Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc
Sunday, February 26, 2017
For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families
I'm Only Human,Nobody's Perfect, We're All Selfish & All Make Mistakes
I’M ONLY HUMAN…
….AND NOBODY’S PERFECT
….AND HUMAN BEINGS ARE ALL SELFISH
….AND I MAKE MISTAKES JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE
By Rev. Renee
WHEREFORE BY THEIR FRUITS YE SHALL KNOW THEM…Matthew 7:20 KJV.
EVEN A CHILD IS KNOWN BY HIS DOINGS, WHETHER HIS WORK BE PURE, AND WHETHER IT BE RIGHT…Proverbs 20:11 KJV.
I’M ONLY HUMAN….
This lame excuse for abuse is the condensed version of “Hey, what do you expect from me? After all, I’m only human.” It will often be accompanied by some type of theatrics for emphasis- feigned frustration, phony impatience, crocodile tears or a casual shrug. All intended to convey how silly and unreasonable you are being for expecting accountability and proper behavior from a mere human.
Right off the bat, I take issue with the “I’m Only Human” claim. Psychopaths are not human- at least not like we think of humans. They lack the basics of what makes someone a human being- a conscience. Not to mention any feelings or emotions that aren’t negative and destructive. They manage to feel anger, selfishness, resentment, envy, and jealousy (although a lot of that is just an act, too)- but they do not feel empathy, kindness, sympathy, mercy, compassion, pity, remorse, or love. They view those who are “stupid” and “weak” enough to have such emotions with contempt and scorn- including the people who love them. In their minds, your stupidity and weakness is what makes you deserve what they do to you.
Humans have morals and abide by a code of ethics acceptable in human society. Sociopaths are completely amoral. They do not consider themselves to be a part of human society, and see no reason to abide by its rules. A sociopath will use, abuse, and even destroy anyone they perceive as vulnerable, without batting an eye, as long as it suits them. Their relentless cruelty to innocent human beings, both children and adults, as well as helpless animals, is how they get their kicks. They do it just for amusement. Your life is merely a game to them, and if something is important to you, that’s reason enough to spoil it or destroy it, just to show you who’s more powerful. That’s what they consider “winning” the game. They enjoy watching the suffering of others. In fact, they love it. They are soul-less predators disguised as humans, the better to walk amongst us undetected. Ruthless, remorseless, malevolent, primitive, reptilian evil, encased in a human shell. Just because it looks like a human being, doesn’t make it one, any more than a wax museum figure is a real human.
…AND NOBODY’S PERFECT
This is a Nonsense Statement. Whether or not there are any perfect people is completely irrelevant to the fact that an evil relative is abusing you and you are confronting her for it. Yes, nobody’s perfect and everybody has their flaws, but not everybody’s “flaws” include bullying, manipulating, conning, lying, or abuse. Harmless little quirks are not in the same category as behavior that damages other people. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be nice. Your so-called “imperfections” do not give you the right to hurt anybody else.
The “Nobody’s Perfect” premise is an example of black-and-white thinking. If you can’t claim to be perfect (which your sociopath already knows your humility won’t allow you to do), then your only other choice is to be an abuser-there’s no happy medium. So unless you claim perfection, then you are just as bad as your abuser is- you just don’t want to admit it. This is an absurd statement, with no logic behind it. Let’s not get side-tracked here. Regardless of the “imperfections” of other people, the fact remains that this one person is causing pain and harm for people who don’t deserve such treatment, and most of the other “flawed human beings” are not.
….AND HUMAN BEINGS ARE ALL SELFISH
No, they’re not. In fact, without even thinking about it, I can rattle off at least two dozen people I know personally who don’t have a selfish bone in their bodies. If I take a few minutes, I can come up with plenty more. I know dozens of people who have literally spent their lives serving the Lord, doing good deeds, and sacrificing to help others, and who have never benefited themselves at someone else’s expense.
I’ve heard abusers use this argument to justify their abuse many times, and my response is “Speak for yourself.” Not only are most people not inherently selfish, but some of the least selfish people in the world are survivors of child abuse, most of whom have been raised to put other people before themselves at all times and no matter what.
Many abused children have been “parentified”- expected to run the house, raise younger siblings, take on adult responsibilities, and take care of their parents and solve their problems. My birth-mother frequently complimented me on how “unselfish” I was and told me that my sister was not like me- she was “more selfish” and “not as generous.” I was chosen to fill the caretaker role, and my sister was not. So my mother reinforced “unselfishness” in me, but did not expect it of my sister.
This childhood brainwashing molds our adult personalities into compliant, selfless, patient, long-suffering and uncomplaining caretakers whose own needs never get met, and sets us up as prey for predators and targets for abusers for the rest of our lives. I spent my entire childhood caring for my neglectful and abusive parents, their other child, and their house- no self-preservation or self-defense was allowed, much less outright selfishness. They continued to take full advantage of my generosity and self-sacrificing personality long into my adulthood. Finally, I had to learn to put my own needs first, and to internalize the concept that it wasn’t “bad” of me to do that. I had to force myself to be a little selfish sometimes, just as a matter of survival, and it was very uncomfortable for me. One of the biggest problems that abuse victims have is their extreme reluctance to set boundaries, because they don’t want to be “selfish.” Of all the good, kind, caring, giving, generous unselfish people in the world, abuse survivors top the list- even to their own detriment.
It is ironic that selfishness is literally the defining trait of narcissists, sociopaths, and abusers- and yet they dare to project this same trait onto everybody else, in an attempt to make it sound like normal human behavior.
The “Selfish” premise states that selfishness is universal among human beings. Your abuser can’t be one of the unselfish humans, because there are no unselfish humans. That is a ridiculous statement to make, and a complete lie.
….AND I MAKE MISTAKES JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE
Yeah, but everybody else’s “mistakes” don’t cause harm to other people on a regular basis, and the abuser’s “mistakes” do.
Let’s start off by defining a “mistake.” A mistake is something you do accidentally or inadvertently. There is no such thing as “accidentally” abusing someone, so abuse cannot be defined as an all-too-human “mistake.” Your abuser’s “mistakes” are repeated over and over again, because he knows he can get away with it with someone who loves him. He uses your love for him against you. Abuse is an ongoing pattern of behavior, often planned out in advance, and carried out with callous disregard for the feelings and welfare of the victim. It isn’t just a little “oopsie.” People who make genuine mistakes apologize and make sure it doesn’t happen again. They don’t keep repeating the same “mistake” again and again.
Have you ever watched a talk show and seen a husband who cheated on his wife (with her sister or best friend, just to make it interesting) pretend to lose patience with his wife’s continued lack of trust in him? Time and again, I have watched cheaters, both male and female, state something to the effect of, “Yes, I’ve made some mistakes. But that was in the past, and I’m sick of you not trusting me now. You need to get over it.” None of them ever explain how you can possibly have an affair “by mistake.” What, you didn’t know you were having sex? You thought you were imagining it? You “accidentally” slept with someone other than your spouse? How? You forgot what your wife looked like and mistook her best friend for her? Just an innocent little mistake, right? Just for once, I would love to hear somebody explain exactly how it’s possible to “accidentally” have sex- with anyone!
You cannot gossip and lie about your adult child “by mistake.” There is no such thing as “accidentally” gossiping or lying. You can only make a conscious decision to do it, because you want to and you don’t care about the pain you will be causing. You cannot lie to your adult child “by mistake.” You can only lie on purpose, because you are a liar.
Exactly how is it possible to snoop through somebody else’s closets “by mistake?” Were you sleep-walking? How is it possible to “mistakenly” pry into someone else’s business, or “accidentally” ask nosy questions and try to get information about your child from one of her friends?
Criticizing or belittling another person is not a “mistake.” How is it a “mistake” when you raise your voice at another adult? Or call them a name? Are you trying to say that you made a mistake and called them the wrong name, when you meant to call them a different name?
You cannot “accidentally” steal from or con a relative. You cannot cheat your child “by mistake.” You make a decision to steal, cheat or con someone.
There is no such thing as “accidentally” disowning your adult child, so you did not “make a mistake” when you did it.
You cannot sexually molest your child “by mistake.” Yes, even if you’re drunk or on drugs- that is still no excuse. You did it because you wanted to do it.
If your adult child has already asked you to stop saying or doing something that is upsetting him or his wife, and you do it again after being warned, you cannot claim you “didn’t know it would upset him,” so you “made a mistake.” You knew, because you were told. But you chose to do it anyway. That is not an “accident” or a “mistake.” That is a deliberate choice on your part. You don’t “accidentally” do something you have already been asked in plain English not to do.
Maybe you’re defining a mistake as making a decision that turned out to be poor judgment. In that case, you are admitting that you made a deliberate decision. You intentionally chose to do something that would hurt someone else. You didn’t do it “accidentally,” and you didn’t do it “by mistake.” It might not have turned out to be the wisest decision on your part, but it was a decision nonetheless. The only thing that was unintentional on your part was that you got caught. You rolled the dice, knowing it was detrimental to your relative, but you didn’t care. And you didn’t get away with it- you got found out. If no harm was intended, but harm resulted anyway, then you wouldn’t hesitate to genuinely apologize and be remorseful. Only a sociopathic abuser would not admit she deliberately did wrong and got caught, because that would cause a power shift in the relationship. It would mean she screwed up and lost the game.
The “Everybody Makes Mistakes” premise presumes that the definition of a “mistake” includes deliberate malice, and that “everybody” maliciously abuses other people, which they most certainly do not. No matter how you slice it, abuse does not qualify as an innocent mistake. It is impossible to “accidentally” abuse someone. Abusers don’t make “mistakes.” They make choices.
Narcissists and sociopaths are hardly qualified to make sweeping statements about human nature. They are far too self-absorbed to observe others with an unbiased eye. They only observe you long enough to learn your weaknesses so they can exploit them. And they assume that everyone else is just like them, only dumber. Just as selfish, just as manipulative, just as dishonest, and just as evil. Imagine if we all decided to behave the way they do- because, after all, we’re all “only human”- and what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, isn’t it? Do you think they’d let us get away with it?
Evil always disguises itself as good- that’s the only way it can operate. Even Satan disguised himself as an angel of light. Abusers use the “I’m Only Human” excuse to make their behavior sound as if it was normal- and you’re the one who has something wrong with you because you didn’t realize your abuser is no different than anybody else, including you. How stupid are you not to understand that everybody behaves this way and does these things? Yes, the implication is that you, too, are guilty of imperfection, selfishness and “mistakes” that cause you to abuse other people. When you confront your abuser and he uses the “I’m Only Human” excuse, he’s telling you that you’re no better than he is- because, after all, we’re all human. You have no right to complain about his perfectly “normal” human behavior, because you’re not perfect, either, you’re just as selfish as everybody else, and you make mistakes, too.
He’s also telling you that he can’t help it and he’s always going to act this way. Because changing his behavior would mean going against human nature itself, you can never expect him to stop. The “I’m Only Human” excuses are twisted, flawed logic- exactly the kind of convoluted, confusing mind-games sociopaths play to allow them to continue getting away with abuse. They love to play innocent, and the pity ploy is one of their little tricks. They know that we are human, and human nature causes us to be inclined to give those we love the benefit of the doubt. We want to trust them, and we want to believe them. All they have to do is pretend they’d love to change if only they could, put on a good enough act, and we’ll wind up feeling sorry for them.
If we continue to insist they change something they’re not capable of changing, that would make us unreasonable and mean. We would be the bad guys, for making them feel bad about themselves. After all, it’s not their fault. Nothing is ever their fault. They’re only human. The next time your psychopathic abuser claims to be “only human,” it might help to remind yourself that no, it’s not.
PUT ON THE WHOLE ARMOUR OF GOD, THAT YE MAY BE ABLE TO STAND AGAINST THE WILES OF THE DEVIL. FOR WE WRESTLE NOT AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD, BUT AGAINST PRINCIPALITIES, AGAINST POWERS, AGAINST THE RULERS OF THE DARKNESS OF THIS WORLD, AGAINST SPIRITUAL WICKEDNESS IN HIGH PLACES. WHEREFORE TAKE UNTO YOU THE WHOLE ARMOUR OF GOD, THAT YE MAY BE ABLE TO WITHSTAND IN THE EVIL DAY, AND HAVING DONE ALL, TO STAND....Ephesians 6:11-13.
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The Lord specifically called Sister Renee to minister to Adult Children, not their parents, estranged siblings or friends, abusive or abused spouses, or victims of other types of abuse, although what we write here can often be meaningful for those folks as well. Because of this, our ministry and website have a narrow focus which we will not be changing. We simply can't cover everything. In addition, it is not our purpose to help you re-establish contact with someone who felt it was necessary to cut you off for the sake of their own well-being. We do not keep a list of resources for estranged parents or any other type of abuse and suggest if you are sincerely interested in making amends with an estranged relative, you do an internet search for a website or group that will be more relevant to you. If you cannot find a group or site that you can relate to, we suggest you start your own, and bless other people in your position as well as find support for your personal issues.
For Adult Children and others as well, please understand that we cannot give you personal advice concerning your particular family relationships. We are not therapists or lawyers, we usually do not have enough information to form an opinion, and time does not permit us to give enough thought to each person's individual situation to do it justice. If you need personal advice, we urge you to contact the appropriate professional, depending on the problem you have- your minister, therapist, attorney, police department, local domestic violence hotline, etc. In reading this site, you acknowledge that nothing you might read here qualifies as or substitutes for professional advice. Please note we cannot recommend or refer you to a counselor and we do not have a list of therapists or recovery groups in your area. The only Counselor we recommend is the Holy Ghost, and we encourage you to read the Bible and learn for yourself what the Lord says about the issues we write about.
Our articles are strictly our personal opinions and testimonies and are not intended to give or offer any advice. All who access this site do so with the understanding that we are NOT professional counselors and we strongly recommend that you discuss your individual situation with your pastor or therapist and pray for the Lord's guidance before acting on anything we write on this site. Unfortunately, the abuse we discuss is all too common, inflicted on countless victims by countless perpetrators. All names and identifying details in our articles have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. Any resemblance to a real person or persons whom you might know is strictly coincidental.