Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc
Sunday, October 17, 2021
For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families
Search this site.View the site map.

WHEN YOU AND YOUR MOTHER CAN'T BE FRIENDS-Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life


Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life


By Victoria Secunda

Dell Publishing- Bantam/Doubleday/Dell



            Learn how your relationship with your mother colors your other relationships and influences your choice of a mate, how to recognize the difference between a healthy or destructive mother-daughter relationship, how mothers manipulate us and how we react,  why you tend to become your mother’s opposite- or her twin, how to find your truest self, and how to stop the cycle.


            The book discusses the Bad Mommy Taboo, in which many in society refuse to accept that a mother can be destructive to her children, but prefer to see all moms as warm, loving, "America and apple pie" types.  Great pressure is put on adult children not to mention or discuss anything bad their mothers might do, and to accept abuse because "she’s your mother".  A daughter who rebels or stands up and tells the truth is often criticized by acquaintances, and even outcast from the family. "And so the Bad Mommy on a cultural level gets protected.  Or she protects herself.  Or she is protected by her husband."

            We learn about the Evolution of the Unpleasable Mother, and there are chapters covering different types of abusive mothers, including the Doormat, the Critic, the Smotherer, the Avenger, and the Deserter.  Part Three discusses how daughters react to our mothers’ destructiveness, many by becoming the Angel, the Superachiever, the Cipher, the Troublemaker, or the Defector.

            In Part Four, we are given suggestions for breaking the cycle and redefining the mother-daughter relationship.  We are helped to understand what kind of relationship, if any, might be possible for us to maintain with our own mother.  We might be able to achieve a genuine, loving, respectful friendship.  We might settle for a "truce" in which we manage to have a relationship on a limited basis without compromising ourselves beyond our tolerance- one in which we successfully enforce boundaries.  Or the only way we may be able to survive might be to "divorce" our mother.  One women explained,"….I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I am much better off never seeing her again.  She’s just not good for my mental health."        We are encouraged to make divorce a last resort, and to expect social censure from those who have their own reasons for not understanding and feel it is their place to judge us.

            The author tells us, "Of the women I interviewed who have divorced their mothers, there isn’t one who wouldn’t have gladly sacrificed just about anything to avoid the harrowing conclusion that it was the only alternative.  What most people fail to realize is that a daughter makes so heretical a move only after years of trying to make it unnecessary."  The reader is taught "that life- and a healthy adulthood- may not include your mother."

            This book is well-researched and well-balanced.  Many suggestions are given for trying to improve our relationship with our mother, but the reality that this may not be possible is not denied.  It is important to see how our victimization influences our personality and impacts our other relationships, and to stop the cycle before it affects the next generation.

             Drawing on years of research and hundreds of interviews, the author "shows you how to let go, gain understanding and acceptance- or achieve a separate peace at last.




Copyright 2002-2021.-All articles on this site are copyrighted. Permission to copy is granted for non-profit use only.Please help yourself to anything we write if you can use it to help others. A link back to this site is our only requirement. Please contact us for any commercial or other use. All e-mails, letters, and other correspondence become the property of Luke 17:3 Ministries, Inc. Due to the large volume of e-mails, we're sorry that we are unable to personally answer every one, but we do lift everyone who writes to us in prayer to the Lord.
The Lord specifically called Sister Renee to minister to Adult Children, not their parents, estranged siblings or friends, abusive or abused spouses, or victims of other types of abuse, although what we write here can often be meaningful for those folks as well. Because of this, our ministry and website have a narrow focus which we will not be changing. We simply can't cover everything. In addition, it is not our purpose to help you re-establish contact with someone who felt it was necessary to cut you off for the sake of their own well-being. We do not keep a list of resources for estranged parents or any other type of abuse and suggest if you are sincerely interested in making amends with an estranged relative, you do an internet search for a website or group that will be more relevant to you. If you cannot find a group or site that you can relate to, we suggest you start your own, and bless other people in your position as well as find support for your personal issues. 
For Adult Children and others as well, please understand that we cannot give you personal advice concerning your particular family relationships.  We are not therapists or lawyers, we usually do not have enough information to form an opinion, and time does not permit us to give enough thought to each person's individual situation to do it justice. If you need personal advice, we urge you to contact the appropriate professional, depending on the problem you have- your minister, therapist, attorney, police department, local domestic violence hotline, etc. In reading this site, you acknowledge that nothing you might read here qualifies as or substitutes for professional advice. Please note we cannot recommend or refer you to a counselor and we do not have a list of therapists or recovery groups in your area. The only Counselor we recommend is the Holy Ghost, and we encourage you to read the Bible and learn for yourself what the Lord says about the issues we write about.
Our articles are strictly our personal opinions and testimonies and are not intended to give or offer any advice. All who access this site do so with the understanding that we are NOT professional counselors and we strongly recommend that you discuss your individual situation with your pastor or therapist and pray for the Lord's guidance before acting on anything we write on this site. Unfortunately, the abuse we discuss is all too common, inflicted on countless victims by countless perpetrators. All names and identifying details in our articles have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. Any resemblance to a real person or persons whom you might know is strictly coincidental.