The Silent Partner
THE SILENT PARTNER
By Sister Renee
The Silent Partner can be any relative who takes the abuser's side against the victim, rather than draw the abuser's attention and wrath to herself, or for a variety of other selfish reasons. Sometimes there are several Silent Partners, perhaps a sibling, grandparent, or aunt who joins a parent in a conspiracy of silence and secrets.
The Silent Partner is just that: the silent partner to your abuse. She (or he) is usually the other parent who does not protect you from the obviously abusive parent, or, worse yet, sacrifices her children to make her own life easier.
The Silent Partner abdicates her responsibility as a parent to protect her children. She will try to justify or rationalize away the abuser's behavior. She will tell you , 'That's just the way he is', 'He doesn't really mean it', or 'You shouldn't take it so personally. He's that way with everybody.'
She will claim she is 'only trying to keep the peace' as she pressures the victim to accept the abuse, rather than pressuring the abuser to change his behavior.
She may outright deny the abusive behavior and claim it never happened, even though she has witnessed it , herself, many times, and has probably seen it directed at a number of different victims, not just you.
She will tell you that you are the only one who has a problem with the abuser, despite the fact that he probably has a long history of lost friendships and broken relationships, and she herself complains about his behavior on a regular basis, when it suits her purposes. (in order to make her look saintly or to gain sympathy or attention for herself)
She will minimize the abuse, telling you it's not so bad, or that you are 'making a mountain out of a molehill'. She will undermine your self-confidence and try to make you doubt your own perceptions of reality as she clings to her delusions.
She may actually 'sic' the abuser on you to try to force you to do something you don't want to do. Or she may instigate a problem between herself and you, and then cry to the abuser about it, in a sick effort to get him to protect her, so that she can feel he really cares for her, or so that she can feel 'safe' while he defends her!
The Silent Partner may be so caught up in what people will think, and so interested in preserving an 'Ozzie and Harriet' Perfect-Family illusion that she will tell you not to tell anyone else about your abuser's behavior. It is interesting that she can deny the abuse on the one hand, while on the other hand, she will pressure you not to reveal something that supposedly doesn't exist.
She will make you feel guilty for trying to avoid the abuser. Since she has chosen him over you, by avoiding him, you will also be seeing less of her, and she will be sure to let you know how much you are hurting her by trying to protect yourself. Of course, she could make it her business to see you, perhaps for a lunch date, without the abuser having to be present, but she won't. All the concessions will have to come from you- there will be no compromising on her part, because she really is partners with the abuser, and ultimately wants to maintain that partnership at all costs.
She may try to appear weak, long-suffering, and helpless, by telling you she is 'dealing with him the best way I know how' , or 'the only way I can', but she will fight you like a tiger if she thinks you are going to upset the apple cart by standing up to the abuser. Her way of 'dealing with' the abuser is to inflict him on everyone else! She will completely neglect your needs and demand that her needs be put first, continually exposing you to abuse for her own purposes.
She may manipulate you into defending her against the abuser, gladly putting you in the line of fire without a second thought, for her own selfish reasons. She chose to marry an abuser, she chose to stay with an abuser, and she chose to allow an abuser to separate her from many other relationships. You will find yourself paying a steep price for her decisions in life.
If you allow it, she will ruin your health and ruin your life, and not show an ounce of remorse. She will use you for her own purposes and then tell you not to 'make such a big deal about it.' She is the only person who matters! The Silent Partner is an abuser , and is every bit as guilty as the abuser himself, but she is much sneakier and more manipulative than he is. His abuse is obvious and blatant while her abuse is more insidious, but extremely damaging just the same.
She has the ability to abuse and appear pathetic at the same time. managing to get sympathy for herself while all along she is victimizing you. Many people feel much more anger and resentment toward the Silent Partner who never protected them, than they do toward the abuser himself!
The Silent Partner often operates under an Ahab spirit, and her abusive partner under the Jezebel spirit*, although both abusers may display characteristics of either spirit. Ahab, Jezebel, and the Babylonians worshiped many false gods and idols. One of these was Molech, the god of Child Sacrifice. And they built the high places of Baal, which are in the valley of the son of Hinnom, to cause their sons and their daughters to pass through the fire unto Molech; which I commanded them not, neither came it into my mind, that they should do this abomination, to cause Judah to sin.......Jeremiah 32:35 KJV.
Allowing another (not God) to run your life and make decisions for you, or protecting or defending abusers are forms of idolatry. Sacrificing your own child is an abomination to God. Moreover thou hast taken thy sons and thy daughters, whom thou hast borne unto me, and these hast thou sacrificed unto them to be devoured. Is this of thy whoredoms a small matter, that thou hast slain my children, and delivered them to cause them to pass through the fire for them? .....Ezekiel 16:20-21 KJV.
Sister, I'm sure you realize by now that the Silent Partner I am writing about in this article is my very own birth-mother. And these are only a few in the repertoire of tactics she used to control me and keep me in submission to my abusive birth-father and herself ever since I was a very young child. As I grew in the Lord and became stronger, she did not understand that her tactics no longer worked, because I wasn't a helpless child anymore, nor was I the same fearful person I was before I knew the Lord.
Make no mistake about it, dear Sister, a mother who does not defend or protect her young goes against the very laws of nature! Anybody who stands by and watches another, especially one weaker or more helpless, be victimized is shameful, but a person who allows her own child, or anyone she claims to love, to be abused is selfish, cowardly, and disgraceful! This is detestable to the Lord! He walked in the ways of the kings of Israel and even sacrificed his son in the fire, following the detestable ways of the nations the Lord had driven out before the Israelites....2 Kings 16:3 NIV.
It is interesting to note that Silent Partners often project a long-suffering, saintly, peace-desiring, and even very religious, church-going outward appearance (The spirit of False Religion). This is a clever deception, calculated to get sympathy and to draw attention away from the fact that they are parties to abuse . They committed adultery with their idols; they even sacrificed their children, whom they bore to me, as food for them. They have also done this to me: At that same time they defiled my sanctuary and desecrated my Sabbaths. On the very day they sacrificed their children to their idols, they entered my sanctuary and desecrated it. That is what they did in my house.....Ezekiel 23:37-39 NIV.
Sister, you do not owe any allegiance to a Silent Partner. She has already gotten much more from you than she will ever give in return. Your feelings will always be invalidated and your needs will always be neglected if you let her influence your life any further and stop you from standing up for what you know is right.
Ask God for the courage, Sister, to start setting limits on your abuser, no matter how much his enabler, the Silent Partner, may protest. Ignore her pouting, whining, cajoling, anger, or threats. Protect yourself, because she never will. You do not need to be in bondage to her and her ulterior motives any longer! No man (or woman) has dominion over you! You are a child of God, and you have been set free in Christ Jesus! HALLELUJAH! THANK YOU LORD! In His Love, Sister Renee
* If you are interested in learning more about the Jezebel spirit and her partner, the Ahab spirit, we encourage you to do a study on them. We found this subject fascinating and very enlightening. Recommended books and readings are:
Spiritual Warfare, Richard Ing, Light of the World Missions, PO Box 37451, Honolulu, Hawaii 96837. Whitaker House Publishers, 30 Hunt Valley Circle, New Kensington, PA 15068
Jezebel, Seducing Goddess of War!, Jonas Clark, Spirit of Life Ministries (954)456-4420, (800) 943-6490 http:/ /catchlife.org
Unmasking the Jezebel Spirit , John Paul Jackson http://www.streamsministries.com
The Latter Rain Page- http://www.latter-rain.com/eschae/jezebel.htm
Copyright 2002-2016.-All articles on this site are copyrighted. Permission to copy is granted for non-profit use only.Please help yourself to anything we write if you can use it to help others. A link back to this site is our only requirement. Please contact us for any commercial or other use. All e-mails, letters, and other correspondence become the property of Luke 17:3 Ministries, Inc. Due to the large volume of e-mails, we're sorry that we are unable to personally answer every one, but we do lift everyone who writes to us in prayer to the Lord.
The Lord specifically called Sister Renee to minister to Adult Children, not their parents, estranged siblings or friends, abusive or abused spouses, or victims of other types of abuse, although what we write here can often be meaningful for those folks as well. Because of this, our ministry and website have a narrow focus which we will not be changing. We simply can't cover everything. In addition, it is not our purpose to help you re-establish contact with someone who felt it was necessary to cut you off for the sake of their own well-being. We do not keep a list of resources for estranged parents or any other type of abuse and suggest if you are sincerely interested in making amends with an estranged relative, you do an internet search for a website or group that will be more relevant to you. If you cannot find a group or site that you can relate to, we suggest you start your own, and bless other people in your position as well as find support for your personal issues.
For Adult Children and others as well, please understand that we cannot give you personal advice concerning your particular family relationships. We are not therapists or lawyers, we usually do not have enough information to form an opinion, and time does not permit us to give enough thought to each person's individual situation to do it justice. If you need personal advice, we urge you to contact the appropriate professional, depending on the problem you have- your minister, therapist, attorney, police department, local domestic violence hotline, etc. In reading this site, you acknowledge that nothing you might read here qualifies as or substitutes for professional advice. Please note we cannot recommend or refer you to a counselor and we do not have a list of therapists or recovery groups in your area. The only Counselor we recommend is the Holy Ghost, and we encourage you to read the Bible and learn for yourself what the Lord says about the issues we write about.
Our articles are strictly our personal opinions and testimonies and are not intended to give or offer any advice. All who access this site do so with the understanding that we are NOT professional counselors and we strongly recommend that you discuss your individual situation with your pastor or therapist and pray for the Lord's guidance before acting on anything we write on this site. Unfortunately, the abuse we discuss is all too common, inflicted on countless victims by countless perpetrators. All names and identifying details in our articles have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. Any resemblance to a real person or persons whom you might know is strictly coincidental.