Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc
Sunday, March 26, 2017
For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families
MARCH 2011 Newsletter
LUKE 17:3 Ministries
for adult daughters
A sisterhood for those who seek support in developing self-esteem, setting boundaries and limits, forgiveness, Godly confrontation, recognizing and cutting ties with reprobates, healing, and rejoicing in the peace and love of
the Lord, our Father
* A Blessed and Happy Easter To You And Your Loved Ones *
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL CONDONED BY SOCIETY. THE ONLY ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS CRITICIZED OR ABANDONED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF. CHILD ABUSE THAT DIDN?T END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN?THE CONTINUING ABUSE OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR PARENTS.
If you have ever experienced Adult Child Abuse by a parent, sibling, or other relative, We Welcome You!
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If so, please contact:
Rev. Renee Pittelli
Luke 17:3 Ministries, Inc.
P.O. Box 684
Chestertown, NY 12817
or E-mail us at:
VISIT OUR WEBSITE AT:
Please ask about our Luke 17:3 Ministry in Tennessee, founded by Rev. Denise Rossignol.
Thank you Jesus!
I?M ONLY HUMAN?
?.AND NOBODY?S PERFECT
?.AND HUMAN BEINGS ARE ALL SELFISH
?.AND I MAKE MISTAKES JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE
By Rev. Renee
WHEREFORE BY THEIR FRUITS YE SHALL KNOW THEM?Matthew 7:20 KJV.
EVEN A CHILD IS KNOWN BY HIS DOINGS, WHETHER HIS WORK BE PURE, AND WHETHER IT BE RIGHT?Proverbs 20:11 KJV.
I?M ONLY HUMAN?.
This lame excuse for abuse is the condensed version of ?Hey, what do you expect from meω After all, I?m only human.? It will often be accompanied by some type of theatrics for emphasis- feigned frustration, phony impatience, crocodile tears or a casual shrug. All intended to convey how silly and unreasonable you are being for expecting accountability and proper behavior from a mere human.
(cont?d on page 2?..)
?For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,? declares the Lord. ?As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts??Isaiah 55:8-9
Jesus replied, ?I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed??John 8:34-36.
The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death?Isaiah 57: 1-2.
Now I will break their yoke from your neck and tear your shackles away?.Nahum 1:13.
(cont?d from page 1?.)
Right off the bat, I take issue with the ?I?m Only Human? claim. Psychopaths are not human- at least not like we think of humans. They lack the basics of what makes someone a human being- a conscience. Not to mention any feelings or emotions that aren?t negative and destructive. They manage to feel anger, selfishness, resentment, envy, and jealousy (although a lot of that is just an act, too)- but they do not feel empathy, kindness, sympathy, mercy, compassion, pity, remorse, or love. They view those who are ?stupid? and ?weak? enough to have such emotions with contempt and scorn- including the people who love them. In their minds, your stupidity and weakness is what makes you deserve what they do to you.
Humans have morals and abide by a code of ethics acceptable in human society. Sociopaths are completely amoral. They do not consider themselves to be a part of human society, and see no reason to abide by its rules. A sociopath will use, abuse, and even destroy anyone they perceive as vulnerable, without batting an eye, as long as it suits them. Their relentless cruelty to innocent human beings, both children and adults, as well as helpless animals, is how they get their kicks. They do it just for amusement. Your life is merely a game to them, and if something is important to you, that?s reason enough to spoil it or destroy it, just to show you who?s more powerful. That?s what they consider ?winning? the game. They enjoy watching the suffering of others. In fact, they love it. They are soul-less predators disguised as humans, the better to walk amongst us undetected. Ruthless, remorseless, malevolent, primitive, reptilian evil, encased in a human shell. Just because it looks like a human being, doesn?t make it one, any more than a wax museum figure is a real human.
?AND NOBODY?S PERFECT
This is a Nonsense Statement. Whether or not there are any perfect people is completely irrelevant to the fact that an evil relative is abusing you and you are confronting her for it. Yes, nobody?s perfect and everybody has their flaws, but not everybody?s ?flaws? include bullying, manipulating, conning, lying, or abuse. Harmless little quirks are not in the same category as behavior that damages other people. You don?t have to be perfect, you just have to be nice. Your so-called ?imperfections? do not give you the right to hurt anybody else.
The ?Nobody?s Perfect? premise is an example of black-and-white thinking. If you can?t claim to be perfect (which your sociopath already knows your humility won?t allow you to do), then your only other choice is to be an abuser-there?s no happy medium. So unless you claim perfection, then you are just as bad as your abuser is- you just don?t want to admit it. This is an absurd statement, with no logic behind it. Let?s not get side-tracked here. Regardless of the ?imperfections? of other people, the fact remains that this one person is causing pain and harm for people who don?t deserve such treatment, and most of the other ?flawed human beings? are not.
?.AND HUMAN BEINGS ARE ALL SELFISH
No, they?re not. In fact, without even thinking about it, I can rattle off at least two dozen people I know personally who don?t have a selfish bone in their bodies. If I take a few minutes, I can come up with plenty more. I know dozens of people who have literally spent their lives serving the Lord, doing good deeds, and sacrificing to help others, and who have never benefited themselves at someone else?s expense.
I?ve heard abusers use this argument to justify their abuse many times, and my response is ?Speak for yourself.? Not only are most people not inherently selfish, but some of the least selfish people in the world are survivors of child abuse, most of whom have been raised to put other people before themselves at all times and no matter what.
Many abused children have been ?parentified?- expected to run the house, raise younger siblings, take on adult responsibilities, and take care of their parents and solve their problems. My birth-mother frequently complimented me on how ?unselfish? I was and told me that my sister was not like me- she was ?more selfish? and ?not as generous.? I was chosen to fill the caretaker role, and my sister was not. So my mother reinforced ?unselfishness? in me, but did not expect it of my sister.
This childhood brainwashing molds our adult personalities into compliant, selfless, patient, long-suffering and uncomplaining caretakers whose own needs never get met, and sets us up as prey for predators and targets for abusers for the rest of our lives. I spent my entire childhood caring for my neglectful and abusive parents, their other child, and their house- no self-preservation or self-defense was allowed, much less outright selfishness. They continued to take full advantage of my generosity and self-sacrificing personality long into my adulthood. Finally, I had to learn to put my own needs first, and to internalize the concept that it wasn?t ?bad? of me to do that. I had to force myself to be a little selfish sometimes, just as a matter of survival, and it was very uncomfortable for me. One of the biggest problems that abuse victims have is their extreme reluctance to set boundaries, because they don?t want to be ?selfish.? Of all the good, kind, caring, giving, generous unselfish people in the world, abuse survivors top the list- even to their own detriment.
It is ironic that selfishness is literally the defining trait of narcissists, sociopaths, and abusers- and yet they dare to project this same trait onto everybody else, in an attempt to make it sound like normal human behavior.
The ?Selfish? premise states that selfishness is universal among human beings. Your abuser can?t be one of the unselfish humans, because there are no unselfish humans. That is a ridiculous statement to make, and a complete lie.
?.AND I MAKE MISTAKES JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE
Yeah, but everybody else?s ?mistakes? don?t cause harm to other people on a regular basis, and the abuser?s ?mistakes? do.
Let?s start off by defining a ?mistake.? A mistake is something you do accidentally or inadvertently. There is no such thing as ?accidentally? abusing someone, so abuse cannot be defined as an all-too-human ?mistake.? Your abuser?s ?mistakes? are repeated over and over again, because he knows he can get away with it with someone who loves him. He uses your love for him against you. Abuse is an ongoing pattern of behavior, often planned out in advance, and carried out with callous disregard for the feelings and welfare of the victim. It isn?t just a little ?oopsie.? People who make genuine mistakes apologize and make sure it doesn?t happen again. They don?t keep repeating the same ?mistake? again and again.
Have you ever watched a talk show and seen a husband who cheated on his wife (with her sister or best friend, just to make it interesting) pretend to lose patience with his wife?s continued lack of trust in himω Time and again, I have watched cheaters, both male and female, state something to the effect of, ?Yes, I?ve made some mistakes. But that was in the past, and I?m sick of you not trusting me now. You need to get over it.? None of them ever explain how you can possibly have an affair ?by mistake.? What, you didn?t know you were having sexω You thought you were imagining itω You ?accidentally? slept with someone other than your spouseω Howω You forgot what your wife looked like and mistook her best friend for herω Just an innocent little mistake, rightω Just for once, I would love to hear somebody explain exactly how it?s possible to ?accidentally? have sex- with anyone!
You cannot gossip and lie about your adult child ?by mistake.? There is no such thing as ?accidentally? gossiping or lying. You can only make a conscious decision to do it, because you want to and you don?t care about the pain you will be causing. You cannot lie to your adult child ?by mistake.? You can only lie on purpose, because you are a liar.
Exactly how is it possible to snoop through somebody else?s closets ?by mistakeω? Were you sleep-walkingω How is it possible to ?mistakenly? pry into someone else?s business, or ?accidentally? ask nosy questions and try to get information about your child from one of her friendsω
Criticizing or belittling another person is not a ?mistake.? How is it a ?mistake? when you raise your voice at another adultω Or call them a nameω Are you trying to say that you made a mistake and called them the wrong name, when you meant to call them a different nameω
You cannot ?accidentally? steal from or con a relative. You cannot cheat your child ?by mistake.? You make a decision to steal, cheat or con someone.
There is no such thing as ?accidentally? disowning your adult child, so you did not ?make a mistake? when you did it.
You cannot sexually molest your child ?by mistake.? Yes, even if you?re drunk or on drugs- that is still no excuse. You did it because you wanted to do it.
If your adult child has already asked you to stop saying or doing something that is upsetting him or his wife, and you do it again after being warned, you cannot claim you ?didn?t know it would upset him,? so you ?made a mistake.? You knew, because you were told. But you chose to do it anyway. That is not an ?accident? or a ?mistake.? That is a deliberate choice on your part. You don?t ?accidentally? do something you have already been asked in plain English not to do.
Maybe you?re defining a mistake as making a decision that turned out to be poor judgment. In that case, you are admitting that you made a deliberate decision. You intentionally chose to do something that would hurt someone else. You didn?t do it ?accidentally,? and you didn?t do it ?by mistake.? It might not have turned out to be the wisest decision on your part, but it was a decision nonetheless. The only thing that was unintentional on your part was that you got caught. You rolled the dice, knowing it was detrimental to your relative, but you didn?t care. And you didn?t get away with it- you got found out. If no harm was intended, but harm resulted anyway, then you wouldn?t hesitate to genuinely apologize and be remorseful. Only a sociopathic abuser would not admit she deliberately did wrong and got caught, because that would cause a power shift in the relationship. It would mean she screwed up and lost the game.
The ?Everybody Makes Mistakes? premise presumes that the definition of a ?mistake? includes deliberate malice, and that ?everybody? maliciously abuses other people, which they most certainly do not. No matter how you slice it, abuse does not qualify as an innocent mistake. It is impossible to ?accidentally? abuse someone. Abusers don?t make ?mistakes.? They make choices.
Narcissists and sociopaths are hardly qualified to make sweeping statements about human nature. They are far too self-absorbed to observe others with an unbiased eye. They only observe you long enough to learn your weaknesses so they can exploit them. And they assume that everyone else is just like them, only dumber. Just as selfish, just as manipulative, just as dishonest, and just as evil. Imagine if we all decided to behave the way they do- because, after all, we?re all ?only human?- and what?s good for the goose is good for the gander, isn?t itω Do you think they?d let us get away with itω
Evil always disguises itself as good- that?s the only way it can operate. Even Satan disguised himself as an angel of light. Abusers use the ?I?m Only Human? excuse to make their behavior sound as if it was normal- and you?re the one who has something wrong with you because you didn?t realize your abuser is no different than anybody else, including you. How stupid are you not to understand that everybody behaves this way and does these thingsω Yes, the implication is that you, too, are guilty of imperfection, selfishness and ?mistakes? that cause you to abuse other people. When you confront your abuser and he uses the ?I?m Only Human? excuse, he?s telling you that you?re no better than he is- because, after all, we?re all human. You have no right to complain about his perfectly ?normal? human behavior, because you?re not perfect, either, you?re just as selfish as everybody else, and you make mistakes, too.
He?s also telling you that he can?t help it and he?s always going to act this way. Because changing his behavior would mean going against human nature itself, you can never expect him to stop. The ?I?m Only Human? excuses are twisted, flawed logic- exactly the kind of convoluted, confusing mind-games sociopaths play to allow them to continue getting away with abuse. They love to play innocent, and the pity ploy is one of their little tricks. They know that we are human, and human nature causes us to be inclined to give those we love the benefit of the doubt. We want to trust them, and we want to believe them. All they have to do is pretend they?d love to change if only they could, put on a good enough act, and we?ll wind up feeling sorry for them.
If we continue to insist they change something they?re not capable of changing, that would make us unreasonable and mean. We would be the bad guys, for making them feel bad about themselves. After all, it?s not their fault. Nothing is ever their fault. They?re only human. The next time your psychopathic abuser claims to be ?only human,? it might help to remind yourself that no, it?s not.
PUT ON THE WHOLE ARMOUR OF GOD, THAT YE MAY BE ABLE TO STAND AGAINST THE WILES OF THE DEVIL. FOR WE WRESTLE NOT AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD, BUT AGAINST PRINCIPALITIES, AGAINST POWERS, AGAINST THE RULERS OF THE DARKNESS OF THIS WORLD, AGAINST SPIRITUAL WICKEDNESS IN HIGH PLACES. WHEREFORE TAKE UNTO YOU THE WHOLE ARMOUR OF GOD, THAT YE MAY BE ABLE TO WITHSTAND IN THE EVIL DAY, AND HAVING DONE ALL, TO STAND....Ephesians 6:11-13 KJV.
A PORTRAIT OF EVIL,
OR HOW MY BIRTH-FATHER FINALLY SANK TOO LOW TO DIG HIMSELF OUT
By Rev. Renee
This is the painful story of my birth-father?s reprehensible actions before, during, and after my mother?s final illness and death. It illustrates the type of wicked behavior one can expect from a true reprobate, one who has given himself completely to his evil desires, and who leaves others no choice but to save themselves and their loved ones by walking away. There is nothing that can be done for a person like this. He chooses not to repent and turn to God. He is unsalvageable and dangerous.
Despite my birth-mother?s controlling and manipulative behavior, I was always devoted to her up until the time she chose to disown me, in part due to my birth-father?s pressure. We had a fairly decent relationship and I indulged her and let a lot of things slide. Since childhood, she had put me in the position of defending her against my birth-father, and by adulthood, it was a way of life for me.
Although my mother was a life-long health-freak and non-smoker, she developed lung cancer at the age of sixty-nine. I accompanied her to her doctor?s appointments and the hospital. She required major surgery to remove a portion of her lung. She would be opened up from the middle of her chest all the way around to the middle of her back. She was frightened and upset, and my family and I were devastated and frantic to help her.
THE REPROBATE?S TRUE COLORS BEGIN TO SHOW
On the day of her surgery, my birth-father had booked a bus trip to Atlantic City, which he refused to cancel. My mother was ashamed to tell me. When I finally found out, only after a huge battle did he grudgingly agree to postpone his gambling junket and stay at the hospital, as she had done in the past for him. He was the only one authorized to make medical decisions on her Living Will and Health Care Proxy, even though I had implored her many times not to leave him in charge of her life. I was in a panic that we would not even be able to find him if a decision had to be made.
She was hospitalized for three weeks and then needed continued care. I worked full time, and had a family to care for. My birth-sister had a job that allowed her to work just thirteen days a month, had no children, lived a 45-minute plane ride away, had plenty of accumulated vacation time, (which she wanted to save for an actual vacation) and could fly for a greatly reduced fare, yet she did not show up even once. My birth-father was retired, but only went to the hospital two days a week. I commuted three hours a day, taking the train to New York City five days a week, in August, with severe asthma, to care for her, many times not getting home until 10:00 or 11:00 at night, after having waited for the doctors to make their rounds so I could talk with them. My children had only sandwiches for dinner during those weeks. I missed so much work that I was fired from my job just a couple of weeks after she came home from the hospital.
My mother recovered slowly, went for radiation treatments, and all seemed well for a year and a half, until she started acting strangely. She became very confused, lost track of time, and would stand and stare at her clothes without being able to dress herself. She began eating a great deal and gained a lot of weight, although in the past, she had always been very careful to watch her weight. She became very compliant and seemed to move through life like a robot.
She had been my birth-father?s free bookkeeper in his business for fifteen years, yet now she was messing up their checkbook. She began ordering anything she would see on a TV commercial. She began to lose her balance, and had double-vision. She complained that she couldn?t read a magazine because her eyes kept skipping from line to line. She was always exhausted, and would fall asleep at inappropriate times. This rapid decline happened in a very short period of time.
My birth-father, who was with her every day, saw all these symptoms developing but refused to do anything about it. He continued to allow her to drive alone, and she began getting lost. Her friends expressed concern for her. I constantly argued with him to take her to the doctor, and he snapped at me that he was ?taking care of it?, ?everything is under control?, and to ?stop interfering?. He insisted on waiting for her three-month check-ups to report any new symptoms to the doctors, rather than calling them right away.
Then she became incontinent and began having morning headaches. It occurred to me to look up her symptoms in a child?s medical encyclopedia I had (we were not online back then), and I was alarmed to realize she had many symptoms of a brain tumor. I remembered that when the doctors had first diagnosed her lung cancer, they told us that, if it spread, it could go to three places- her other lung, her liver, or her brain.
I insisted that my birth-father take her to the doctor or let me take her. We had a huge fight, and he ?banned? me from his house for ?interfering?.
My husband immediately made an appointment for her to have a brain scan with a radiologist a couple of miles from my parents? house. He called my birth-father to tell him about it and what time to bring her, as we were both at work (I had just gotten another job). Daddy Darling informed my husband that it was ?inconvenient? to take her right now, because they had plans to go out to lunch. Only when my husband became angry did my father finally agree to take her. He was always a little afraid of my husband!
Well, within a couple of hours, two different doctors called to insist that she get to the emergency room immediately. She did have a brain tumor, and also swelling and water on her brain, which would cause a coma if there was a delay. My birth-sister happened to be in town to take a test for work, and she was at my mother?s house when the doctors called- luckily for my mother, since I had been ?banned? from their home. Sis and her husband drove my mother to the hospital. They stayed in town the next day, as they had already planned to do, and then left for home, never to return again during the ensuing ordeal.
Once again, my mother was in the hospital for weeks, and I was with her. I was distraught that the cancer had spread, but my birth-sister was not there for support of any kind. She never came back the whole time our mother was hospitalized, and never even called me to find out what the doctors were saying, how our mother was doing, or how I was holding up. My birth-father kept telling me that he was the ?head of this family? and he would ?make all the decisions.? My husband and I were terrified that he might make a decision that would hurt my mother, so we stayed at the hospital constantly, making sure that we were the ones speaking to the doctors, while our poor children fended for themselves at home.
My father came to the hospital only occasionally. One time, he asked me to rearrange my schedule so that he could visit her on a Sunday and I could go an extra day during the week. Without realizing the significance of this, which I?ll tell you about later, I turned him down, because he was retired and could go anytime, while I was working again and already taking off three days a week. I could not afford to take off a fourth.
Once, my husband, sons, and I had arrived in my mother?s hospital room for a visit, just in time to hear her being badgered by her husband over the phone. When my maternal grandmother had died ten years earlier, she left some money to my mother. My birth-father had always used money to control my birth-mother, who never had any money of her ?own?. She put this money in bank accounts in trust for my sister and me, so she could use it if and when she wanted to, and when she passed away, it would revert to us without having to go through her will, or go to her husband. She would not put my father?s name on these accounts or give him any information about them. When we arrived at her hospital bedside, he was grilling her about what banks this money was in, and where the bank books were. She looked very uncomfortable and kept telling him she couldn?t remember. As we sat there for twenty minutes, she was becoming exhausted from talking for so long, but he kept trying to wear her down. I finally took the phone way from her and told him he was cutting into our visit and she couldn?t talk anymore now. Again, I didn?t realize the significance of this until I looked back in hindsight.
My mother had also inherited her parents? house in Brooklyn, and she refused to put my father?s name on the deed. For ten years, this had been a bone of contention in their marriage and they had argued about it frequently. My father had always had property, money, and his business in his name alone, which he used to threaten and control my mother, so she felt that she needed something in her name for her future security. She was determined to keep her parents? home in her own name without signing it over to him.
This time, my mother needed brain surgery, more radiation, and months of rehab to regain her balance. She wasn?t allowed to drive for four months, so I drove her everywhere, or made arrangements for transportation. I arranged with the hospital to have a nurse come to her home, and for physical therapy as well. Little by little, she recovered and went back to normal. She fixed all the mistakes she had made in their checkbook, returned all the merchandise she had ordered but never really wanted, and even laughed when she realized how bad she must have been.
SATAN?S SCHEMES REVEALED
As if my birth-father?s previous behavior wasn?t bad enough, much more was going on behind the scenes that I was unaware of. But the Holy Spirit, who is the Spirit of all Truth, began revealing to me what was really happening. He made sure to give me all the knowledge I would need to fight this spiritual warfare.
One day, I picked my birth-mother up and drove her to a family bridal shower. She began telling me what my father had done to her in the hospital. It seems he showed up with his lawyer, who was also his fraternity brother (and whose loyalties would therefore be with him) and pressured her to sign a power-of-attorney, as well as signing my grandparents? house over to him. This was the reason he was trying to get me to go to the hospital on a different day- so he and his lawyer could schedule a ?visit? without me being there or knowing about it.
They did this to her while she still had the brain tumor and swelling and water on her brain, and was on all kinds of steroids and medications. She didn?t want to sign, and she wasn?t sure what she was signing, but they kept insisting until they exhausted her. She couldn?t read what she was signing because of the double vision and her eyes being unable to focus without skipping from line to line. It was now five months later, and she had never been given copies of what she signed, even though she had called the lawyer and asked for them.
She was very upset as she told me this, and felt very much victimized and violated. She said my birth-father now refused to take his name off the deed. She had asked him how he would feel if she did that to him while he was laying on what could very well have been his deathbed, and all he would say was ?I wouldn?t like it.? Now that she had regained her mental functioning, she wanted the power-of-attorney destroyed. I explained to her that she would have to sign another paper rescinding it. I also offered help from my lawyer, but she was ashamed and didn?t want anyone else to know. I told her to call the lawyer and insist he send her copies of what she had signed and the new deed so she would know what had transpired.
A few days later, she told me she had spoken to the lawyer, and he said all they had to do was tear up the power-of-attorney. He and my father agreed to do that. I told her that wasn?t good enough without her signing another paper, but she chose to believe them and not fight about it. From past experience, I knew it was best for me to back off without getting further involved.
At one point several years before her illness, my mother had considered divorce and had consulted an attorney. It seems my father had started going to his old secretary?s house, taking her ?out shopping?, and doing chores for her. One time my mother called her rival and asked to speak with her husband, and the woman only said ?Your husband isn?t here now?. My mother told me and several other relatives about her husband?s carryings-on. He threatened to leave her penniless if she divorced him, which is one reason she wanted to keep the money and house from her parents in her name only, even though her lawyer assured her she would get a very generous settlement. I promised her the full support of my family and me. In the end, she decided to stay with him because she ?liked going out as a couple? and didn?t want to disrupt her social life.
This was very typical of my mother. She liked getting sympathy and attention from family and close friends because of my father?s treatment, but she wanted other people to think her marriage and family life were perfect, and her social life had always been the most important thing to her- even more important than babysitting her toddler grandson while I was in the hospital giving birth to her second grandson! Believe it or not, ultimately, she decided to stay in a bad marriage because she liked going out on Saturday nights. After this, I told her we would not be discussing her marriage anymore, because I could not continue being aggravated by something she never intended to do anything about except complain.
So through incidents like this, I eventually learned that, even though she had indoctrinated me to shield her from her husband since childhood, usually diverting the brunt of his abuse onto myself for her sake, I couldn?t always jump to her defense anymore, because she didn?t always want to be helped. I decided that if she was happy believing my father and his frat-brother lawyer had ripped up the power-of-attorney, then I wasn?t going to worry about it anymore, either.
Well, to make the rest of the story a little shorter, my mother made a full recovery while my health seriously worsened from the stress of dealing with my parents. A year later, I knew I needed to limit my time with them, and my mother reacted, by ending our relationship, even after all I had done for her. Her decision was ?encouraged? by pressure from her husband, whom we could hear ?coaching? her on what to say on the phone by whispering in her ear when she spoke to me or left messages. Since he was hard of hearing, he did not realize he was whispering loudly enough to be recorded on our answering machine as he instigated whatever trouble he could. Approximately a year after disowning me, she took a mysterious ?fall? down a few heavily carpeted steps, and was taken to the hospital, where she slipped into a coma. The doctors could find no reason for her not regaining consciousness. Tests for a stroke and cancer all came back negative.
From her previous illnesses, I was well aware that on her Health Care Proxy and Living Will, she did not want any artificial means of being kept alive, such as respirators or feeding tubes. She was adamant about this, and had made her wishes well known to family and friends for fifteen years, ever since her own mother became ill and died. Because of my own health problems, as well as that fact that she hadn?t spoken to me in a long time, I took a back seat this time. I visited, but I had no authority to take over her health care. The Lord God had mercifully spared me going through that ordeal yet another time.
Friends who went to the hospital with my birth-father were very disturbed by his coldness. He showed no signs of being upset that my mother was hurt. He told them HE was just fine, as if it was all about HIM, and that he was used to handling health problems, even though he had never handled any of the previous ones, and that they should just go home. My cousins were livid that they stayed in the hospital the entire day, on the second day of my mother?s injury, and my birth-father never showed up once. Apparently he was busy elsewhere, possibly with his mistress.
Daddy Darling tried to get me to call him by leaving a message for me saying ?Your mother is in the hospital. Call me back if you want to know anything else.? Now, why not just leave some information and the name of the hospital on my voice mail instead of forcing me to call him to get any detailsω It was blatant blackmail to get ME to be the one to call him again. And then he would have the upper hand, having information that he would know I wanted, and which he would dole out only in return for something he wanted. He could do me a big favor by telling me what happened, and then I would owe him one! I knew my mother was already getting medical care for whatever it was, and I really didn?t want to walk back into another healthcare nightmare with her, with nobody helping me and her not even appreciating it, having disowned me after saving her life and getting her through the last crisis. Even when she found out I had been fired from my job because of taking care of her, her callous response was, ?You didn?t like that job, anyway!? I decided there was no reason to call Daddy Darling back, because sooner or later I?d find out what was going on, anyway.
My birth-sister didn?t call off from work, and didn?t arrive until four days later. But the day after our mother was hospitalized, she called me four times to find out what was happening and to ask if I thought she should take off from work. I heard from my sister more in that one day than I had heard from her in the whole previous twenty years. She was obviously hoping I would step in and take over, like I always had before, letting her off the hook so she could be free to go to HER job and live her life, while I lost another job and my life was thrown into chaos again. I reminded sis that mom had disowned me a long time ago, and informed her that I wouldn?t be getting involved again, and that this time, it was HER turn. She told me the doctors wouldn?t tell her anything over the phone because they didn?t know if she was really our mother?s daughter. I responded that, if that was the case, then they wouldn?t tell ME anything over the phone, either. In fact, even if I was there in person, they wouldn?t have anyway of knowing if I was a daughter or some ?imposter?, so she should call off from work and get here ASAP. Finally, sis arrived, stayed less than two weeks, told my cousins she had to go home to ?get a prescription filled?, which she could have just as easily done at a local pharmacy, flew home, and, instead of catching the next flight back, never returned until after my mother died three weeks later.
Against all of our mother?s expressed wishes, and apparently with the agreement of my birth-sister, my birth-father had our mother connected to life support, including a feeding tube. I did not know why until later. They kept her in the county hospital, where the ambulance had taken her, and never got her private care or moved her to a hospital that specialized in head trauma. A friend told my husband and me that the county hospital only keeps a patient in that state for a month before wanting them moved to a nursing home. We thought my father would never pay a dime for nursing home care for my mother. Sure enough, at the end of the month, they had her life support disconnected. She passed away a week later, without my birth-sister ever coming back to say goodbye.
At the funeral, my birth-father proceeded to offend those who loved my mother by assuring them that HE was going to be just fine, he was going to do some traveling, and he was going to do all the things he had been waiting to do, as if my mother had been holding him back and he resented her being alive. People at the wake were appalled to hear him tell my birth-sister to clear ?her mother?s things? out of the house before going home, as if he couldn?t wait to get rid of any trace of his wife. Many relatives and friends were so upset at his callous behavior that they refuse to have anything to do with him to this day.
A couple of months later, his lawyer sent me a copy of my mother?s will, leaving me half her jewelry, and a paper to sign off on the will. I called my lawyer, who advised me not to sign anything. He asked me if my mother ever mentioned anything else she was leaving me, such as money. It was then that I remembered the bank accounts with my grandmother?s money, which my mother had put in her name only, in trust for me and my birth-sister. My mother had written down the banks and account numbers and given them to me years earlier.
My husband and I went to the bank, where we were advised that the accounts had been closed and $44,000 was gone. We were shown a photocopy of my birth-father?s driver?s license, which he used as identification when he took the money, as well as copies of the power-of-attorney that was supposed to have been destroyed almost three years before. The date was two weeks into my mother?s final hospitalization. We told the bank there would be legal action taken, and immediately called our lawyer.
Our lawyer solved the mystery of why my mother?s final instructions were ignored and she was hooked up to life support - because the power of attorney was only valid while she was alive. If she had died, the power of attorney would have died with her, and the trust would have reverted to me and sis. Our birth-father had kept our mother alive artificially against her wishes so he could empty out those bank accounts and take the money she wanted us to have!
Our lawyer was so appalled by what was done that he encouraged me to sue Daddy Darling for my share of the money, and told me he would take my case pro-bono. He said he would keep my birth-father in court for the rest of his life if necessary. He also said that what my father?s frat-brother attorney had done, by going to my mother?s hospital bed and making her sign papers while she had a brain tumor, was illegal, and he could be disbarred for it.
To be Continued?..
Then he said unto them, O fools, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken: Ought not Christ to have suffered these things, and to enter into his gloryω And beginning at Moses and all the prophets, he expounded unto them in all the scriptures the things concerning himself?Luke 24:25-27 KJV.
And he said unto them, These are the words which I spake unto you, while I was yet with you, that all things must be fulfilled, which were written in the law of Moses, and in the prophets, and in the psalms, concerning me. Then opened he their understanding, that they might understand the scriptures, and said unto them, Thus it is written, and thus it behooved Christ to suffer, and to rise from the dead the third day: and that repentance and remission of sins should be preached in his name among all nations, beginning at Jerusalem. And ye are witnesses of these things?Luke 24: 44-48 KJV.
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for suffering and dying for us on Calvary. Thank you for saving us by your precious blood.
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The Lord specifically called Sister Renee to minister to Adult Children, not their parents, estranged siblings or friends, abusive or abused spouses, or victims of other types of abuse, although what we write here can often be meaningful for those folks as well. Because of this, our ministry and website have a narrow focus which we will not be changing. We simply can't cover everything. In addition, it is not our purpose to help you re-establish contact with someone who felt it was necessary to cut you off for the sake of their own well-being. We do not keep a list of resources for estranged parents or any other type of abuse and suggest if you are sincerely interested in making amends with an estranged relative, you do an internet search for a website or group that will be more relevant to you. If you cannot find a group or site that you can relate to, we suggest you start your own, and bless other people in your position as well as find support for your personal issues.
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