Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families
MARCH 2014 Newsletter
LUKE 17:3 Ministries
for adult daughters
of controlling or abusive birth-families
A sisterhood for those who seek support in developing self-esteem, setting boundaries and limits, forgiveness, Godly confrontation, recognizing and cutting ties with reprobates, healing, and rejoicing in the peace and love of
the Lord, our Father
Take heed to yourselves. If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him……..Luke 17:3
VOLUME 12, ISSUE 1 MARCH 2014
Luke 17: 3 is the scripture often misquoted, usually by an abuser or his enabler, when he tells you that the Bible says “Forgive and Forget”, or that you must forgive him because you are a Christian. However, Jesus is very specific when he tells us to rebuke the sinner, and if he repents, to forgive him. Have you rebuked your abuser, and has he or she repented?
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL CONDONED BY SOCIETY. THE ONLY ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS CRITICIZED OR ABANDONED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF. CHILD ABUSE THAT DIDN’T END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN…THE CONTINUING ABUSE OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR PARENTS.
If you have ever experienced Adult Child Abuse by a parent, sibling, or other relative, We Welcome You!
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Rev. Renee Pittelli
Luke 17:3 Ministries, Inc.
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Chestertown, NY 12817
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Please ask about our Luke 17:3 Ministry in Tennessee, founded by Rev. Denise Rossignol.
Thank you Jesus!
THE NARCISSIST’S 35 RULES OF ENGAGEMENT,
AND SOME CLARIFICATION ON WHAT “LACKING EMPATHY” MEANS
THE NARCISSIST’S 35 RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
1. I can say anything I like, and you also can say anything I like. You are not allowed to say anything unless you are sure it will not offend me. (Hint: Praise/ compliments).
2. I can do anything I want. You are not allowed to do anything unless you are sure I will like it.
3. You must call me regularly to see how I am and give me attention. I never have to call you, unless I need something. And when I do call you, you’d better take my call or call me back immediately.
4. You have to respect me. I do not have to respect you. And I don’t.
5. I am allowed to lie about you. You are not allowed to tell the truth about me.
6. I am allowed to lie about you, to make you look bad. You must lie about me, to make me look good.
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WOE UNTO THEM THAT CALL EVIL GOOD, AND GOOD EVIL; THAT PUT DARKNESS FOR LIGHT, AND LIGHT FOR DARKNESS; THAT PUT BITTER FOR SWEET, AND SWEET FOR BITTER!….Isaiah 5:20 KJV.
A FROWARD HEART SHALL DEPART FROM ME: I WILL NOT KNOW A WICKED PERSON. WHOSO PRIVILY SLANDERETH HIS NEIGHBOUR, HIM WILL I CUT OFF: HIM THAT HATH A HIGH LOOK AND A PROUD HEART WILL NOT I SUFFER…Psalm 101:4-5 KJV.
NO WEAPON THAT IS FORMED AGAINST THEE SHALL PROSPER; AND EVERY TONGUE THAT SHALL RISE AGAINST THEE IN JUDGMENT THOU SHALT CONDEMN. THIS IS THE HERITAGE OF THE SERVANTS OF THE LORD, AND THEIR RIGHTEOUSNESS IS OF ME, SAITH THE LORD…Isaiah 54:17 KJV.
Hallelujah! Amen and Amen! Thank you Father God!
(Continued from Page 1…)
7. I am the only one allowed to get angry. You are not allowed to get angry.
8. I am the only one allowed to have “hurt feelings.” You are not allowed to have hurt feelings.
9. I am the only one allowed to feel “insulted.” You are not allowed to feel insulted.
10. I can falsely accuse you of doing things you never did, and you are not allowed to make a liar out of me by defending yourself.
12. You are never allowed to complain. That’s my job.
15. I can stop speaking to you, but you are not allowed to stop speaking to me. If you do, I am allowed to stalk and harass you until you respond to me.
16. I can disown you, but you do not have the right to walk away from me.
17. When I’m ready un-disown you, you have to take me back and start talking to me again, with no further discussion of whatever caused our “rift.” You have no choice in the matter. I am the only one who has a choice.
18. Everything I’ve ever done to hurt you is “all in the past,” even if it was only five minutes ago. So you need to get over it and quit holding a grudge.
19. I can “vent” to other people about you, but you must suffer in silence.
20. I can tell everybody the things you “did to” me, but you are not allowed to tell anybody the things I did to you.
21. You are not allowed to have any opinion that differs from mine.
22. You must agree with everything I say, but I am allowed to criticize, ridicule and degrade the things you say.
23. You are not allowed to have any privacy. I can ask you any personal question I want to and you’d better answer me. I can also snoop and pry and ask other people for information about you. It is always open season on your thoughts, feelings, opinions and decisions. But don’t you dare ever question me.
24. I have no sense of humor when it comes to me. You must take me very seriously, but I am allowed to mock you and even laugh in your face.
25. If you don’t know why I’m mad, you’d better figure it out, because I’m not going to tell you.
26. If another person upsets me, you’d better take my side and confront and shun them. If another person upsets you, good for them. You deserve it.
27. I know everything, you know nothing.
28. You are weak and inferior. I am a superior being, a Special Person, and you must always acknowledge that and never forget your place.
29. You have no freedom to even think independently. I have all the freedoms in our relationship.
30. Your job is to take care of my needs and my feelings. You are not allowed to have needs or feelings of your own. If you do, then take care of them yourself and don’t expect anything from me.
31. Every interaction we have is a competition, and I am the only one who is allowed to win. You must never “show me up,” be better than me at anything, know something I don’t know, or be having a nice time and enjoying yourself when I am not. And don’t you dare ever feel good about yourself either, because, as far as I’m concerned, you are so far beneath me that you can have nothing to feel good about. If you do feel good about yourself, it means that you are challenging me and my opinion of you, and that you are starting to believe you are as good as I am.
32. I can accuse you of manipulation, dishonesty and having a hidden agenda, and you are not allowed to protest or set the record straight. People like me, who typically have ulterior motives for everything they do, assume that everybody else has ulterior motives, too. You’re not fooling me. You’re just as bad as I am. You think you’re so good, but you’re no better than me. You try to make people think you’re such an innocent little goodie-two-shoes. But I know you’re just like me, only dumber.
33. You have no rights. I have all the rights.
34. If I am ever forced to “eat crow” (apologize, admit I was wrong, or change my bad behavior), don’t think it’s over. I will get you back at the first opportunity.
35. You are here to do for me. I am not here to do for you. You are only here for my convenience. When you are no longer useful or become too much trouble, I will kick you to the curb. Until I want something from you again.
SOME CLARIFICATION ON WHAT “LACKING EMPATHY” MEANS
Just because I'm a narcissist or a psychopath and you have heard I have no empathy, do not misinterpret this to mean that I do not understand your pain, I cannot comprehend what pain and suffering and sorrow are, or I lack the ability to know I'm hurting you. I comprehend pain just fine. I know what “feelings” are, and how to produce them in you. I understand exquisitely, I just don't care. I know all about pain and sorrow~ from the giving end, not the receiving end. In fact, I'm an expert. I love hurting you. It's what I live for. So of course I understand when you're hurt and know when I’ve hurt you~ it means I succeeded, I won, and it makes my day. Just because I don't feel bad for you doesn't mean I don't know you feel bad. Just because I don’t feel any guilt or remorse doesn’t mean I don’t know what those feelings are. After all, one of my favorite hobbies is making you feel guilty. You cannot feel the pain of someone who just broke their arm, but you do know they're in pain. Likewise, I cannot feel your pain, but I do know you're in pain, and ten points for me if I'm the cause of it! I’m cold-blooded, cruel and ruthless, but I’m not stupid.
The Wisdom Of Proverbs
The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him…Proverbs 18:17.
NARCISSISTIC GROUP DYNAMICS,
AND ONE WAY TO TELL IF A FAMILY OR CHURCH IS TOXIC: LOOK FOR THE ONE WHO STAYS AWAY
NARCISSISTIC GROUP DYNAMICS
I once worked in an office with a narcissist named Faye. Faye was an arrogant and prudish woman who fancied herself to be classy, cultured, and better than everyone else, often bragging about attending the ballet or opera. Although plain and overweight, she was well-groomed and dressed nicely, but because of her attitude of superiority and other personality deficits, she had no luck in the dating world, and was unhappily single in middle age.
Whenever a new woman would come into the office, either as a new hire or as someone interested in doing business with us, Faye would be aloof and stand-offish. You could usually catch her surreptitiously giving the newcomer the once-over and looking her up and down with an expression of disapproval. Later on, she would make sure you knew she didn’t think much of the new person, and invariably have something critical to say about her.
Once, we were at a business luncheon with several new people, including one lovely young woman with an engaging and outgoing personality. Faye sat quietly observing her for most of the time. Afterwards, she wrinkled her nose at the mention of this woman’s name and told us she didn’t like her. Everyone else liked her just fine and we were surprised to hear that Faye didn’t. When I asked her why, she replied that the young woman had terrible table manners. It was one of those Twilight Zone moments, because no one else had noticed any bad manners on the part of this lovely young woman; in fact, she was very ladylike.
Now, here’s the punchline. Although most folks kept their distance from Faye, she did have two women in our office who were her closest friends. They often chatted together and sat together, and they socialized after work. The thing was, these two middle-aged women acted like ten-year olds who were raised by chimpanzees. They were low-class, uncouth loudmouths whose behavior was often totally inappropriate for the situation and setting, and they frequently embarrassed our colleagues in front of clients. Their manners were downright atrocious, and yet they were Faye’s best friends. What the heck?
Narcissistic families, church families and many other groups are usually made up of an Alpha narcissist, and a bunch of secondary narcissists or little narcissist wanna-bes, who act as the Alpha’s enablers, supporters and defenders, vicariously sucking narcissistic supply from her by association. They’re all narcissists, but some are more powerful than others. One is usually the head narcissist, and it isn’t always the one you think it is. Sometimes the Alpha is manipulating and pulling the strings behind the scenes, like Ahab did with Jezebel in 1 Kings 21.
The primary narcissist in a group might assume the Alpha role by virtue of holding a position which is normally associated with authority, such as parent, church leader, or boss. But just as often he has become the Alpha simply because he is the most volatile, unpredictable and mentally unstable narcissist in the bunch, and everybody else gives him narcissistic supply, like attention and admiration, for fear of setting him off and having him turn on them. Even fellow narcissists have enough sense not to antagonize the crazy person.
Most narcissists who hold positions of power in a group surround themselves with minions whom they consider to be their inferiors and “lesser beings,” and snub, ignore or eliminate those who are “equal” to them or “better” than they are in status, education, profession, social class, culture, intelligence, money, looks, abilities, self-confidence, knowledge, and any other traits the narcissist values. A narcissist with a college degree will often surround herself with “friends” who didn't continue their educations past high school. A narcissist who owns her own house will only be happy with “friends” who rent apartments or live in trailers. A narcissist who sucks supply out of being able to play the piano won’t want another person around who can also play the piano, because she’s afraid comparisons will be made and she will come up short, or attention will be siphoned away from her.
Faye was best friends with women who possessed the very shortcomings she imagined and criticized in other women. But the thing was, they weren’t competition for the attention of the men in the office, and they made her look good by comparison. They were goofy, older than she was, frumpier, and didn’t know how to act professionally or appropriately. They were also already married. So to Faye, they weren’t a threat, whereas a pretty young newcomer with a modicum of class might be.
Since narcissists have no loyalty, they don’t hesitate to turn on one another. If, at some point, a “lesser” narcissist in the group somehow betters her station in life, all of her past support of the Alpha will be forgotten, she will become the “enemy,” and eventually she will be kicked to the curb, no matter how faithful a fan of the Alpha she always was. If we play our cards right, this little secret can sometimes be used to our advantage when dealing with a group of narcissists. They are really quite easy to pit against one another. Often all it takes is a well-timed and public compliment to a lesser narcissist to get her on the Alpha’s blacklist. Divide and conquer, as they say.
Being on the same level as the narcissist is a bad enough sin, but if you happen to be better than her in one of her deranged competitions (think bigger house, more advanced degree, more popular, more talented in some way), you're history! Narcissistic vanity and envy are the biggest reasons behind Narcissistic Nuclear Meltdowns~ insane, irrational, unprovoked attacks, followed by ostracizing you, which are used as an excuse to eliminate you from the picture. Then the narcissist will lie and badmouth you as well, just to take you down another peg or two, make herself seem superior, and cover up the real reason you and she are no longer friends~ her personal shortcomings, character deficits, lunacy and jealousy.
So if you're “friends” with a narcissist now, or a narcissist “likes you,” don’t kid yourself. It's not really a compliment. You were only chosen to be in her inner circle because she considers you a loser. And most likely, it’s only temporary, until you inadvertently challenge her “superiority” in some way.
ONE WAY TO TELL IF A FAMILY OR CHURCH IS TOXIC:
LOOK FOR THE ONE WHO STAYS AWAY
Almost every toxic family or church group has someone who stays away and keeps the group at arm’s length, showing up only every now and then or for special occasions. In narcissistic families, this is usually one or more of the children, and in toxic churches, it’s usually one or more of the pastor’s children.
The Red Flag that will bring this “lone wolf” to your attention is the family, church members, or pastor and his wife and other children making excuses for the Prodigal Son’s absence, and thinking that they have to explain it to you even though you haven’t asked. They will usually take you aside “in confidence” (although everyone in the group already knows because they have done the same with them) and sadly and with great concern explain their version of why the lone wolf is almost never there, and it’s always that something is wrong with him, never them. He’s upset about something, he’s irresponsible, he’s questioning the faith, etc. If it’s the pastor’s child, you will likely be told they are very saddened that he’s not a believer or doesn’t come to church, and asked to pray for him.
This is a pre-emptive strike on the part of the narcissists, to undermine and discredit their MIA relative, so that you won’t believe any complaints he might have about them should you ever have a chance to get into a conversation with him.
This is also your cue to not believe everything you hear and to look a little deeper. There is often a good reason why an Adult Child stays away from her family or a pastor’s child does not come to church, and the narcissists in the group are too embarrassed to admit the truth about what it is, so they lie. I have met many of these Prodigals, only to find that they were wonderful folks, and in many cases they were also devout believers although they did not attend their parents’ churches. While it’s not all that unusual for a pastor’s child to rebel, explore other religions, or even claim to be an atheist at some point and then come back to the fold later on (Proverbs 22:6), it is strange for a pastor’s child to be a Christian, live nearby and yet not attend his family’s church. This usually means there’s something going on behind the scenes. Either way, it pays to keep your antennae up and take whatever you’re being told about him with a grain of salt.
No matter what you are being told by a toxic family or church, remember that the one who stays away is almost always the healthiest one in the group. And when you realize what an evil bunch they are and start making yourself scarce, the narcissists are going to explain your absence by gossiping and lying about you, too.
***The articles in this newsletter are chapters from my latest book, “Narcissistic Confrontations: A Biblical Guide To Your Abusive Family And Church Family’s Battle Tactics, Covert Operations, and Nuclear Meltdowns.” If you enjoyed these samples, the book is available on amazon.con and barnesandnoble.com in paperback, ebook, Kindle, and Nook. You can also buy it directly from the publisher at www.outskirtspress.com/bookstore. If you read it, please rate it on amazon and/or barnesandnoble and leave a short review, it would be most appreciated. Thank you so much, I pray it blesses you greatly J
Thank you Lord for all the blessing that flow from your outstretched hand to always protect and provide for your children.
For the director of music, According to mahalath. A maskil of David.
The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.”
They are corrupt, and their ways are vile;
there is no one who does good.
God looks down from heaven on the sons of men
to see if there are any who understand,
any who seek God. Everyone has turned away, they have together become corrupt;
there is no one who does good,
not even one.
Will the evildoers never learn-
those who devour my people as men eat bread
and who do not call on God? There they were, overwhelmed with dread, where there was nothing to dread.
God scattered the bones of those who attacked you;
you put them to shame, for God despised them.
Oh, that salvation for Israel would come out of Zion! When God restores the fortunes of his people,
let Jacob rejoice and Israel be glad!
Copyright 2002-2016.-All articles on this site are copyrighted. Permission to copy is granted for non-profit use only.Please help yourself to anything we write if you can use it to help others. A link back to this site is our only requirement. Please contact us for any commercial or other use. All e-mails, letters, and other correspondence become the property of Luke 17:3 Ministries, Inc. Due to the large volume of e-mails, we're sorry that we are unable to personally answer every one, but we do lift everyone who writes to us in prayer to the Lord.
The Lord specifically called Sister Renee to minister to Adult Children, not their parents, estranged siblings or friends, abusive or abused spouses, or victims of other types of abuse, although what we write here can often be meaningful for those folks as well. Because of this, our ministry and website have a narrow focus which we will not be changing. We simply can't cover everything. In addition, it is not our purpose to help you re-establish contact with someone who felt it was necessary to cut you off for the sake of their own well-being. We do not keep a list of resources for estranged parents or any other type of abuse and suggest if you are sincerely interested in making amends with an estranged relative, you do an internet search for a website or group that will be more relevant to you. If you cannot find a group or site that you can relate to, we suggest you start your own, and bless other people in your position as well as find support for your personal issues.
For Adult Children and others as well, please understand that we cannot give you personal advice concerning your particular family relationships. We are not therapists or lawyers, we usually do not have enough information to form an opinion, and time does not permit us to give enough thought to each person's individual situation to do it justice. If you need personal advice, we urge you to contact the appropriate professional, depending on the problem you have- your minister, therapist, attorney, police department, local domestic violence hotline, etc. In reading this site, you acknowledge that nothing you might read here qualifies as or substitutes for professional advice. Please note we cannot recommend or refer you to a counselor and we do not have a list of therapists or recovery groups in your area. The only Counselor we recommend is the Holy Ghost, and we encourage you to read the Bible and learn for yourself what the Lord says about the issues we write about.
Our articles are strictly our personal opinions and testimonies and are not intended to give or offer any advice. All who access this site do so with the understanding that we are NOT professional counselors and we strongly recommend that you discuss your individual situation with your pastor or therapist and pray for the Lord's guidance before acting on anything we write on this site. Unfortunately, the abuse we discuss is all too common, inflicted on countless victims by countless perpetrators. All names and identifying details in our articles have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. Any resemblance to a real person or persons whom you might know is strictly coincidental.