AUGUST 2005 Newsletter
LUKE
17:3 Ministries
for
adult daughters
of
controlling or abusive birth-families
A
sisterhood for those who seek support in developing self-esteem, setting
boundaries and limits, forgiveness, Godly confrontation, recognizing and cutting
ties with reprobates, healing, and rejoicing in the peace and love
of
the Lord, our
Father
take
heed to yourselves. If thy brother
trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him……..Luke
17:3
VOLUME
3, ISSUE 3
AUGUST
2005
Luke 17: 3 is the scripture often
misquoted, usually by an abuser or his enabler, when he tells you that the Bible
says “Forgive and Forget”, or that you must forgive him because you are a Christian. However, Jesus is very specific when he
tells us to rebuke the sinner, and if he repents, to forgive
him. Have you rebuked your abuser,
and has he or she repented?
THE
ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL CONDONED BY SOCIETY. THE ONLY ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS
CRITICIZED OR ABANDONED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF. CHILD ABUSE THAT DIDN’T END WHEN ADULTHOOD
BEGAN…THE CONTINUING ABUSE OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR
PARENTS.
If
you have ever experienced Adult Child
Abuse by a parent, sibling, or other relative, We Welcome
You!
Our
newsletter is sent to you free-of-charge, as the Lord continually provides. Do
you know someone who would like to be on our mailing list?
If
so, please contact:
Rev.
Renee Pittelli
Luke
17:3 Ministries, Inc.
P.O.
Box
684
Chestertown,
NY 12817
or
E-mail us at:
Luke
173@hotmail.com
VISIT
OUR NEW WEBSITE AT:
www.luke173ministries.org
Please ask about our Luke 17:3 Ministry
in Tennessee, founded by Rev. Denise
Rossignol.
We
exalt thee, Jesus!
FAMILY
JEALOUSY-
THE
SHAMEFUL SECRET BEHIND ABUSE AND BETRAYAL
Part
1
By Rev.
Renee Pittelli
Many, if not all, cases of Birth-family abuse can be traced back to
jealousy or envy in the abuser’s heart toward the victim. It is very painful to be the target of
jealousy from someone we love. We
are often blindsided by it because it is the last thing we would expect from a
family member, however it is much more common than you would think. Often, the victim has done nothing to
provoke an attack or a betrayal, and is shocked when it happens. Many times, there will be no
explanation, or the act of abuse or betrayal will be way out of proportion to
whatever the victim might have done that the abuser claims angered him. An offender may decide to judge her
victim for something that has nothing to do with her. Instead of minding her own business, she
uses a decision the victim has made in her own life, perhaps to get married, or
move away, as an excuse to become angry
at the victim and “punish”
her.
It doesn’t make sense to anyone else except the offender. It’s almost as if she was waiting all
along for any excuse, no matter how lame, to hurt her unsuspecting relative.
(Continued on Page
2….)
If I speak in the tongues of
men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging
cymbal…1 Corinthians 13:1
“This is how you can
recognize the Spirit of God: Every
spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God,
but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist
which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world. You, dear children, are from God and
have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater that the one who is
in the world. They are from the
world and therefore speak from the viewpoint of the world, and the world listens
to them. We are from God, and
whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to
us. This is how we recognize the
Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood….1 John 4:
2-6
Remember this: Whoever
sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also
reap generously….2 Corinthians 9:6
As soon as the victim does
anything she “disapproves” of, the abuser jumps on the opportunity to attack the
victim and tell anyone who will listen how terrible the victim is. She may start an unprovoked fight with
the victim because of her resentments.
She may sabotage or undermine the victim. Or she may go to the extreme of cutting
the victim out of her life because her own feelings of inferiority have made her uncomfortable around the victim
all along, and now she finally has an excuse not to be in the victim’s presence
any longer.
People who care about and love each other make every effort to talk
things out and hold their relationship together. They may give each other advice
out of concern for one another, but they do not force their opinions, wants, or
needs on each other. They do not
judge, “punish”, or blackmail each other.
If one makes a decision in her own life that the other is not completely
happy with, an unselfish, loving relative
puts her own feelings second, wants what’s best for her loved one, and
shows support and encouragement. An extreme reaction that doesn’t make sense and
is all out of proportion to whatever “offense” the victim supposedly committed
is the clue that jealousy, envy, and resentment are at work behind the
scenes.
Another tell-tale sign is a relative who hurts you and then “apologizes”
by saying something along the lines of “we’ve BOTH hurt each other” or “we
BOTH need to forgive each other”,
when YOU haven’t done anything
hurtful to her at all. When
you ask her to be specific about what you have done that requires her
forgiveness, she will be unable to give you any examples. She will try to change the subject, or
the most you will get is some vague babbling. She will have nothing to say because
there IS nothing to say- you have done nothing wrong.
Although you have not hurt her, she has FELT HURT by you all along
anyway, simply because she envies you for some reason you are not aware of. She
is resentful of you for inadvertently making her feel bad, inferior, or upset,
and uses her resentment to justify attacking you. She is making you responsible for her
feelings of jealousy. In her mind,
your “offense” of just living your
life is just as bad as her offense of betraying or abusing you outright, and she
reveals this in a “Freudian slip” by telling you she has “things” she needs to
forgive you for, too. But when you
ask for clarification, she will be unable to admit her jealousy, sometimes even
to herself, and so will have nothing specific to accuse you
of.
Sibling rivalry is well-known, has been written about extensively, and is
almost expected. There is often an
outright or unspoken competition between siblings, but many times this
competition is very one-sided.
Sometimes the signs are outrageously blatant, such as an adult sibling
copying everything you do. Some
women find their sister copying everything from a hairstyle or decorating color
to planning a wedding within a few weeks of their own, or giving her baby the
same name her sister chose for her baby. I know of more than one case
where, for years, one sister told everyone in the family that she loved a
particular name and intended to give it to her baby, only to have her sister
give birth FIRST and use the name she had chosen before she
could.
Many times one sibling isn’t even aware that there is a competition. It often comes as a surprise to the
sibling who is just going about her life that her sister or brother may be
envious or jealous. The signs may
be hard to read because it is not expected, but a clue often comes in an
off-hand remark.
When, after seven years of planning, saving up, and making do with a
stove that only had two working burners, I remodeled my kitchen in a “country
kitchen” style, the only thing my birth-sister had to say, with a shrug, when she saw it was, “ I like modern.”
Not “Oh, how nice”, or “Congratulations”, or “I’m so happy for you- I know you
waited so long.” Just a shrug and a comment on how it wasn’t her taste. Why
should it be?- it wasn’t her
kitchen! But just because something
is not what you would have chosen for yourself doesn’t mean you can’t compliment
it anyway. This was just one clue I
had to the fact that she was envious, but I didn’t fully realize that until I
was able to put it together with a few other clues.
A clue that should have been obvious to me, but wasn’t at the time, was
our phone calls. First off, every
one of them was initiated by me.
She never called me for any reason.
Whenever she talked to my mother, she would just tell her to say hi to
me. That was her idea of carrying
on a relationship with her sister.
And every conversation we did have was all about her. She could talk nonstop for two hours
about her dog or about her gym workouts and never once ask about my life. She never asked how my children- her
nephews- were, how my husband was, or how my job was going. If I brought up anything going on in my
life, she would immediately change the subject and go back to talking about
herself. She was not the least bit
interested in anything I was doing- she just did not want to hear it- it was
totally 100% all about her! I now
realize that hearing about anything in my life was probably just too much for
her to take, and triggered envy and jealousy that she didn’t want to deal
with.
When I gave birth to my first child, my birth-sister, who always made a
big point to me of not wanting children to tie her down and infringe on her
career, traveling, lifestyle, etc., did not visit me or the baby in the
hospital. She did not come and help
out, like other aunts might have.
She finally met her new nephew for the first time when he was five months
old and she happened to be in town for her job. Her jealousy was even more obvious when
I gave birth to my second son. He
was born on New Year’s Eve, and she did not come to see him until the following
Christmas Eve, when she was in town for the holidays anyway, and he was almost a
year old! She only worked a few days a month, lived a few hours away by car, and
45 minutes by plane- and because she was a flight attendant, she flew for free
and had plenty of time off! But still no happy, excited Auntie showed up!
Several years later, after she had a miscarriage, I called to express my
sympathies. Her reaction was to
make light of it and repeat that she did not want children and she was perfectly
okay with what had happened. It
seemed a little strange, but I felt that further expressions of sympathy would
not be appreciated- and I didn’t want to make her feel bad if she really was
okay. After her second miscarriage,
even my mother told me that it was just as well because my birth-sister did not
want children. I didn’t realize
then how odd it was that a woman in her mid-30s who didn’t want children would
have a second “accidental” pregnancy. I just trusted my mother and sister to
tell me the truth because it never occurred to me that this was something you
would need to lie about.
It was only many years later that I learned from a neighbor that my
mother had told her my birth-sister was devastated by losing her
pregnancies. I was shocked and
hurt. My sister and my mother had
conspired to prevent me from
offering any comfort. I was lied to by both of them.
I could not ask my mother about this because she had already died. To this day I do not know why my
birth-sister would not want me to know she was upset by her miscarriages. She did not want me to comfort her. She did not want to appear vulnerable to
me. She did not even want me to
know her true feelings.
Unfortunately this lack of emotional connection on her part was the
hallmark of our relationship for all of our lives and is the reason that I do
not consider her a real “sister”.
It’s no big deal that we are no longer in each other’s lives, because we
never really were anyway. I can’t
miss what I never had, and God has blessed me with a “real” sister who has more
than filled the void. I now
understand that my birth-sister never revealed herself to me, or showed any
interest in my life because of her overwhelming feelings of jealousy. It was as if she didn’t want to “give me
the satisfaction” of knowing she cared.
But hiding her reaction to her lost pregnancies from me, and asking my
mother to lie as well, when put together with her complete lack of interest in
her little nephews, points to an envious heart. In her resentment, she could
not be happy for me, because I had been blessed with children. Her reaction was to point out all the
negatives to having children and emphasize how great her life was without all
that responsibility. It was a
textbook case of “sour grapes”.
And even more incredibly, for years, several of my friends, who really
didn’t even know my birth-sister, had been telling me that she was jealous
because I had children and she didn’t- and I had been insisting there was no way
she was jealous because of her lifelong emphasis on not wanting kids. Remember the old Shakespearean saying-
“Methinks the lady doth protest too much”?
Well, even though it was right in front of me, I believed her denial and
never saw it as a sign that she really DID want children. It’s really weird how
the signs can be so obvious to others, but you miss them because you are too
close to the situation, or you just take the person you love at face value and
don’t question the truth of what they are telling you even though everyone else
can see that they are lying.
Another time, my b.s. (birth-sister) and her husband, who was from
England and had never been to
New York
City, came to town Christmas
week, and my husband and I took them to see the sights. The city was beautiful with all its
holiday decorations and hustle-and-bustle.
We saw the tree at Rockefeller
Center, the
Empire
State
Building, the Plaza Hotel,
Central
Park,
Trump
Tower, and the store window
displays at Macy’s, Lord &
Taylor’s, etc. My brother-in-law
loved it, and always had something nice to say. But my birth-sister did not compliment
anything. In fact, she didn’t even
look like she was enjoying herself.
She never smiled and wore a pinched, strained frown the whole time.
No matter what display we looked at, she remarked that she had seen
better somewhere in Europe. As a flight attendant,
she traveled quite a bit, and I usually didn’t, so this apparently became an
area in which she could feel superior.
When I commented that I had just seen an article about real estate values
in Manhattan, she insisted the real
estate in her smaller and less well-known city was more valuable than Central
Park South- even this had become some kind of a contest. No matter what comment she had, it was
made through clenched teeth and with a dead-serious, angry expression. It was downright scary, but somehow this
little jaunt had turned into a life-or-death competition.
Finally, even my brother-in-law had had enough. We were in the lobby of the Plaza Hotel,
admiring their gorgeous life-sized nativity when my b.s. commented that there
was a much nicer one in Paris. Her husband lost his patience and told
her to knock it off, that the one we were looking at was beautiful and much
nicer. From that point on she
grudgingly kept her negative remarks to herself.
My husband and I, who could have gone to the city anytime we wanted to,
went during the most crowded, stressful time of the year, just to treat her and
her husband. We paid for their
lunch and train fare and took a day out of our busy holidays. It is interesting to note that although
my brother-in-law expressed his appreciation, not one word of thanks was ever
spoken by my birth-sister, not even for treating them to lunch. She did not even make an effort to be
pleasant company.
I was disgusted and aggravated by the whole episode, and pretty much
promised myself never to bother going out of my way for her again. I couldn’t understand why she had
behaved so poorly, till my husband gave me his old stand-by word of wisdom-
Jealousy! And then it did kind of
make sense. Jealous that I lived so
near the greatest city in the world?
That I knew it so well? That
with all the traveling she had done all over the world, people from everywhere
else always dream about coming to New
York? Who knows? But her all-consuming need to prove that
whatever we saw wasn’t so hot after all, with that scary, intense,
clenched-teeth expression, was something right out of “Psycho.” I am not a competitive person, and I
hadn’t even known that we were in a competition, but apparently we
were.
Although sibling rivalry is well-known, jealousy of a parent toward their
child is rarely acknowledged. This
is one thing that people are very uncomfortable talking about and few will even
admit it exists. Yet many parents
are competitive with their children, or outright jealous of them. Mothers are jealous of the freedom and
independence their daughters have that they didn’t. Fathers are jealous of their children
making the kinds of salaries they never dreamt possible or having the kind of
power on the job that they never did.
Believing their child is “getting too big for her britches”, some
criticize relentlessly, undermine their child’s self-confidence, humiliate her
at every opportunity, or try and
sabotage her success.
Parents can be envious of everything from the talents, skills, or taste
their children have to their families, careers, friends or social lives. My father was jealous of my volunteer
work with Vietnam veterans, which included starting a national program, and never missed an opportunity to hint
about his short-lived membership in the American Legion and claim he had always
“done right” by his country, etc.
But when you asked him for specifics, there were none, because he was
totally selfish and never did anything for anyone without expecting a
payback. Yet he was compelled to
“compete” with me in a field in which I had become fairly well-known as a person
of some accomplishment.
An interesting envy I have seen, and which I suspect played a role in my
birth-father’s antagonism toward me, is that of a parent who had children of one
sex being jealous of a child who had children of the opposite sex, or both
sexes. Having a child of your own
gender is especially important to some people. My birth-father had two
daughters, but never had a son. I
am the one who was blessed with two sons, although I was never blessed with a
daughter, and I have reason to believe my birth-father resented me for
that.
Here is something I did not realize until I was in my 50s. When I was a young child, I was “daddy’s
girl”, tagging along after my birth-father, helping him with chores, etc. When did that all change? When did the abuse, the criticisms, the
put-downs, the humiliation, start?
In the third grade, my class was given IQ tests. When I was 8 years old, my parents were
informed that I had superior intelligence.
I was enrolled by my school in a special class for gifted children. And that is when everything changed with
my birth-father.
Intimidated by my
intelligence and threatened by the fact that I was smarter than he was- coupled
with his paranoid thinking that everyone was out to pull something over on him-
he became obsessed with “keeping me in my place”. He systematically destroyed my
self-esteem and did everything possible to undermine my self-confidence. I was called “stupid” and told “don’t be
ridiculous” or “you don’t know what you’re talking about” on a daily basis. If I woke up in the morning with a
pimple on my face, he would be sure to point it out at the breakfast table- just
what an adolescent girl needed before going off to high school that day. Attention was brought to even the
smallest physical flaw- God help me if I made a normal youthful mistake or got a
bad grade on a test. Anything he
could say or do to make me feel bad and keep me down, he made sure to do- all
day long, every day.
This abuse continued for the rest of our relationship, far into my
adulthood. When, as an adult, I
successfully sold real estate in a highly competitive, upscale market for ten
years, he would still argue the market with me and tell me I didn’t know what I
was talking about- because he, too, had been a real estate agent for six months
or so forty years earlier- so he knew better! It didn’t matter what I said about any
topic- he always knew better. There
were no conversations, only “debates”.
The stress of being in his earshot was overwhelming, and I learned it was
best to basically not say anything about any subject if he could hear me. The
competition which I had never volunteered for was life-long and only by the
grace of God did I ever escape it.
An ironic twist which I have found in my own life, especially with my
birth-mother, is envy over the relationship I have with my children. But I raised my children in a way that
would foster such a close relationship, while she did not. That was her choice, not mine. For instance, I made sure my children
could always trust me- to take care of them, to protect them, to be honest and
truthful with them, etc. - but I could never trust her. I was also taught to make decisions and
live my life based on what others would think- not on what was right- but I
taught my kids to do what is right regardless of what others think- that they
only need to worry about what God thinks!
I have often said that I have my parents to thank for teaching me how to
raise children- everything they did, I did exactly the opposite! So because they set an example for me of
how NOT to raise children, and by the grace of God, I now have a loving
relationship with my own children that both my parents envied. Several times my birth-father has
tried to make my now-adult sons choose him over me, and has failed every
time. I have always refused
to put my children in a position of having to choose and have never allowed them
to be dragged into disagreements between the older generations. My first priority was not to make them
choose sides, but to protect them, and, although I never demanded it, or perhaps
BECAUSE I never demanded it, they have rewarded me with unswerving loyalty. But why would it be important to him to
turn my sons against me, or “win” them away from me? Is it, as I’ve mentioned before,
jealousy that I had sons and he didn’t?
My own parents chose to raise their daughters in a way which resulted in
a wary, arm’s-length relationship
at best- and then continued this behavior with their grandchildren. Now they are not happy with the results,
but that is a *Natural Consequence of the way they treated their family. They were also clearly not happy that I
have a better relationship with my kids than they had with theirs.
And even more strangely,
they were also not happy that I had a better relationship with my kids than THEY
had with MY kids! Who wouldn’t
expect the parent to be closer to her own offspring than the grandparent? But one trait of a Narcissistic abuser
is the refusal to understand where
they end and others begin- the boundary of their daughter as a separate person
from them just isn’t in their heads. In the narcissist’s mind, if MY children
love ME, they have to love HER just as much- or more!
Whenever it became obvious
that I was going to protect my children from abusive situations the way my own
mother never did, she would make a
point of bringing up my upbringing and saying that she “did the best she could”. Without me making any comparisons
between us as mothers, SHE was the one making comparisons. It was obvious that she was very
defensive about it, and envious of my strength and resolve to protect my own
offspring.
Normal parents are proud of their child’s accomplishments. They are thrilled with their children’s
successes. They are joyful when their children are happy. They want their children to have
everything they never had, instead of resenting it if their child has something
they didn’t. Because this is what a
normal parent does, it is what society expects of parents. It goes against every acceptable notion
of parenthood when a parent is jealous of their own child and begrudges their
child happiness or success. So it
comes as a shock to learn that your parents are jealous of you, and this is also
why others find it so hard to believe it when you talk about
it.
*For more about Natural
Consequences, see the article “Reaping What They Sow- The Natural Consequences
Of Bad Behavior” in the section entitled “Rebuking” on our website.
….Family Jealousy will be
Continued in Part 2
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths
straight……
Proverbs
3:5-6
“YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO JUDGE ME”- THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JUDGING AND REBUKING
By Rev.
Renee
JUDGE: To form an opinion about through careful
weighing of evidence and testing of premises; to hold an opinion; to form an
estimate or evaluation of
REBUKE:
v. to criticize sharply,
reprimand; to turn back or keep down, check. n. an expression of strong
disapproval
Source: Webster’s Ninth
Collegiate Dictionary
Have you ever told someone they’ve hurt you, and instead of apologizing,
they tell you you’re not supposed to be judging them? It seems to be a popular defense for an
offender to try and use a Christian’s faith against her. Besides being under the misconception
that you must forgive them, even if they are unrepentant and unremorseful, many
abusers will tell you that you can’t “judge” them when they have behaved
offensively or wickedly. They will
answer your rebuke by telling you that “the Bible tells us we are not to judge
others”. Or they will tell you
“only God” can judge them. They
seem to think that this gives them free rein to carry on their unacceptable
behavior just as before, without ever having to answer for it, or stop it
either, for that matter, until God himself judges them and sends them to
hell!
What they are choosing to misunderstand is the difference between
judging and rebuking. The distinction is that rebuking seeks to
CORRECT the offender rather than CONDEMN her. Unfortunately, many offenders take issue
at being corrected and prefer to turn it around and accuse the rebuker (or
victim) of wrongdoing rather than admit they were wrong and change their own
behavior. Although the Bible does
tell us not to judge one another, it also instructs us very clearly to rebuke
those who do evil, as well as those who hurt us.
The best known scripture concerning not judging others is Matthew 7:1-5,
in which Jesus tells us, “Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye
shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you
again. And why beholdest thou the
mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine
own eye? Or how wilt thou say to
thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and behold, a beam is in
thine own eye? Thou hypocrite,
first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”
(KJV)
Perhaps you have judged someone by the way they look, their job, the
clothes they wear, or the car they drive.
Maybe you have gossiped about a woman who had a child out of wedlock, or
parents who don’t discipline their children. Maybe you have formed an opinion
about (judged) a gay neighbor, a couple who got divorced, or a husband who
had a new girlfriend before his divorce was final. These are examples of what this
scripture refers to- forming an opinion about someone who, whether they are
right or wrong, has nothing to do with you or your loved ones. Barring dangerous or criminal actions,
if their looks, behavior, etc., doesn’t affect you personally, Jesus is
basically telling you to mind your own business, because you’re not perfect
either!
On the other hand, in Luke 17:3, Jesus instructs us “If thy brother trespass against thee,
rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.”(KJV) Jesus does not tell us to keep silent
about being offended, hurt, or abused. He tells us to reprimand and
express strong disapproval to (rebuke) those who do something hurtful or
offensive to us.
In Matthew 18: 15-17, Jesus gives us a Biblical model for rebuking: “Moreover if your brother sins against you,
go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your
brother. But if he will not hear,
take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses,
every word may be established.’ And
if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the
church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” (NKJV) Heathens (KJV) and tax collectors were
considered serious sinners and were to be shunned (Luke 18:11-13, Luke 5:30,
Luke 7:34, Luke 15:1, Matthew 9:11, Matthew 11:19, Mark 2:16, Ps 9:5, 15, Ps
78:55, Ps 80:8, Ezekiel 9: 22). In
Titus 3:10, we are told, “Warn a
divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with
him.”
In Leviticus 19:17, we are told to confront one who sins against us
directly rather than holding resentment in our heart: “Do not hate your brother in your
heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly
so you will not share in his guilt.” (NIV) In Proverbs 28:23, we are told “He who rebukes a man will in the end gain
more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.”
(NIV).
Fools, mockers, and the wicked do not listen to rebuke, but the wise and
the righteous will learn from rebuke and love you for it (Proverbs 9:7-9,
Proverbs 1:7, Proverbs 18:2). We
may not know if someone is wise or a fool until we have rebuked him and his
behavior gives him away. “Fools mock at
making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright”… Proverbs 14:9 (NIV). Fools just never learn- “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool
repeats his folly”…Proverbs 26:11.
That is why we are instructed to rebuke a wrongdoer only two or three
times, and then have nothing to do with him.
So there is a very big difference between judging others, which we are admonished
not to do, and rebuking wrongdoers,
which we are Biblically ordained and instructed very clearly to do. Sister, don’t allow one who has sinned
against you to confuse the issue.
When the Lord has taught you what to do and how to handle a hurtful
situation, do not get sidetracked by a foolish sinner. Telling you that you’re not supposed to
judge is not an acceptable defense when an apology and repentance is what is
called for.
THE
CONTROL FREAK
Coping
With Those Around You.
Taming The
One Within.
By Les
Parrott III, Ph.D.
Tyndale
House Publishers, Inc.
Les Parrott is a
Christian psychology professor and
author of several best sellers. He
is well-known in the Christian community and is the founder and co-director of
the Center for Relationship Development at
Seattle Pacific University.
In this book, Dr. Parrott teaches us how to recognize a control freak and
discusses their top ten characteristics- obnoxious, tenacious, invasive,
obsessive, perfectionist, critical, irritable, demanding, rigid, and
closeminded. A Control Freak has
little respect for privacy and snoops in areas that aren’t her business. It doesn’t matter how illogical his
argument or how insignificant his point, he won’t let go. He often zeroes in on
some minor detail and doesn’t care about the big picture. Compromise is unspeakable- she is right
and everybody else is wrong. She
sets standards you never agreed to live by. Anything and everything is cause for a
tantrum. He will make ridiculous
demands and insist or coerce you into doing things his way. He uses criticism as a terrific tool to
get people to do what he wants them to.
There is a Control-Freak Self-Test which will tell you if you know a
control-freak. Yes or No questions
include: If something isn’t exactly
to this person’s liking, he or she reflexively points it out- even at the risk
of embarrassing others; It seems that winning an argument is more important to
this person than finding the best solution; and If this person doesn’t get what
he or she wants, you can count on a good display of anger, pouting, or the
silent treatment.
The WADIT Principle is explained in a grimly humorous way. We continue forever to do
something silly that doesn’t make sense because of the WADIT Principle- because
that is the way We Always Did It.
Various types of Control-Freaks are discussed, as well as how to cope
with them, including chapters on The Pushy Parent and The Invasive In-Law. Each chapter includes a self-test so you
can see if you have a Pushy Parent
or Invasive In-Law. Setting
boundaries, saying “No”, forgiveness, identifying your own reactive style, and
making decisions are all discussed.
We are also taught how to tame our own controlling tendencies. This is a very interesting and
informative book for those with controlling family members, or other controlling
people in their lives.
Give
all glory, honor and praise to the Lord, for he alone is
worthy!
HALLELUJAH!
PSALM 101
I will sing
of your love and justice; to you, O Lord, I will sing praise. I will be careful to lead a blameless
life- when will you come to me?
I will walk
in my house with blameless heart. I
will set before my eyes no vile thing.
The deeds of
faithless men I hate; they will not cling to me. Men of perverse heart shall be far from
me;
I will have
nothing to do with evil.
Whoever
slanders his neighbor in secret, him will I put to
silence;
Whoever has
haughty eyes and a proud heart, him will I not endure.
My eyes will
be on the faithful in the land, that they may dwell with me; he whose walk is
blameless will minister to me.
No one who
practices deceit will dwell in my house; no one who speaks falsely will stand in
my presence.
Every
morning I will put to silence all the wicked in the land; I will cut off every evildoer from the
city of the Lord.
For my thoughts are not your
thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the
earth, so are my ways higher that your ways and my thoughts than your
thoughts”…Isaiah 55:8-9
