HOLIDAYS 2006 Newsletter
LUKE
17:3 Ministries
for
adult daughters
of
controlling or abusive birth-families
A
sisterhood for those who seek support in developing self-esteem, setting
boundaries and limits, forgiveness, Godly confrontation, recognizing and cutting
ties with reprobates, healing, and rejoicing in the peace and love
of
the Lord, our
Father
take
heed to yourselves. If thy brother
trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him……..Luke
17:3
Merry Christmas! Happy Thanksgiving! Happy New
Year!
VOLUME
4, ISSUE 4
HOLIDAYS
2006
Luke 17: 3 is the scripture often misquoted, usually by an abuser or his
enabler, when he tells you that the Bible says “Forgive and Forget”, or that you
must forgive him because you are a
Christian. However, Jesus is very
specific when he tells us to rebuke the sinner, and if he repents,
to forgive him. Have you rebuked
your abuser, and has he or she repented?
THE
ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL CONDONED BY SOCIETY. THE ONLY ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS
CRITICIZED OR ABANDONED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF. CHILD ABUSE THAT DIDN’T END WHEN ADULTHOOD
BEGAN…THE CONTINUING ABUSE OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR
PARENTS.
If
you have ever experienced Adult Child
Abuse by a parent, sibling, or other relative, We Welcome
You!
Our
newsletter is sent to you free-of-charge, as the Lord continually provides. Do
you know someone who would like to be on our mailing list?
If
so, please contact:
Rev.
Renee Pittelli
Luke
17:3 Ministries, Inc.
P.O.
Box
684
Chestertown,
NY 12817
or
E-mail us at:
Luke
173@hotmail.com
VISIT
OUR NEW WEBSITE AT:
www.luke173ministries.org
Please ask about our Luke 17:3 Ministry
in Tennessee, founded by Rev. Denise
Rossignol.
Thank you Father, for the gift of
your Son !
JUST
WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO PUT UP THE CHRISTMAS TREE…..
THE STRANGE PHENOMENA OF
THE SURPRISE PRE-HOLIDAY CONTACT
BY Rev.
Renee
Rev. Denise and I are sisters in spirit, heart, and truth. Having both gone through the “Birth-
Family Wars” together, we have learned that sometimes a little humor is the best
medicine. One of the things
we love to kid each other about is that we can always tell when the holidays are
coming because that's when the relatives who haven't spoken to us in years,
or at least the better part of this year, start coming out of the
woodwork! Others of our dear sisters have confessed to being bewildered,
puzzled, and amused by this annual autumn event, a ritual that has become as
predictable in some of our lives as back-to-school shopping, football games, and
Homecoming weekend!
When the weather starts
getting cooler and the days start growing shorter, and after the back-to-school
rush is over- anywhere from mid-September on, our thoughts start turning to the
coming holidays. We might start
planning ahead a bit. We begin
thinking about who we’ll be celebrating with, what gifts our loved ones might
enjoy, where we might be spending this year’s winter vacation. We might start our Christmas shopping,
write out our cards, or bake and store a
(CONTINUED ON PAGE
2……..)
Look at the
nations and watch- and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe
even if you were told….Habakkuk 1:5
Therefore
Israel will be
abandoned until the time when she who is in labor gives birth and the rest of
his brothers return to join the Israelites. He will stand and shepherd his flock in
the strength of the Lord, in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God. And they will live securely, for then
his greatness will reach to the ends of the earth. And he will be their peace….Micah
5:3-5
In the past God
spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways,
but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of
all things, and through whom he made the universe. The Son is the radiance of God’s glory
and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful
word. After he had provided
purification for sins, he sat down and the right hand of the Majesty in
heaven….Hebrews 1:1-3
Hallelujah! Our Savior is
born!
few dozen
cookies.
Then, just when we think we can look forward to a nice, peaceful, joyful
holiday season, during which we can relax and have fun spending time with our
loved ones, just when we think that maybe this year we can enjoy ourselves
without reliving painful memories or the stress of having to deal with abusers
who are finally out of our lives, just when we think it’s safe to loosen up and
let our guard down ……… ( I’m humming the Twilight Zone theme here!)……The Letter arrives in the mail. Or The Phone Call comes. Or The E-Mail shows up in our in-box. Or God forbid, The Doorbell Rings!
And There They Are. Back
again, just when we thought it was finally over, just when we were moving on
with our lives, just when the peace and happiness of never having to think about
them again was sinking in. It’s so
bizarre that for a few moments we might find ourselves disoriented. It’s like being all warm and snuggly,
napping in front of the fire, dreaming a beautiful dream, and suddenly having a
glass of ice water thrown in our faces when we least expect it. An imperious royal summons demanding
immediate attention! The Christmas
gift that keeps on giving- aggravation and anxiety, that
is.
Of course, our prayer is that this strange phenomena could be used to
foster restoration and reconciliation, but unfortunately our estranged
relatives rarely seem to be operating in that spirit when they pop
up! Instead, they seem to be “testing the waters” to see if we've “gotten
over” our resolve to set limits on their behavior, so they can just pick up
where they left off and resume the relationship without ever having to make any
positive changes. Better yet, some are giving US a chance to apologize to
THEM for not allowing ourselves to be abused anymore!
Intrusive as always, abusers, control-freaks and narcissists have a way
of FORCING us to think about them and deal with them when that’s the last thing
we want to do. They force
themselves on us when we least expect it, when our guard is down, or when they
know we will be distracted or busy with other things, like holiday
preparations. Knowing that we are
happy or excitedly anticipating a joyful event is their invitation to ruin as
much of it as they can. We feel our
joy slipping away as the black cloud of remembering them and what they’ve done
to us settles over our heads.
When we finally get to the place in our healing where we have moved on,
and are able to forget about them at last, they pop up again. Because, although we have managed to
forget about them- and, let’s face it- we are probably relieved, and even GLAD,
that they are gone- they haven’t forgotten about US! And for me, this is where the “creep
factor” comes in. I find it weird
and disturbing to be the focus of someone I no longer think about, who may be
planning ways to re-establish contact I’m no longer interested in. Because they have proven themselves to
be wicked, conniving, underhanded, treacherous, dishonest liars, I don’t trust
my ex-relatives or their motives, so instead of welcoming the contact, I find
myself wondering what they’re up to
now and what they really want.
But then, my family has actually stalked me, right up until the time I
moved away (see the article “Why Don’t They Just Apologize?” on our website), so
maybe they’re a bit creepier than most.
Denise and I have had this peculiar, surprise pre-holiday “reunion”
attempted on us numerous times, and so have many of our sisters. Some of us had been disowned, snubbed,
and not spoken to all year long- or for many years. Some of us were screamed at, called
names, and had doors slammed in our faces or phones slammed in our ears for
trying to explain to our abusers how hurtful their behavior was and politely
requesting some changes. Some of us
have had our abusers badmouth us both within and outside of the family,
slandering us, lying about us,
blaming us for the broken relationship, ruining our reputations, and instigating
others to criticize or ostracize us as well. We had done all we could do to make
it work out, and many of us were hurt, or even devastated, when it didn’t. Our family member made it abundantly
clear that she never wanted to see us or speak to us again. And that was how it ended….or so we
thought. Then, out of the
clear blue, when we’ve finally calmed down and started enjoying our freedom,
just as we’re gazing at the lovely autumn foliage with a nice, steaming cup of
tea, the envelope with the vaguely familiar handwriting appears in our mailbox,
or our caller-ID shows a phone number that we think we’ve seen before. Could it be? No, it can’t be. Not after all this time! Every thought from “Uh-oh” to “Why now?”
flashes through our minds. Is that
first pot of mums or that pretty orange pumpkin that we just put out on our
porch some kind of signal to our long-lost abusers? In some demented way, do they think that
the new “Welcome” mat we tossed in front of the door to catch the dried leaves
on our shoes is some personal message directed at them? What exactly is going on
here?
Once the note is read, or the message is played back, we will be even
more dumbfounded. No apology will
have been given, no humble request to talk things over will be included- in
fact, there will most likely be no mention of the rift at all. The message will be trite, perhaps
asking us a question they suddenly “need” the answer to, or passing along some
family news they “thought we would be interested in”, and contrived in such a
way to get us to call or write back- for example, by omitting important
details ( for instance,“Thought
you’d want to know Aunt Rose is in the hospital”- without telling what happened
or what hospital she’s in). It will
be as if nothing had ever happened, as if we had been in touch all along and had
a perfectly normal relationship all this time. Sometimes I am absolutely
astounded that they might actually expect us to answer
them.
It would be wonderful if the holidays could indeed be a catalyst for
family reconciliation and restoration.
This is a dream in many of our hearts, and our abusers know us very
well. Many unscrupulous
ex-relatives are well aware that we secretly harbor a wish for one big happy
family (that we never had) sitting around the Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner
table together. They have no
hesitation in using this vulnerability to manipulate us into agreeing to
re-establish contact with them, just in time for the holidays. Be assured, dear sister, that the timing
of your “unexpected” contact is no coincidence.
It helps to keep in mind that abusers do not love anybody but
themselves. It is highly unlikely
that, after months, the entire year, several years, or many years, went by
without our abusive relative realizing how much she loved us and missed us, all
of a sudden, she loves and misses us so much that she wants us back in her life
right now- and that epiphany just happens to coincide with the approaching
holidays. If we put her off until
January, will she still be so interested?
Selfishness is the defining trait of abusers, control- freaks, and
narcissists- it is ALWAYS all about THEM, and their needs
and desires. It is never about us,
and they are not trying to do anything nice for us. Usually friendless and having few,
if any, other relatives who will put up with her, our ex-relative is planning
ahead for HER holidays, just like we are.
The contrived reunion is often a blatant ploy to wangle an
invitation. If it works, one
wonders if our relative will still be speaking to us after the holidays are
over, or if things will just go back to the way they were, now that she got what
she wanted.
If our abuser is less shortsighted, she may have a bigger picture in
mind. In that case, her perfectly
timed surprise will be a clever manipulation- using guilt to pressure us to
accept her back into the fold.
How could we refuse to welcome her on Christmas or Thanksgiving? How could we still expect her to be
accountable and change her offensive behavior? After all, ’tis the season of
“goodwill”. Aren’t we ready to “let
bygones be bygones?” Shouldn’t we “forgive and forget” during this Holy
Season?
Forgive?- yes, IF there has been repentance- but not necessarily
reconcile (see the section on “Forgiveness” on our website). Forget?- Not so fast- not until enough
time has passed for our abuser to prove she really has changed. A seat at the Thanksgiving dinner
table?- unlikely, at least for this year.
Maybe next year, if it looks like the changes are permanent. That is, if our abuser is still
interested in trying to prove herself after the holidays are over and she no
longer has anything to lose by reverting to type.
When the “surprise” pre-holiday pop-up ploy is used, the last thing our
long-lost relative expects is that we still intend to hold him accountable for
what he has done. He is
deliberately timing his contact for around the holidays to catch us when he
thinks we will be vulnerable. He is
counting on us being all warm and fuzzy and sentimental around the
holidays. We are supposed to be
overjoyed that he is back in touch- not cautious, hesitant, or even
suspicious. We are supposed to
welcome him with open arms, no questions asked, and no promise of change
expected.
But the holiday season is not the time for us to ignore Jesus’ own words
in the Gospel. That would seem
quite hypocritical. During the
holidays, as always, we refer to the Biblical model for forgiveness, which is
repentance FIRST, THEN forgiveness (Luke 17:3). Repentance is not a mere, and
possibly meaningless, apology. It
is Godly sorrow, true remorse, and changing one’s life.
How wonderful it would be if
our long-lost relative came to us in a true spirit of remorse and
reconciliation- then maybe, just maybe, we actually could include him in our
holiday celebrations this year, trusting that he has really changed and it is
safe to restore the relationship- and to expose ourselves and our children to
him once again. Unfortunately, this
will seldom be the case, since control-freaks and abusers typically refuse to
humble themselves to make amends.
They will take offense at the notion that they have to prove they’ve
changed, because in reality, they don’t believe they ever did anything wrong.
So how can we tell? It may
take quite a while for us to be sure that an abuser has really changed. Years of mistreatment are not erased by
one nice conversation. A lifetime
of abuse is not erased by a few minutes, days, or even months, of proper
behavior. There is nothing wrong with us if we are unable to trust someone who
has a history of doing us wrong, based on a few halfway normal
interactions. We have every reason
to fear being hurt again by this person, and every reason to expect it. Jesus tells us to discern the spirit of
a person by his fruit (Luke 6: 43-45, Matthew 7:17-20). It takes time to observe
the fruit a person is producing in his life and to prayerfully consider what is
being revealed to us. A recently
reformed abuser, if he is indeed reformed, does not have much of a track record
yet. Only time will tell- a
significant amount of time, quite possibly a year or two. (for more on this, see our articles in
the section “Repenting and Apologies” on our website).
Control freaks thrive on pulling our strings- getting us to jump just
because they want us to. Old habits
die hard, and many of us were used to jumping when our long-lost relative
summoned us. But that was then, and
this is now. Major betrayals,
rifts, and long estrangements change the dynamics of a relationship. The only way to take control back from a
control freak is to not allow her to control you any longer. Time to grow up and see ourselves as
adults, equal to every other adult, with the same rights and freedom as every
other adult. And that means
NO MORE JUMPING!
Control freaks and abusers believe that we don’t have any say in our own
relationships- they are the ones who make all the decisions. In just about every aspect of life and
relationships, they think they’re the boss! If they decide we are no longer on
speaking terms, then that’s that.
You and I have nothing to say about it. And if they suddenly decide that our
“punishment” is over, and it’s time to speak to each other again, then they just
pick up that phone or ring that doorbell, like nothing ever happened, and expect
us to go along with their decision, because we have
no choice. No thought is given to
whether or not we welcome contact from them, because our wishes don’t matter,
and never did. They want it, they
want it now, and they are used to always getting what they want. As usual, it’s all about
them.
But they are wrong. We do
have a choice. They’re not the
boss, and now is the time to teach that lesson. An estrangement is the perfect
opportunity to break the pattern of our abuser making all the decisions and us
just passively going along.
Obviously, he has contacted us because he now wants something from us,
although it may not yet be obvious exactly what it is that he wants. One lesson most of us have learned well
from our abusers is that we can’t always get what we want (like a loving,
respectful relationship), when we want it.
Now is the time for our abuser to learn that very same lesson from
us.
If he wants our cooperation, it will have to be on OUR terms, which means
IF and WHEN and UNDER WHAT CONDITIONS we would be willing to resume
contact. When it is convenient for
us to devote time to him, and if we so choose, we might hear him out. If he has to wait a few months, so be
it. After we have confronted him
about his behavior and observed his reaction, then we will need time to think
and pray about it before we make any decisions.
For a control freak or
abuser, catching you off-guard and unprepared is an underhanded and devious way
of getting you to talk to him, or to agree with whatever else he might want,
without giving you a chance to think it over. Which is precisely why you must buy
yourself the time to think it over and pray about it. When someone uses this tactic on you,
you need to delay your response until you have taken AS MUCH TIME AS YOU NEED.
When my estranged relatives have maneuvered their pre-holiday surprises,
I have found the best response is to NOT respond- until AFTER THE HOLIDAYS. The best way to protect myself and to be
able to enjoy an aggravation-free holiday is to refuse to even think about those
who have hurt me during the holidays.
My philosophy is that they have ruined enough holidays for me and my
family- I’m not going to let them ruin any more. I’m not going to give them even the
tiniest place in my thoughts. I’m
finally having the kind of wonderful holiday that I always missed out on, praise
the Lord, and they’re not getting another opportunity to intrude and mess things
up.
Whatever communication I get from ex-family members from September on,
goes on the back burner till after the New Year. Then I will give some thought to what,
if anything, I want to do about it.
If I wish to write back or return the call, I can now devote sufficient
distraction-free time to deciding how I’m going to handle it.
With some people, especially those with whom I might be interested in
reconciling, I might let them know when they first pop up that I don’t have the
time to devote any thought to their communication right now, and I’ll get back
to them after the holidays, or whenever I can. However, some people will not respect my
need for time to think over what I want to do. With such pushy people, I find it best
to ignore their overtures and not respond at all until I’m ready to deal with
them in depth (after New Year’s). I
figure they waited this long (and made me wait!) to “mend fences”, they can wait
a little longer. Those who were
just fishing for a holiday invitation will lose interest in reconciling after
the holidays, so at least I’ll know whether they were sincere or not. And I’ll also be forewarned that
they may try the same tactic again before another holiday season. And then there are the truly evil,
demonic relatives with whom I do not wish to reconcile EVER, and from whom I
will always need to protect myself and my family. They will never get a response from me
at all, because there is nothing more to say!
Refusing to allow others to upset you, pressure you, stress you out,
intrude at inconvenient times, or disrupt what should be a joyful occasion, is
an excellent example of setting boundaries. One of my favorite sayings is “Just
because the donkey brays, doesn’t mean you have to answer him!” Someone who has offended you or caused
you pain does not deserve for you to interrupt your life and pay attention to
him NOW, just because he wants your attention NOW. He can wait. He is not entitled to intrude on your
thoughts any time he wants to. YOU
are entitled to freedom from being manipulated into stressful
circumstances. YOU deserve a nice
holiday, without having to deal with difficult people or situations. YOU are entitled NOT to think about him
when you don’t want to.
We can often tell a lot about our abuser’s sincerity by observing her
reactions when we hesitate. We will
recognize the same old controlling patterns re-surfacing if she becomes huffy,
gets angry, pretends to be offended, lays on the guilt, pressures us, or tries
to make us defensive. If we see
these responses to our uncertainty, then we know that nothing has really
changed- and most likely, nothing will ever change. That’s our cue to not walk, but run, in
the other direction- because our abuser is showing that she has not learned a
thing from our separation about the way she needs to treat us. She still thinks she is completely
justified and has every right to make demands on us. The door we allowed to be opened a crack
needs to be closed again, and nailed shut!
On the other hand, if she respects our need to take some time and doesn’t
pressure us, and if she is willing to put some effort into showing us how she
has changed and that she understands she was wrong in what she was doing before,
then maybe there’s some hope for a nice future relationship after all. Maybe then a relationship can be forged
in which everyone’s needs will be met, and everyone will be treated with
respect- and maybe even love! Such
a restoration would bless not just one person, but everybody in the family. And that is the hallmark of a truly
healthy relationship- one that is good, not just for the abuser, but for
everyone else who is involved, too.
BEHOLD, I SEND YOU FORTH AS SHEEP IN THE MIDST OF WOLVES: BE YE THEREFORE
WISE AS SERPENTS, AND HARMLESS AS DOVES….Matthew
10:16.
GIVE NOT THAT WHICH IS HOLY UNTO THE DOGS, NEITHER CAST YE YOUR PEARLS
BEFORE SWINE, LEST THEY TRAMPLE THEM UNDER THEIR FEET, AND TURN AGAIN AND REND
YOU….Matthew 7:6..
AS A DOG RETURNS TO ITS VOMIT, SO A FOOL REPEATS HIS FOLLY….Proverbs
26:11.
CAN THE ETHIOPIAN CHANGE HIS SKIN OR THE LEOPARD ITS SPOTS? NEITHER CAN
YOU DO GOOD WHO ARE ACCUSTOMED TO DOING EVIL….Jeremiah
13:23.
BETTER A DRY CRUST WITH PEACE AND QUIET THAN A HOUSE FULL OF FEASTING,
WITH STRIFE….Proverbs 17:1.
DO NOT BE YOKED TOGETHER WITH UNBELIEVERS. FOR WHAT DO RIGHTEOUSNESS AND WICKEDNESS
HAVE IN COMMON? OR WHAT FELLOWSHIP
CAN LIGHT HAVE WITH DARKNESS? WHAT
HARMONY IS THERE BETWEEN CHRIST AND BELIAL?.....”THEREFORE COME OUT FROM THEM
AND BE SEPARATE”, SAYS THE LORD. “TOUCH NO UNCLEAN THING AND I WILL RECEIVE
YOU. I WILL BE A FATHER TO YOU AND
YOU WILL BE MY SONS AND DAUGHTERS,” SAYS THE LORD ALMIGHTY…..2 Corinthians
6: 14-15,
17-18.
COME TO ME, ALL YOU WHO ARE WEARY AND BURDENED, AND I WILL GIVE YOU
REST…..Matthew 11:28.
DO NOT SAY, “WHY WERE THE OLD DAYS BETTER THAN THESE?” FOR IT IS NOT WISE
TO ASK SUCH QUESTIONS. WISDOM, LIKE
AN INHERITANCE, IS A GOOD THING AND BENEFITS THOSE WHO SEE THE SUN. WISDOM IS A SHELTER AS MONEY IS A
SHELTER, BUT THE ADVANTAGE OF KNOWLEDGE IS THIS: THAT WISDOM PRESERVES THE LIFE
OF ITS POSSESSOR…..Ecclesiastes 7:10-12.
“I HAVE TOLD YOU THESE THINGS, SO THAT IN ME YOU MAY HAVE PEACE. IN THIS WORLD YOU WILL HAVE
TROUBLE. BUT TAKE HEART! I HAVE
OVERCOME THE WORLD.”….John 16:33.
FINALLY, BROTHERS, WHATEVER IS TRUE, WHATEVER IS NOBLE, WHATEVER IS
RIGHT, WHATEVER IS PURE, WHATEVER IS LOVELY, WHATEVER IS ADMIRABLE- IF ANYTHING
IS EXCELLENT OR PRAISEWORTHY- THINK ABOUT SUCH THINGS….AND THE GOD OF PEACE WILL
BE WITH YOU….Philippians 4: 8-9
Commit to the Lord
whatever you do, and your plans will succeed….Proverbs 16:3
DIFFERENT
DEGREES OF RECONCILIATION- GO WITH YOUR COMFORT
LEVEL
By Rev.
Renee Pittelli
After you have forgiven an
offender, at some point you will have to decide whether or not to reconcile your
relationship. The offender will
expect everything to go back to normal after you tell him you’ve forgiven him,
but you may not yet be comfortable with that. Indeed, you may never be
comfortable with that, especially after a major betrayal, a long history of
abusive behavior, or a lengthy estrangement.
We have all heard the old saying “A leopard never changes his spots”, but
how many of us are aware that this is scripture from the Bible? In Jeremiah
13:23, we are told that wicked people aren’t going to change. Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the
leopard its spots? Neither can you
do good who are accustomed to doing evil….Jeremiah
13:23.
In Luke 17:3, Jesus tells us to forgive if the person who sinned
against us repents.
He does not tell us to
forgive unconditionally. The
offender must earn our forgiveness by repenting. Repentance is not a mere apology. It is turning from one’s hurtful ways
and changing one’s behavior. Only
if an offender has truly changed her ways are we required by the Lord to
forgive, as he forgives us- which he does only when we repent, not when
we remain stiff-necked and stubborn and
continue in our sinful ways.
It is important to note that, even if the offender does repent and we do
forgive, there is no scriptural requirement for us to reconcile. We can forgive in our hearts and still
choose not to expose ourselves to the abusive individual any
longer.
There is a gray area between
the two extremes of never changing, and completely changing. There are abusers who never change
in their hearts and whose character will always leave a lot to be desired, but
who do manage to change their behavior and the way they relate to others,
especially those who will enforce consequences for inappropriate words or
actions. For purely selfish
reasons- because it benefits them- such people will make an effort to behave and
speak appropriately, although they may do so grudgingly. In such a situation,
you need to decide if you can be satisfied in a relationship with someone who
may never be kind, honorable, trustworthy, loyal, or truly love you and want the
best for you, but who has at least made an effort to modify his offensive
behavior.
If you should decide to attempt to reconcile with someone who has a long
history of abusive behavior, or who has seriously betrayed you, it is quite
natural that you will feel anxious that she will hurt you again. Your fear of being hurt again is valid
and should be respected.
Additionally, if other innocent parties are involved, such as your
husband or your children, you may feel a responsibility to protect them from
further exposure to the abuser.
There is no reason to trust an abusive, selfish, manipulative, dishonest,
or disloyal person again, until she has proven herself and earned your
trust. Depending upon the
circumstances and your feelings, this could take a long time- or may never
happen. Many abusers will not want
to expend the effort, and will try to guilt you into returning to the way things
were in your old relationship before you are ready. They may try to convince you that
they’ve changed, without being willing to prove it over
time.
Perhaps you genuinely love or miss the offender and would like to have a
relationship, but you are afraid and don’t feel she can be trusted not to repeat
what she did before. If she has
taken responsibility for her actions, acknowledged that what she did was wrong,
genuinely apologized, and made an effort to make it up to you, that is certainly
a good start. Only time, perhaps a
very long time, will tell if her change of heart is permanent.
There is no time limit on the period necessary for you to feel
comfortable in trusting a former abuser- feel free to insist upon as much time
as you need. Those who try to pressure or rush you have their own agendas. During this time, however, if
reconciliation is your eventual goal, you will need to have some contact in
order to observe for yourself if and how the offender has changed her ways. If she apologizes, and you agree to
think it over but decline any contact while doing so, you won’t have the
opportunity to learn if she has truly changed or not.
It is important to give yourself permission to establish whatever level
of contact you are comfortable with, and set that as a ground rule for
reconciling the relationship, at least in the beginning. If a long-lost relative finally
apologizes after years of estrangement, you probably will not feel comfortable
spending the holidays together a couple of months later. Your relative may expect, and hope for,
that, but that may be just a little too much for you to handle having just
recently been back in touch. Yet
another consideration is that, until you feel confident in knowing whether the
reconciliation is going to last, you may not want your children to become
attached, or re-attached, to a person who may not be around on a permanent
basis.
I have seen relationships that have reconciled very happily after long
rifts, only to break up again a few years later, usually over something
minor. I think we are deluding
ourselves when we think that a relationship which has suffered a major blow can
ever go back to the way it was.
Betrayals, broken trusts, and long estrangements change a relationship
forever- it will never be the same again. Reconciliation, should it occur, will
be unstable and fragile, at least initially. It is hard to overcome serious betrayals
or years of not talking. There may
be imagined slights or insults, and any hint that the offensive behavior is
still present will be (and probably should be) seen as a red flag that the
offender hasn’t really changed. In
many cases, once relatives learn from a long rift that they can, indeed, survive
just fine without each other, they are not as likely to tolerate abuse as they
were in the past. When old habits
and patterns resurface, they are much quicker to walk away the second time,
rather than continue to suffer through to the inevitable conclusion
anyway.
If we imagine restoring a relationship as a progression or continuum,
with “choosing no further contact” at one extreme, and “spending holidays and
important occasions together” at the other extreme, we realize that there are many levels, or degrees, of
reconciliation in between. We need
to be able to say, “This is what I’m comfortable with at this point, and no
more, at least for now.” For
instance, what type of relationship would you prefer at this
time?:
1. Forgiveness, but no further
contact
2. Exchanging pleasantries and
being civil at funerals or weddings
3. Exchanging Christmas cards
4. An occasional letter or
e-mail
5. An occasional phone
call
6. Keeping conversations on a
superficial level and not discussing or revealing anything
personal
7. More frequent letters,
e-mails, or phone calls
8. Meeting for coffee or
lunch
9. Meeting for coffee or lunch
regularly
10. Sharing more intimate information about
your life, your hopes, dreams, etc.
11. Sharing a dinner out
together
12. Visiting your
relative
13. Having your relative visit your
home
14. Allowing your relative to relate to your
children or husband
15. Having your relative to dinner in your
home
16. Sharing your birthday with your
relative
17. Regarding your relative’s
birthday:
Doing nothing
Sending a card
A phone call
Buying a gift
Singing Happy Birthday and helping blow out the
candles
18. Sharing other family events or
milestones with your relative
19. Sharing a holiday dinner
20. Spending the holidays
together
21. Socializing with each other.
22. Getting the spouses, children, and
families together on a regular basis.
All of these possibilities represent different levels of intimacy that
take time to develop in any relationship, from a new acquaintanceship growing
into a friendship, to the re-establishment of an old relationship that had
broken up. Depending upon your
trust level, and what is done to earn your trust, a beneficial relationship
would naturally progress to where you would feel less and less guarded and ready
to reveal more and more of yourself.
As time passes, if the other person proves herself worthy, you will feel
increasingly comfortable in her presence, and more ready to move on to the next
level of sharing and intimacy.
For example, you may have a co-worker with whom you enjoy eating
lunch but don’t necessarily feel
close enough to invite to dinner in
your home. Opening up one’s home to
someone usually indicates that the relationship has reached a certain level of
trust, comfort and familiarity. You
wouldn’t invite a casual acquaintance to an important family event, such as a
child’s graduation or wedding. To
be included in one’s family milestones, holidays, etc., is a privilege usually
reserved for close family and friends.
Such privileges are earned by caring, love, sharing, and friendship. We
invite loved ones to such occasions to honor them and to show them how important
they are to us, and how valued their presence is to our family.
As pleasant as your conversations are with, let’s say, your mailman,
chances are you’re not going to invite him to join your close family circle on
such a personal occasion. The
parents of one of your child’s classmates might be out of place at such a
gathering. Even though you get
along fine while serving on the same school committee, that doesn’t necessarily
mean they belong within your circle of close family and friends. Maybe you simply haven’t reached that
level of intimacy yet- or maybe you’ll never be more than just casual
friends.
In the same way, an estranged relative cannot expect to go from
estrangement to sharing dinner at your house in the blink of an eye, with no
steps in between. After a serious
betrayal by, or a long estrangement from a relative, you don’t have to be the
same daughter, granddaughter, sister, or cousin that you were before. The abuse, disloyalty, or break-up has
probably affected you and changed you in a profound way, and in many ways, you
are a different person than your abuser once knew. Within this particular relationship,
it’s better for you not to take a step backwards and return to the way things
once were, but to use your experience as an opportunity to grow in the way you
relate to your former offender. All bets are off, so to
speak, and if there is to be a fresh start, you need to approach it in a
different manner.
A reconciliation is like a
negotiation. We need to make our
terms and expectations clear. When
someone has abused us or hurt us, we have every right to dictate the terms of
any relationship we are willing to have with them from then on. We are well within our rights to
take control of a reconciliation, rather than leaving control in the hands of
one who has a history of abusing it.
We need to have the self-esteem and confidence to say, “I’m willing to do
_____ but I’m not willing to do____”, “I’m not ready for ______”, “I’m not
comfortable with______ yet, or “Let’s just stick with _____for now and see how
it goes”. If at some time in the
future, we begin to feel our trust building and see sincere change, we can
always deepen the level of the relationship and move on to the next step. And if we realize that we are never
going to be interested in a more intimate relationship with this person, we have
the freedom and right to make that choice as well.
Caution, or perhaps even cautious optimism, is the watchword. If an offender refuses to respect our
comfort level and pressures us, or continues pushing for more and more, it is a
red flag that this person is going to continue to manipulate, control, make
selfish demands, and disrespect our boundaries in the future, just as he
probably has in the past.
Unfortunately, there will always be particular people with whom we will
never feel comfortable sharing a deep relationship. “Once burned, twice shy” is often true,
and often the only way we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from some
people is to maintain a level of vigilance and wariness throughout our dealings
with them. This can be exhausting
and stressful, and only we can decide if it is worth it to have a relationship
under those conditions. Being in
the presence of someone we don’t trust and can never really relax and enjoy
ourselves around is a high price to pay just to have any kind of a relationship,
no matter how superficial.
Sister, prayerfully
consider what level you are comfortable with at this point in your
reconciliation. Do not allow
yourself to be pressured by the desires of others, (especially the offender or
his enablers), whose interests lie in returning everything quickly to the way it
was before with as little effort as possible on their part. Reconciling a broken relationship is not
a race. There is no reason to
hurry. Take all the time you need to observe, consider, and ask our Father for
guidance. At each crossroad, pray
and carefully consider taking the next step.
Reconciliation is a work in progress. It is perfectly acceptable to proceed
with caution, and it is your responsibility not to
expose yourself or your loved ones to more abuse because of a premature
reconciliation. If you are to have
any relationship at all with an abuser, now is the time to redefine that
relationship on your own terms. It
is up to the person you have been generous enough to forgive to show his
gratitude by respecting your boundaries.
Go and gather the
elders of Israel together and say to them, “The Lord God of your fathers, the
God of Abraham of Isaac, and of Jacob, appeared to me, saying, “I have surely
visited you and seen what is done to you in Egypt; and I have said I will bring
you up out of the affliction of Egypt…..to a land flowing with milk and
honey”…Exodus
3:16-17
Moreover I saw under
the sun: In the place of judgment,
wickedness was there; and in the place of righteousness, iniquity was
there. I said in my heart, “God
shall judge the righteous and the wicked, for there is a time there for every
purpose and for every work.”….Ecclesiates 3:16-17
Now it came to pass
at the end of seven days that the word of the Lord came to me, saying, “Son of
man, I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel; therefore hear a word
from My mouth, and give them warning from Me”….Ezekiel
3:16-17
Shadrach, Meshach,
and Abed-Nego answered and said to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need
to answer you in this matter. If
that is the case, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning
fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king.”….Daniel
3:16-17
The Lord also will
roar from Zion, and utter His voice
from Jerusalem; the heavens and
earth will shake; but the Lord will be a shelter for His people, and the
strength of the children of Israel….Joel
3:16
When I heard, my body
trembled; my lips quivered at the voice; rottenness entered my bones; and I
trembled in myself, that I might rest in the day of trouble. When he comes up to the people, he will
invade them with his troops….Habakkuk 3:16
In that day, it shall
be said to Jerusalem: “Do not fear;
Zion, let not your hands
be weak. The Lord your God in
your midst, The Mighty One, will
save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing”…Zephaniah
3:16-17
Then those who feared
the Lord spoke to one another, and the Lord listened and heard them; So a book
of remembrance was written before Him for those who fear the Lord and who
meditate on his name. “They shall
be mine.” says the Lord of hosts, “On the day that I make them My jewels. And I will spare them as a man spares
his own son who serves him”….Malachi 3:16-17
When He had been
baptized, Jesus came up immediately from the water; and behold, the heavens were
opened to Him, and He saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting
upon Him….Matthew 3:16
John answered, saying
to all, “I indeed baptize you with water; but One mightier than I is coming,
whose sandal strap I am not worthy to loose. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit
and fire.”….Luke 3:16
For God so loved the
world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should
not perish but have everlasting life….John 3:16
And His name, through
faith in His name, has made this man strong, whom you see and know. Yes, the faith which comes through Him
has given him this perfect soundness in the presence of you all….Acts
3:16
Do you not know that
you are the temple of
God and that the Spirit
of God dwells in you? If anyone
defiles the temple of
God, God will destroy
him. For the
temple of
God is holy, which
temple you are…..1 Corinthians 3:16-17
Nevertheless when one
turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away….2 Corinthians
3:16
Now to Abraham and
his Seed were the promises made. He
does not say, “And to seeds,” as of many, but as of one, “And to your
Seed,” who is
Christ…..Galatians 3:16
That He would grant
you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through
His Spirit in the inner man….Ephesians 3:16
Nevertheless, to the
degree that we have already attained, let us walk by the same rule, let us be of
the same mind….Philippians 3:16
Let the word of
Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another
in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to
the Lord….Colossians 3:16
Now may the Lord of
peace Himself give you peace always in every way. The Lord be with you all….2
Thessalonians 3:16
And without
controversy great is the mystery of godliness: God was manifested in the flesh,
Justified in the Spirit, Seen by angels, Preached among the Gentiles, Believed
on in the world, Received up in glory…..1 Timothy 3:16
For we have become
partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the
end, while it is said: “Today, if you will hear His voice, do not harden your
hearts as in the rebellion.” For
who, having heard, rebelled?
Indeed, was it not all who came out of
Egypt, led by
Moses?.....Hebrews 3:14-16
For where envy and
self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. But the wisdom that is from above is
first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good
fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy…..James
3:16-17
But sanctify the Lord
God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks
you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear; having good
conscience, that when they defame you as evildoers, those who revile your good
conduct in Christ may be ashamed….1 Peter 3:15-16
And consider that the
longsuffering of our Lord is salvation- as also our beloved brother Paul,
according to the wisdom given to him, has written to you, as also in all his
epistles, speaking in them of these things, in which are some things hard to
understand, which untaught and unstable people twist to their own destruction,
as they do also the rest of the Scriptures. You therefore, beloved, since you know
this beforehand, beware lest you also fall from your own steadfastness, being
led away with the error of the wicked….2 Peter 3:
15,16,17
By this we know love,
because He laid down His life for us.
And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren….1 John
3:16
…..Above verses from
the New King James Version
For more help on getting through
the holidays with our “unique” family situations, see the articles in the
“Happier Holidays” section of our website.
Dear Sisters, Thank you all for your e-mails and cards,
and also for telling your friends
about us and posting our site on your message boards and chat groups. We have reached so many more survivors this year because of your
help! You are a
blessing to us! We wish you all the
most wonderful holidays! May the
peace of our King Jesus reign in your lives and his joy fill your hearts to
overflowing. In his love, Sisters
Renee & Denise
Thanks be to God for His
indescribable gift!....2 Corinthians
9:15
