MY LORD, FOR WHOSE SAKE I HAVE LOST ALL THINGS. I CONSIDER THEM RUBBISH, THAT I MAY GAIN
CHRIST AND BE FOUND IN HIM, NOT HAVING A RIGHTEOUSNESS OF MY OWN THAT COMES FROM
THE LAW, BUT THAT WHICH IS THROUGH FAITH IN CHRIST….Philippians 3:
7-9.
“NO EYE HAS SEEN, NO EAR HAS
HEARD, NO MIND HAS CONCEIVED WHAT GOD HAS PREPARED FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM” BUT
GOD HAS REVEALED IT TO US BY HIS SPIRIT…1 Corinthians 2:
9-10
A
Blessed and wonderful mother’s day
from us to you. whether you will be seeing your mother, or not,
get together with friends, treat yourself, do something special for yourself,
because you deserve it.
To
those with children of their own, enjoy every minute of your special day with
your family. May you feel your
father’s love in your heart all day, and may he bless you with the peace and joy
that only he can give.
Love,
your sisters
Renee &
Denise
PSALM
126
When the
Lord brought back the captives to Zion,
We were like
men who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with
laughter,
Our tongues
with songs of joy.
Then it was
said among the nations,
“The Lord
has done great things for them.”
The Lord has
done great things for us,
And we are
filled with joy.
Restore our
fortunes, O Lord,
Like streams
in the Negev.
Those who
sow in tears
Will reap
with songs of joy.
He who goes
out weeping, carrying seed to sow,
Will return
with song of joy,
Carrying
sheaves with him.
Thank
you, Father, for all our blessings.
Because of your loving kindness, our tears have been dried and we have
smiles on our faces. Thank you Holy
Ghost, for dwelling within us so
that we may daily feel the presence of God. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for your healing
and restoration. Without you, nothing is possible, but with you, all things are
possible. We love you , Lord. We
bless your Wonderful Name! To God
goes all the glory!
Hallelujah! Amen!
