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For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families
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AUGUST 2004 Newsletter

LUKE 17:3 Ministries

for adult daughters

of controlling or abusive birth-families

A sisterhood for those who seek support in developing self-esteem, setting boundaries and limits, forgiveness, Godly confrontation, recognizing and cutting ties with reprobates, healing, and rejoicing in the peace and love of

 the Lord, our Father

take heed to yourselves.  If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him……..Luke 17:3

Volume 2, Issue 3                                                                                                                               August 2004

 


 

Luke 17: 3 is the scripture often misquoted, usually by an abuser or his enabler, when he tells you that the Bible says “Forgive and Forget”, or that you must forgive him because you  are a Christian.  However, Jesus is very specific when he tells us to rebuke the sinner, and if he repents, to forgive him.  Have you rebuked your abuser, and has he or she repented?

THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL CONDONED BY SOCIETY.  THE ONLY ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS CRITICIZED OR ABANDONED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF. CHILD ABUSE THAT DIDN’T END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN…THE CONTINUING ABUSE OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR PARENTS.

If you have ever experienced Adult Child Abuse by a parent, sibling, or other relative, We Welcome You!

Our newsletter is sent to you free-of-charge, as the Lord continually provides. Do you know someone who would like to be on our mailing list? 

If so, please contact  us at:

Luke 173@hotmail.com

VISIT OUR WEBSITE AT:

www.luke173ministries.org

Please ask about our Luke 17:3 Ministry in Tennessee, founded by Sister Denise Rossignol.

 

Thank You, Jesus!

               

WHO’S YOUR DADDY?

PART I

By Sister Renee

 

I WILL BE A FATHER TO YOU, AND YOU SHALL BE MY SONS AND DAUGHTERS, SAYS THE LORD ALMIGHTY…..2 Corinthians 6:18 NKJV

AND BECAUSE YOU GENTILES HAVE BECOME HIS CHILDREN, GOD HAS SENT THE SPIRIT OF HIS SON INTO YOUR HEARTS, AND NOW YOU CAN CALL GOD  YOUR DEAR FATHER.  NOW YOU ARE NO LONGER A SLAVE, BUT GOD’S OWN CHILD.  AND SINCE YOU ARE HIS CHILD, EVERYTHING HE HAS BELONGS TO YOU….Galatians 4:6-7 NLT

FOR YE HAVE NOT RECEIVED THE SPIRIT OF BONDAGE AGAIN TO FEAR; BUT YE HAVE RECEIVED THE SPIRIT OF ADOPTION, WHEREBY WE CRY, *ABBA, FATHER.  THE SPIRIT ITSELF BEARETH WITNESS WITH OUR SPIRIT THAT WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF GOD….Romans 8:15-16 KJV

 

                In the Gospel, we are encouraged to call Father God *“Abba”.  “Abba” is an Aramaic word meaning “Father” which conveys a sense of warm intimacy and also respect for the father.  It is equivalent to saying “Papa”. (NIV Nave’s Topical Bible).  Many of us have been raised to think of our Father as fearsome and punishing.  But to those who follow him and love him, he is our loving Papa- everything a wonderful parent should be- and more!

                In this study, we will examine some of our Father’s characteristics- traits that would be evident in our ideal parent.  As we think on each trait, let’s prayerfully ask our Father to make his vast love for us apparent in every aspect of our lives, so that we may have the full confidence of knowing that we are, indeed, children of God and daughters of the King.

                These are the things that our loving Father does for us:

 

                LOVES US:  A good parent loves his child with an incredible, deep love that is difficult for someone who has not had children to understand. And yet, our Father’s love for us is so much greater than even the best human parent is capable of giving.  Our Lord demonstrates his love for us every day in all his blessings and in all he does for us.  His love is so great that we only have a limited capacity to comprehend it.

                For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in  Him should not perish, but have everlasting life….John 3:16 KJV

                And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us…..Romans 5:5 NIV

                O Lord, the earth is full of your unfailing love….Psalm 119:64 NLT

                And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him…..1 John 4:16 NKJV

 

                PROTECTS US : A good parent protects his children and makes them feel secure.  He soothes them and frees them to live without fear because they know he is protecting them.  We are safe in our Father’s everlasting arms.

                I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety…Psalm 4:8NIV

                Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble…Psalm 32:7 KJV

                Therefore let everyone who is Godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him… Psalm 32:6 NIV

                The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles…Psalm 34:17 KJV

                God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, even though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea….Psalm 46:1-2 NKJV

                Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name-the name you gave me- so that they may be one as we are one.  While I was with them I protected them and kept them safe by the name you gave me.  None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled…..John 17:11-12 NIV  (Jesus’ prayer for us)

                My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: and I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.  My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father’s hand.  I and my Father are one…..John 10: 27-30 KJV

                The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe… Proverbs 18:10 NKJV

 

                PROVIDES FOR US:  A good parent provides for all of their children’s needs, not only physical needs, but emotional and spiritual needs as well.  And that is what our perfect Father does for us.

                Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink,; nor about your body, what you will put on.  Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet y our heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?.....Matthew 6: 25-26 NKJV

                For your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him…Matthew 6:8KJV

                And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus…Philippians 4:19NIV

                Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant  nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment….1 Timothy 6:17 NIV

                But he who trusts in the Lord will prosper…Proverbs 28:25 NASB

               

                DISCIPLINES US:  Parents who spoil their children do them no favor.  Loving discipline prepares a child for the rest of his life.  Our Father’s loving discipline prepares us for the rest of eternity.

                For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth…Proverbs 3:12KJV

                Blessed is the man you discipline, O Lord, the man you teach from your law; you grant him relief from days of trouble, till a pit is dug for the wicked….Psalm 94:12-13 NIV

                My child, don’t ignore it when the Lord disciplines you, and don’t be discouraged when he corrects you.  For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes those he accepts as his children.  As you endure this divine discipline; remember that God is treating you as his own children  Whoever heard of a child who was never disciplined? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children after all. Since we respect our earthly fathers who disciplined us, should we not all the more cheerfully submit to the discipline of our heavenly Father and live forever?  For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how.  But God’s discipline is always right and good for us because it means we will share in his holiness.  No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening- it is painful!  But afterward there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way….Hebrews 12:5-11 NLT

 

                TEACHES US:    A good parent patiently teaches his child, both by example and by explanation.  Jesus teaches us with parables which illustrate the points he wishes to make.  He patiently explains the meanings of the parables if we don’t understand.  He explains many of the mysteries of heaven, teaches us how to follow him and insure our salvation, and instructs us in the ways he wants us to think and behave. He also sets a good example of patience, kindness, righteousness, and love for us to follow.

                You call me Teacher and Lord, and you say well, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet.  For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you….John 13:13-15 NKJV

                You gave Your good Spirit to instruct them, Your manna You did not withhold from their mouth, and You gave them water for their thirst…..Nehemiah 9:10 NASB

                I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go:  I will guide thee with mine eye.  Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which have no understanding: Whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle, Lest they come near unto thee.  Many sorrows shall be to the wicked: But he that trusteth in the Lord, mercy shall compass him about…..Psalm  32: 8-10 KJV

                Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: Thy spirit is good: lead me into the land of uprightness…..Psalm 143: 10 KJV

 

                WATCHES OVER US:  A child needs her parent to be watching over her in love.  Even if she sometimes protests, it makes her feel secure.  Our Father never takes his eyes off of us.  We are never alone and unprotected, not even for a second.

                The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry…Psalm 34:15NIV

                Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?  Though she may forget, I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands….Isaiah 49: 15-16 NIV

 

                IS FAITHFUL:  Our perfect Father can be trusted to never betray his children, and to keep all his promises to us.

                For your unfailing love is as high as the heavens.  Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds….Psalm 57:10 NLT

                For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever…Psalm 117:2NIV

                He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just.  A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he….Deuteronomy 32:4NIV

                It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.  They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness.  The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.  The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.  It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord …Lamentations 3:22-26KJV

 

Thank you, Father, for  speaking to us through your holy word.  

 To be continued in Part 2……..

God’s word

It is enough for the student to be like his teacher, and the servant like his master.  If the head of the house has been called Beelzebub, how much more the members  of his household!...Matthew 10:25 NIV

He said to them,”But who do you say that I am?”  Simon Peter answered and said,”You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” Jesus answered and said to him,”Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah, for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven. And I also say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it. And I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”….Matthew 16:15-19 NKJV

CLAIMING THE VICTORY   

 

LEARNING TO SAY NO

By Sister Renee

 

                If you have been raised to be a people-pleaser, learning to say “no” is a big step on the road to independent adulthood.  Even though it will be uncomfortable for you at first, because it goes against everything that has been ingrained in you since childhood, you will be very pleased with the end result.

                There are 10 simple steps to learning to say No:

 

                1.   SEPARATE  EMOTIONALLY FROM OTHERS.  Acknowledge that you are not a clone of your mother, sister, etc.  You are you.  You do not have to see things as others do.  You are your own person, with your own opinions, feelings, desires, needs, etc.  What is good or acceptable to someone else doesn’t have to be good or acceptable to you.  What is right for someone else is not necessarily right for you.

                2.   SEE YOURSELF AS EQUAL TO OTHER ADULTS, including your parents.  Your opinions, feelings, desires, and needs may be different from theirs, but they are just as valid.  You are not in a one-down position from another adult, you are their equal.  You do not obey another adult.  You may choose to honor a request out of love and respect, but you do not take orders.  You are not under the dominion of any man or woman.  You only obey God.  In Galatians 4:1-7, we are told that children are only under the authority of their parents until they become adults, after that, they are God’s children, and no one else’s.

                3.   LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO LIKE YOU ALL OF THE TIME, AND EVERYBODY DOESN’T NEED TO AGREE WITH YOUR DECISIONS.  You’ve heard that “You can’t please everyone”, and “When you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one.”  Adults make their own decisions and run their own lives.  As long as you are not disregarding other’s rights or intentionally hurting others, if someone chooses to be upset with your decision, then he has to take ownership of his own feelings.  You are not causing him to feel angry, hurt, or upset by making your own decisions.  It is not your job to make him feel better by compromising your own feelings. If, as a result of no longer being able to pressure, control, or manipulate you, he finds himself having inappropriate reactions or feelings, then he needs to deal with them, perhaps with the help of a therapist.

                4.   EXPRESS YOUR OPINIONS.  This will help others stop seeing you as a quiet,complacent, sort-of-invisible person, who is always perfectly happy to go along with the crowd.  Voice your opinions about current events, for instance, or a new movie, or a local politician.  Take an active part in the conversation.  Don’t be afraid to say “That’s just the way I feel” or “Because I don’t like it.”  Start, in a small way, to make your presence known.

                5.   PRACTICE CHALLENGING AUTHORITY.  If you notice a discrepancy in a credit card bill, for instance, don’t write a letter.  First call the company and speak to someone in person, then follow-up with a letter.  If you are unhappy with the service in a store, don’t write a letter- speak to the manager in person.  If possible, practice dealing with people face-to-face, rather than on the telephone.  If your child is having a problem at school, speak to her teacher, and the principal too, if necessary, and make your expectations clear.  Politically, socially, and regarding religion, practice standing up for what you believe is right, even if it is not the popular viewpoint, or the politically-correct stance.

                6.   ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.  Speak up if you want something.  Stop thinking you have no right to ask for what you want.  This means anything from “I’d like an ice-cream cone” to “I want to go to Bermuda for vacation this year”, to “I want you to call first before just dropping over.”  This is another way to make your presence known, and show others that you, too, have expectations.

                7.   PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.  For some of us, the word “No” is literally the hardest word to get to come out of our mouths.  It is even harder to say “No” without explaining why not, or defending your decision.  Your controlling relative will have an answer for every reason you have for saying “no” to her.  It is better if you do not give a reason, other than “Because I don’t want to” or “Because I don’t feel like it.”  If you explain why, you are giving her something to argue about.  If you try to justify your position, you are allowing her to put you on the defensive.  You basically just have to say “No, I’m not going to do that”, or “No, that’s not going to work for me”, or “No, that’s not what I want.” 

                     Start by practicing these sentences at home by yourself, while looking in the mirror.  Try to keep a pleasant, but detached expression on your face.  Practice over and over again, until your facial expressions do not show any feelings of discomfort or stress.  Practice until it becomes easy to say these words without actually feeling discomfort or stress.

                8.   SAY NO TO SMALL REQUESTS.  The best place to start is with requests from strangers.  This may seem impolite at first, but if you need the practice, you could start by saying “No” to someone who wants to cut ahead of you in line at the store.  You might say “Sorry, I’m in a hurry, too.”  You can say “No” to someone who is asking for a donation to a charity you’re not interested in supporting.  You can say “No, thanks, I’m not interested” to a salesman who is trying to sell you something, or “No, and please remove me from your list”, to a telemarketer.  As you become more accustomed to hearing these words come out of your mouth, you will become more comfortable saying them, and they will start to become second nature. 

                9.  SAY NO TO FAMILY MEMBERS AND PEOPLE YOU KNOW.  Remember not to defend, explain, or justify.  Practice making “No” or “I’ll have to think about it” your first response, instead of an automatic “Yes” or “Okay”.  This is a way of buying time when you get caught off guard by a request.  Then you really can think it over, and you can always agree to the request at a later time if you change your mind.   If someone pressures you for an immediate answer, you can say “Well, if you need an answer right away, then as of right now, I’d have to say “No”.  It is perfectly reasonable for you to expect time to think something over before agreeing to it.  It is also perfectly okay to just say  No if you don’t want to do something.

                                10.  BE READY FOR THE REACTION TO YOUR NO.   After all, your relatives are not used to hearing “No” from you.  This is a new experience for them.  It’s going to take a while for them to adjust to “the new you”.  In the meantime, you can expect them to protest.  They may react with anger, disbelief, pouting, more pressure, or by laying on the guilt.  Be ready to stand firm.  You need to respond in a way that says that although you hear and understand them, you are not going to back down from your position.  'No' means NO, and if you say it and then cave in at the first protest, your 'no' will never be taken seriously.  Some possible responses from you might be:  “I’m sorry you feel disappointed.  That’s not my intention.”

“I’ve made up my mind.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m still going to________.”

 “I’m sorry that you feel hurt, but I need to do what’s best for me”

 “The decision is made.  It’s really not negotiable”

 “Yelling (or crying) may have worked in the past, but it doesn’t work any longer.”

 “Pouting is not going to make me change my mind.”

 “I am not going to discuss this with you if you are going to raise your voice.  We can talk about it again when you are ready to address me in a respectful manner.”

                Remember, great journeys begin with one small step.  In the journey to independent adulthood, learning to say “No” is that small, but necessary step.  God bless you, sister, in your journey.

                Now I say that the heir, as long as he is a child, does not differ at all from a slave, though he is master of all, but is under guardians and stewards until the time appointed by the father.  Even so we, when we were children, were in bondage under the elements of the world.  But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons.  And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, “Abba, Father!”  Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ.  But then, indeed, when you did not know God, you served those which by nature are not gods.  But now after you have known God, how is it that you turn again to the weak and beggardly elements, to which you desire again to be in bondage?....Galatians 4:1-9 NKJV

                So then, brethren, we are not children of the bondwoman but of the free….Galatians 4:31 NKJV

 

The Wisdom of Proverbs

 

A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again….Proverb 19:19

 

 

Our God is awesome!  Thank you, Lord, for all your blessings!  Praise and glory to our God!

 

Reading Spotlight

WHEN YOU AND YOUR MOTHER CAN’T BE FRIENDS

Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life

By Victoria Secunda

Dell Publishing- Bantam/Doubleday/Dell

 

            Learn how your relationship with your mother colors your other relationships and influences your choice of a mate, how to recognize the difference between a healthy or destructive mother-daughter relationship, how mothers manipulate us and how we react,  why you tend to become your mother’s opposite- or her twin, how to find your truest self, and how to stop the cycle.

            The book discusses the Bad Mommy Taboo, in which many in society refuse to accept that a mother can be destructive to her children, but prefer to see all moms as warm, loving, “America and apple pie” types.  Great pressure is put on adult children not to mention or discuss anything bad their mothers might do, and to accept abuse because “she’s your mother”.  A daughter who rebels or stands up and tells the truth is often criticized by acquaintances, and even outcast from the family. “And so the Bad Mommy on a cultural level gets protected.  Or she protects herself.  Or she is protected by her husband.”

            We learn about the Evolution of the Unpleasable Mother, and there are chapters covering different types of abusive mothers, including the Doormat, the Critic, the Smotherer, the Avenger, and the Deserter.  Part Three discusses how daughters react to our mothers’ destructiveness, many by becoming the Angel, the Superachiever, the Cipher, the Troublemaker, or the Defector.

            In Part Four, we are given suggestions for breaking the cycle and redefining the mother-daughter relationship.  We are helped to understand what kind of relationship, if any, might be possible for us to maintain with our own mother.  We might be able to achieve a genuine, loving, respectful friendship.  We might settle for a “truce” in which we manage to have a relationship on a limited basis without compromising ourselves beyond our tolerance- one in which we successfully enforce boundaries.  Or the only way we may be able to survive might be to “divorce” our mother.  One women explained,”….I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I am much better off never seeing her again.  She’s just not good for my mental health.”  We are encouraged to make divorce a last resort, and to expect social censure from those who have their own reasons for not understanding and feel it is their place to judge us.

            The author tells us, “Of the women I interviewed who have divorced their mothers, there isn’t one who wouldn’t have gladly sacrificed just about anything to avoid the harrowing conclusion that it was the only alternative.  What most people fail to realize is that a daughter makes so heretical a move only after years of trying to make it unnecessary.”  The reader is taught “that life- and a healthy adulthood- may not include your mother.”

            This book is well-researched and well-balanced.  Many suggestions are given for trying to improve our relationship with our mother, but the reality that this may not be possible is not denied.  It is important to see how our victimization influences our personality and impacts our other relationships, and to stop the cycle before it affects the next generation.

            Drawing on years of research and hundreds of interviews, the author “shows you how to let go, gain understanding and acceptance- or achieve a separate peace at last.

They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me.  Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long. But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked…

Psalm 129:2-4

 

 

 

Copyright 2002-2016.-All articles on this site are copyrighted. Permission to copy is granted for non-profit use only.Please help yourself to anything we write if you can use it to help others. A link back to this site is our only requirement. Please contact us for any commercial or other use. All e-mails, letters, and other correspondence become the property of Luke 17:3 Ministries, Inc. Due to the large volume of e-mails, we're sorry that we are unable to personally answer every one, but we do lift everyone who writes to us in prayer to the Lord.
The Lord specifically called Sister Renee to minister to Adult Children, not their parents, estranged siblings or friends, abusive or abused spouses, or victims of other types of abuse, although what we write here can often be meaningful for those folks as well. Because of this, our ministry and website have a narrow focus which we will not be changing. We simply can't cover everything. In addition, it is not our purpose to help you re-establish contact with someone who felt it was necessary to cut you off for the sake of their own well-being. We do not keep a list of resources for estranged parents or any other type of abuse and suggest if you are sincerely interested in making amends with an estranged relative, you do an internet search for a website or group that will be more relevant to you. If you cannot find a group or site that you can relate to, we suggest you start your own, and bless other people in your position as well as find support for your personal issues. 
For Adult Children and others as well, please understand that we cannot give you personal advice concerning your particular family relationships.  We are not therapists or lawyers, we usually do not have enough information to form an opinion, and time does not permit us to give enough thought to each person's individual situation to do it justice. If you need personal advice, we urge you to contact the appropriate professional, depending on the problem you have- your minister, therapist, attorney, police department, local domestic violence hotline, etc. In reading this site, you acknowledge that nothing you might read here qualifies as or substitutes for professional advice. Please note we cannot recommend or refer you to a counselor and we do not have a list of therapists or recovery groups in your area. The only Counselor we recommend is the Holy Ghost, and we encourage you to read the Bible and learn for yourself what the Lord says about the issues we write about.
Our articles are strictly our personal opinions and testimonies and are not intended to give or offer any advice. All who access this site do so with the understanding that we are NOT professional counselors and we strongly recommend that you discuss your individual situation with your pastor or therapist and pray for the Lord's guidance before acting on anything we write on this site. Unfortunately, the abuse we discuss is all too common, inflicted on countless victims by countless perpetrators. All names and identifying details in our articles have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. Any resemblance to a real person or persons whom you might know is strictly coincidental.