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***Like us? Visit our facebook page and “like” us, and voice your opinions on our facebook discussions about narcissists, abuse, and survival. To all who ask for advice, we are sorry we cannot provide it on an individual basis or refer you to a counselor (other than the Holy Ghost!) but we hope you’ll find support and encouragement on our facebook page- See you there!

Our Father’s Promises To Us

And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God. And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new….Revelation 21: 3-5 KJV.

Check back next week for another Promise from God……

Jerry: Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life’ll totally change.

Elaine: Jerry, It’s three-thirty in the morning. I’m at a cockfight. What am I clinging to?

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Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. “I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.  Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

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“When people show you who they are, believe them”….Maya Angelou

An abusive birth-relative is most often a parent, but can also be a sibling, grandparent, cousin, aunt or uncle. When we refer to abusive, controlling, or abandoning “birth-families”, we mean the family who raised you, and who was supposed to love, protect, and cherish you. This includes adoptive, step-, and foster families.

There are a number of behaviors that can be considered abusive, but we often don’t think of them in that way simply because we have been raised experiencing these behaviors from a relative that we have known all of our lives, and we think of his behavior as normal, because it is all we have ever known from him.

Because we love this person, we tend to overlook his behavior. We have also been trained since childhood to ignore or make excuses for the abuse by other relatives who are in denial or who protect the abuser (see The Silent Partner). A family member’s bad childhood, background, war experiences, alcoholism, personality disorders, psychological problems, etc., may help us to understand him, but should never be used as an excuse to justify his mistreatment or abuse of others. Whether he chooses to get help for his issues or not, he does not have the right to inflict them on anyone else.

We sometimes don’t understand that we are really being abused until we compare our family relationships with someone else whose family does not behave in an abusive or controlling manner.

Any behavior which attempts to control you is abuse, simply because adults do not control other adults. When any given behavior causes you stress on a regular basis or begins to undermine your self-esteem, it has crossed the line into abuse.

Here are some examples of abusive behavior. Please e-mail us any others you can think of so we can add them to our list.

Criticism Manipulation Humiliation Betrayal Insults

Undermining self-confidence Guilt-Trips Name-calling

Disrespecting Intruding Unreasonable expectations

Treating you like a child Telling you what to do Unloving

Demeaning Not respecting your privacy Lying Stealing

Judgmentalism Raising voice at you Trying to bribe you

Threatening Disowning Making demands Sabotage

Expecting ‘obedience’ from you even though you are now an adult

Pressuring Snide comments Abandoning Giving orders

Inappropriate anger Frequent rudeness

Expecting you to take care of them or solve their problems

Expecting you to sacrifice for them while ignoring your needs (one-way relationship)

Instigating trouble between family members Selfishness

Prying Pressuring you to lie, cover up, or keep family secrets

Picking fights Screaming Belittling Sarcasm Using you

Complaining about you to others Denial Taking advantage

Whining or using tears to get own way The Silent Treatment

Making scenes in public or in front of your children

Pressuring you to take sides with them against other relatives

Blaming you for whatever they’re unhappy about

Blaming you or others for whatever they do wrong

Insensitivity Inconsideration Hurtfullness Uncaring

Minimizing your feelings Nastiness Belligerence Cruelty

Making you doubt your perceptions Pouting Gossiping

Negative remarks about your weight, appearance, etc.

Transferring their abuse to your spouse when you get married, rejecting your spouse

Competing with your spouse

Trying to make an ally of your spouse, smothering your spouse with love to make you look crazy and turn him against you later on!

For more examples of abusive behavior, check out these lists:

bullyeq- Strange Psycho Behaviour

bullyeq- Abuse You May Not Realise

YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU.

A MAN’S ENEMIES WILL BE THE MEMBERS OF HIS OWN HOUSEHOLD…..Matthew 10:36 NIV

CONSIDER IT PURE JOY, MY BROTHERS, WHENEVER YOU FACE TRIALS OF MANY KINDS, BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT THE TESTING OF YOUR FAITH DEVELOPS PERSEVERANCE. PERSEVERANCE MUST FINISH ITS WORK SO THAT YOU MAY BE MATURE AND COMPLETE, NOT LACKING ANYTHING…..James 1:2-4 NIV

BELOVED, THINK IT NOT STRANGE CONCERNING THE FIERY TRIAL WHICH IS TO TRY YOU, AS THOUGH SOME STRANGE THING HAPPENED UNTO YOU: BUT REJOICE, INASMUCH AS YE ARE PARTAKERS OF CHRIST’S SUFFERINGS; THAT, WHEN HIS GLORY SHALL BE REVEALED, YE MAY BE GLAD ALSO WITH EXCEEDING JOY….1 Peter 4:12-13 KJV

GLORY TO GOD! SISTERS, WHENEVER YOU WONDER ‘WHY?’, AND YOU ARE THINKING AND SEEING WITH WORLDLY EYES, DO NOT LOSE SIGHT OF THE BIG PICTURE – GOD’S PICTURE! GOD IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL! PRAISE HIS WONDERFUL NAME!

Nowhere in the Bible are we instructed to ‘psychoanalyze’ offensive/abusive people. We are not told in the Scriptures to try and ‘understand’ why our abuser behaves as she does. We are not told to excuse her abuse because she herself was an abused child, she has ‘issues’, low self-esteem, “personality disorders”, etc., etc. Instead, we are taught how to respond to abuse, and how to deal directly with offenders and their behavior, regardless of their ‘reasons’. We are told, very clearly, to rebuke, to forgive if there is repentance, and to have nothing to do with her if there is no repentance. (Luke 17:3, Ezekiel 33:8-9, Titus 3:10-11, 1 Timothy 5:20, Matthew 18:15-17

***For more on this subject, see sections on Forgiveness, Rebuking, Repenting & Apologies, Setting & Enforcing Limits & Boundaries, The Silent Partner, and Reprobates & Cutting Ties.

****For those dealing with extreme cases (see ‘Reprobates & Cutting Ties’), we also recommend the book, ‘THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR- 1 in 25 Ordinary Americans Has No Conscience And Can Do Anything At All Without Feeling Guilty. Who Is The Devil YOU Know?’ by Martha Stout, Ph.D.

Here are some worldly reasons for abusive behavior. Can you think of any others? Please contribute to our site-let us know your ideas and we’ll add them to the list! Thanks!

***A Special Thank You to all who took the time to contribute to this list. We can learn so much from your voices of experience! God bless you all:)

They need to believe you’re still their ‘little girl’ in need of discipline and rearing

Jealousy or Envy

Guilt

They want revenge against someone who hurt them, but because they can’t get it, they act out their fantasies on those close to them.

Threatened by you in some way (your intelligence, independence, strength, sense of humor, etc.)

Inferior-feeling and need to bring you down to their level

Attention-grabbing

They mistake your ‘niceness’ for ‘weakness’, and they prey on weak people.

Thinks others ‘owe’ them

They thrive on conflict and crisis

Power-trip

Selfish, it’s all-about-me attitude.

Because they can get away with it

They think things will fall apart if they don’t run the show

Trying to deflect attention away from something they’re doing by drawing attention to you in a negative way

Enjoy causing trouble and upsetting others- as if they were the puppet-master and you were the puppet

Miserable in their own lives, and misery loves company

Superior feeling- think they have the right to judge or criticize others

THEY DON’T CARE about you or anyone else but themselves. You are only there to benefit them. When you cease to be useful or don’t give the Narcissistic Supply they want, they will punish you.

They resent you for rocking the boat

You make them look cowardly when you finally take a stand

You make them take a harder look at their own relationships by taking a stand in your relationships

They abuse & control you because it works!

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THE SILENT PARTNER AND THE SILENT MAJORITY

“BECAUSE THEY LEAD MY PEOPLE ASTRAY, SAYING “PEACE” WHEN THERE IS NO PEACE, AND BECAUSE, WHEN A FLIMSY WALL IS BUILT, THEY COVER IT WITH WHITEWASH, THEREFORE TELL THOSE WHO COVER IT WITH WHITEWASH THAT IT IS GOING TO FALL. RAIN WILL COME IN TORRENTS, AND I WILL SEND HAILSTONES HURTLING DOWN, AND VIOLENT WINDS WILL BURST FORTH. WHEN THE WALL COLLAPSES, WILL PEOPLE NOT ASK YOU, “WHERE IS THE WHITEWASH YOU COVERED IT WITH?” THEREFORE THIS IS WHAT THE SOVEREIGN LORD SAYS: IN MY WRATH I WILL UNLEASH A VIOLENT WIND, AND IN MY ANGER HAILSTONES AND TORRENTS OF RAIN WILL FALL WITH DESTRUCTIVE FURY. I WILL TEAR DOWN THE WALL YOU HAVE COVERED WITH WHITEWASH AND WILL LEVEL IT TO THE GROUND SO THAT ITS FOUNDATION WILL BE LAID BARE. WHEN IT FALLS, YOU WILL BE DESTROYED IN IT; AND YOU WILL KNOW THAT I AM THE LORD. SO I WILL SPEND MY WRATH AGAINST THE WALL AND AGAINST THOSE WHO COVERED IT WITH WHITEWASH. I WILL SAY TO YOU, “THE WALL IS GONE AND SO ARE THOSE WHO WHITEWASHED IT”….Ezekiel 13: 10-15 NIV.

“Take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the oppressed. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented”……Elie Weisel

“And there came from the barnyard a great uproar, a mighty racket~ indignant cackling and mindless squawks of protest~ as the eagle rose up and left the chickens behind”…Sister Renee

The Silent Partner is any relative who stands by silently while you are victimized, or who takes the abuser’s side against the victim. She, or he, is usually the other parent, who abdicates her parental responsibility to protect her children, or, worse yet, sacrifices her children to the abuser in order to make her own life easier.

In most cases of birth-family abuse, there is usually not just one single Silent Partner. Several, if not many, family members collude with, protect, and cooperate with the abuser, and participate in scape-goating, pressuring, ostracizing, or trying to silence the victim. I will refer to these evil participants in our abuse as the Silent Majority, although that term requires a bit of clarification. In many instances they are far from silent. Although they might be silent about the actual abuse inflicted upon us, they can be quite vehement in insisting that the victim is wrong for not continuing to accept it.

While encouraging an abuser to operate freely in their midst, they will not be silent when it comes to criticizing the victim. They will look the other way when the victim is being mistreated, never validating her or defending her, and then attack her when she defends herself. The one that they gossip about, smear to others, judge, and condemn will invariably be the victim rather than the abuser. In their sick, evil, twisted minds, it is the long-suffering victim who is the family “trouble-maker”, never the abuser himself. They don’t ever believe there’s anything wrong with him. They don’t see a problem with his behavior. Why? It’s simple. Because birds of a feather stick together.

In our Lord-Of-The-Flies birth-families, the Silent Partner and The Silent Majority don’t bat an eye at betraying an innocent family member who loves them, and serving her up on a silver platter to be sacrificed to vicious, lifelong abuse. They specialize in re-victimizing the victim. Although not as open and obvious about it as the “Alpha Dog” abuser, they are every bit as guilty as he is. By either their silence, or their speaking up against the wrong person, they allow and encourage the abuse to continue. They are PARTNERS with the abuser. They are abusers, too, and it’s time we give them the credit for it .

***TO READ ABOUT THE SILENT PARTNER’S MOST FAMOUS EXCUSE FOR THE ABUSER’S BEHAVIOR, VISIT OUR ARTICLE ‘SHE CAN’T HELP THE WAY SHE ACTS (FOR VARIOUS REASONS), SO YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT IT, FORGIVE HER ANYWAY, AND NOT EXPECT HER TO CHANGE’ IN OUR WEBSITE SECTION ‘THE ABUSER’S REACTIONS TO REBUKE’.

***For more on this topic, please visit the Sections on WHY THEY ABUSE, BETRAY OR ABANDON YOU, THE EFFECTS OF ABUSE,SETTING & ENFORCING LIMITS & BOUNDARIES, REBUKING, THE ABUSER’S REACTIONS TO REBUKE, FORGIVENESS, REPENTING & APOLOGIES, REPROBATES & CUTTING TIES, HAPPIER HOLIDAYS, CLAIMING THE VICTORY, and FINDING PEACE .

AND NOT ONLY SO, BUT WE GLORY IN TRIBULATIONS ALSO: KNOWING THAT TRIBULATION WORKETH PATIENCE; AND PATIENCE, EXPERIENCE; AND EXPERIENCE, HOPE: AND HOPE MAKETH NOT ASHAMED; BECAUSE THE LOVE OF GOD IS SHED ABROAD IN OUR HEARTS BY THE HOLY GHOST WHICH IS GIVEN UNTO US……Romans 5: 3-5 KJV

These are some side- effects of long-term emotional abuse which have been experienced by us or other women we know.

Can you think of any more examples? E-mail us your ideas and we’ll include them on the list.

STRESS

DEPRESSION

SLEEP DISTURBANCES

ANGER

LOW SELF-ESTEEM

ANXIETY

POOR RELATIONSHIP CHOICES

UNJUSTIFIED FEELINGS OF GUILT

INABILITY TO TRUST

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE

MIGRAINES & HEADACHES

EATING DISORDERS

ALCOHOLISM

INABILITY TO CONCENTRATE

JOB PROBLEMS

LOW IMMUNITY

FREQUENT OR SERIOUS ILLNESSES

ABUSING OTHERS

INAPPROPRIATE RAGE

AVOIDANCE OF CONFLICT

FEAR OF REJECTION

EXHAUSTION

BREATHING DIFFICULTIES OR ASTHMA

ULCERS

NIGHTMARES

SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION

SKIN CONDITIONS

CANCER

RECURRENT STIFF NECK

BACK PROBLEMS

AUTOIMMUNE DISORDERS

THYROID DISEASE

LACK OF CONFIDENCE

RESENTMENT

ACCIDENT-PRONE

FOOD CRAVINGS

ALLERGIES OR HIVES

SUBSTANCE ABUSE & ADDICTIONS

HEART DISEASE

EASILY OVERWHELMED

THINNING HAIR

MENSTRUAL OR FERTILITY PROBLEMS

HEART ATTACK

DIGESTIVE UPSETS

FEARS & PHOBIAS

INSOMNIA

SHOULDER PAIN

INABILITY TO SAY NO OR GET OWN NEEDS MET

MASSIVE FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY

EXHAUSTION

HOSTILITY

OCD AND OTHER COMPULSIONS

PTSD SYMPTOMS NOT PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED: HYPERVIGILANCE, FLASHBACKS, EXAGGERATED STARTLE RESPONSE, ETC.

PREMATURE DEATH!

ACCEPTANCE OF ABUSE, BELIEVING YOU DON’T DESERVE BETTER

Setting & Enforcing Limits & Boundaries

YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU. Please scroll down for the poem “I Am A Soldier In The Army Of God”~.

“Courage is being scared to death- but saddling up anyway.”….John Wayne

    If I asked you what you think is the biggest problem in your abusive relationship, would you say the biggest problem is that there are no boundaries or limits? Well, if that’s what you think, you’d be wrong.  

    You see, there are plenty of boundaries and limits in your relationship, and there always have been.  The thing is, all the boundaries are one-way, and all the limits are on YOU.  Are YOU free to voice your honest opinion, say whatever is on your mind, and do whatever you’d like to do?  No?  Well, your abuser is!  Are YOU able to express your feelings of anger and upset, or to protest something you don’t like?  Of course not.  But your abuser is!   Can YOU let anything that pops into your head pop out of your mouth?  No?  Well, your abuser can!  

    Do you have to think before you speak?  Do you have to walk on eggshells?  Why?  Your abuser doesn’t!  Your abuser never had the slightest problem making it crystal clear to you just how she expects to be treated.  And that’s exactly how you treated her.  You wouldn’t dare do anything else.  But how come nobody ever has to pussyfoot around YOU?

     See, there were boundaries and limits all along.  Set by your abuser, on YOU and YOUR behavior.  And without even realizing it, you’ve been simply toeing the line all this time, adjusting everything you do, say, think, and feel in order to pacify your abuser, without ever requiring anything in return. 

     Aren’t you getting tired of always playing by somebody else’s rules?  Isn’t it time for a two-way relationship with a little give-and-take?  Are you ready to be an EQUAL player in this little game of dominance and control?  Then maybe it’s time to start having some requirements of your own, and to start setting some boundaries and limits of your own.  In a balanced relationship, between equal adults, BOTH people share equally in setting the parameters.

    And by the way, if you really want to know what the biggest problem is in your relationship, it’s that the other person in your relationship is an ABUSER!  Which means all bets are off.  You can never expect anything normal and nice.  Carrying on this relationship will be an uphill battle all the way.  Still want to try?  Well, then read on…..

     Sister, did you know that God gave you the right to refuse to allow others to abuse you?  Do you understand that it is not sinful or un-Christianlike to refuse to allow yourself or your loved ones to be exposed to destructive behavior?

            You gladly put up with fools since you are so wise!  In fact, you even put up with anyone who enslaves you or exploits you or takes advantage of you or pushes himself forward or slaps you in the face.  To my shame I admit that we were too weak for that!….2 Corinthians 11:19-21 NIV

            Wow.  Paul said that it’s okay with God if we stand up and defend ourselves from abuse!  Does God actually want us to tell our parent or sibling that she is WRONG? And that what she is doing is EVIL? God not only wants us to speak up, he pretty much ORDERS us to speak up –

            When I say to the wicked,’O wicked man, you will surely die,’ and you do not speak out to dissuade him from his ways, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood.  But if you do warn the wicked man to turn from his ways and he does not do so, he will die for his sin, but you will have saved yourself…..Ezekiel  33:8-9 NIV

            Well, that seems pretty clear.  But what if our relative won’t listen?  Oh well, then he will have to suffer the consequences.  Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time.  After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned….Titus 3:10-11 NIV.   Better a poor but wise youth than an old but foolish king who no longer knows how to take warning….Ecclesiastes 4:13 NIV

            Having been raised to be people pleasers, brainwashed into feeling unworthy of love, caring or consideration, and indoctrinated into sacrificing for our relatives while burying our own needs and feelings, we have precious little experience in setting limits on the behavior of others. Defining our boundaries, protecting ourselves, informing our abusers what we will and will not tolerate, enforcing consequences for offensive behavior, and standing up to evil does not come naturally.  At first, it feels very alien, and we find that we have to force ourselves to go beyond our comfort zone to do it.  But in time, with some practice and the glorious grace of God, setting limits on our abusers will come more easily.  And one day, it will be second nature, and we will be able to do it without feeling anxious or guilty.

            Yes, our families made us feel unworthy of love and caring, but that’s just another one of the devil’s lies. Do you know that your real Father considers you to be so worthy of love and care that he sent his precious Son to die for you?    So then, brethren, we are not children of the bondwoman but of the free…Galatians 4:31NKJV

            Do you know that you belong to God, and not your birth-family?  You are HIS child, not theirs anymore.  Do you realize that God gives no man the right to abuse one of his children?   Now I say that the heir, as long as he is a child, does not differ at all from a slave, though he is master of all, but is under guardians and stewards until the time appointed by the father.  Even so we,when we were children, were in bondage under the elements of the world. But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, ‘Abba, Father!’  Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ.  But then, indeed, when you did not know God, you served those which by nature are not gods. But now after you have known God, how is it that you turn again to the weak and beggardly elements, to which you desire again to be in bondage?….Galatians 4:1-9 NKJV 

            Sister, are you ready to claim the freedom that is your birthright as a child of God?  Are you ready to stand by His grace?  Are you ready to live in peace as HIS daughter, rejoicing in your inheritance? Our Father wants to set you free.  Will you let him? 

            They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me.  Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long.  But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked…..Psalm 129:2-4 NIV

I Am A Soldier In The Army Of God!

I am a soldier in the Army of God.

The Lord Jesus Christ is my Commanding Officer.

The Holy Bible is my code of conduct.

Faith, prayer, and the Word are my weapons of warfare.

I have been taught by the Holy Spirit,

Trained by experience,

Tried by adversity,

And tested by fire.

I am a volunteer in this Army,

And I am enlisted for eternity.

I will either retire in this Army at the rapture,

Or die in this Army;

But I will not get out,

sell out,

be talked out,

or be pushed out.

I am faithful, reliable, capable, and dependable.

If my God needs me, I am there!

I am a soldier.  I am not a baby.

I do not need to be pampered, petted, primed up, picked up, or pepped up.

I am a soldier.

No one has to call me, remind me, write me, visit me, entice me, or lure me.

I am a soldier.  I am not a wimp.

I am in place, saluting my King,

Obeying His orders,

praising His name,

and building His kingdom!

No one has to send me flowers, gifts, food, cards, candy,

Or give me handouts.

I do not need to be coddled, cradled, cared for, or catered to.

I am committed.

I cannot have my feelings hurt badly enough to turn me around.

I cannot be discouraged enough to turn me aside.

I cannot lose enough to cause me to quit.

When Jesus called me into this Army, I had nothing.

If I end up with nothing, I will still come out ahead.

I will win.

My God has, and will continue, to supply all of my needs.

I am more than a conqueror. 

I will always triumph.

I can do all things through Christ.

Devils cannot defeat me,

people cannot disillusion me,

Weather cannot weary me,

sickness cannot stop me.

Battles cannot beat me,

money cannot buy me.

Governments cannot silence me,

And hell cannot handle me.

I am a soldier.

Even death cannot destroy me.

For when my Commander calls me from this battlefield,

He will promote me to Captain and

Then allow me to rule with Him.

I am a soldier in God’s Army,

And I am marching to claim the victory.

I will not give up.

I will not turn around.

I am a soldier, marching heaven bound!

Here I stand!  Will you stand with me?

…Written by B.J. Morbitzer

    For more on this subject, please see the article the articles in this section on the left menu, also  Reaping What They Sow- The Natural Consequences Of Bad Behavior in the Section on REBUKING,  and visit the Sections THE SILENT PARTNER, REBUKING, THE ABUSER’S REACTIONS TO REBUKE, REPROBATES & CUTTING TIES, and HAPPIER HOLIDAYS .

Rebuking

Repenting & Apologies

YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU

REPENTING AND APOLOGIES

REPENT:  TO TURN FROM SIN AND DEDICATE ONESELF TO THE

AMENDMENT OF ONE’S LIFE; TO FEEL REGRET OR

CONTRITION; TO CHANGE ONE’S MIND

Source: Webster’s 9th Collegiate Dictionary

“AND JESUS SAID UNTO HER, NEITHER DO I CONDEMN THEE: GO, AND SIN NO MORE“…John 8:11 KJV.

            When Jesus forgave the adulteress in John Chapter 8, he said, “Go, and sin no more.”  He did not say, “OK, I forgive you this time, now go right back to what you were doing wrong, and every time you do more evil, just come on back and I’ll forgive you again.”  In order to merit forgiveness, CHANGE (repentance) is required. A sincere apology and the changing of one’s hurtful ways, along with a little time, is often all it takes to restore trust in a damaged or lost relationship. Normal folks have no problem smoothing things over,  making amends for an offense, or being remorseful for hurting someone who loves them, especially if it means staying on good terms and keeping the relationship intact.  It seems so simple. And it’s the only way possible to restore the damaged bond.  So why the abuser’s extreme reluctance to do it?

            Abusers and control freaks love having the upper hand.  Humbling themselves to sincerely apologize is rarely something they’re willing to do, much less committing to a change in behavior.  That would require effort on their parts, and the sad truth is, to them, we’re just not worth that effort.

            You see, they know something that we don’t know.  They know that our bond with them is not based on love.  It’s based on domination, co-dependency, fear, resistance to change, and addiction.  They know from past experience that they DON’T HAVE TO treat us well.  They can treat us like garbage, and we’ll still stick around for more.  They have no motivation at all to apologize or change their ways, because they don’t take us seriously, and they don’t care one bit about our feelings.

            But with God’s grace, we can find the courage to change our lives for the better, with or without our abusers.  An important step in deciding whether to stay in a relationship, or end it, is learning to recognize sincere apologies and true remorse, and understanding that these are essential to replacing our one-way, toxic relationship with a healthy bond.

FOOLS MOCK AT MAKING AMENDS FOR SIN, BUT GOODWILL IS FOUND AMONG THE UPRIGHT….Proverbs 14:9 NIV

LET THE WICKED FORSAKE HIS WAY, AND THE UNRIGHTEOUS MAN HIS THOUGHTS; AND LET HIM RETURN UNTO THE LORD, AND HE WILL HAVE MERCY UPON HIM….Isaiah 55:7 KJV

BUT BECAUSE OF YOUR STUBBORNNESS AND YOUR UNREPENTANT HEART, YOU ARE STORING UP WRATH AGAINST YOURSELF FOR THE DAY OF GOD’S WRATH, WHEN HIS RIGHTEOUS JUDGMENT WILL BE REVEALED.  GOD WILL GIVE TO EACH PERSON ACCORDING TO WHAT HE HAS DONE…..Romans 2: 5-6 NIV     

For more on this topic, please see the Sections on FORGIVENESS,REBUKING, THE ABUSER’S REACTIONS TO REBUKE, THE SILENT PARTNER & THE SILENT MAJORITY, REPROBATES & CUTTING TIES, and  SETTING & ENFORCING LIMITS & BOUNDARIES .

Forgiveness-Not Necessarily What You Think

YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU.

And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.  But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses…..Mark11:25-26 KJV

Forgive as the Lord forgave you….Colossians 3:13NIV

     Sister, your Father wants you to forgive.  We all know this is not easy, in fact, it can be very difficult.  The Enemy is jubilant when you do not forgive.  But our hearts must be obedient to our beloved Father, first and foremost, above all else.  We must overcome Satan’s temptation to remain unforgiving. 

     However, forgiveness and the requirement to forgive are not necessarily what we have been led to believe they are by our abusers and their enablers, or by others who are either misinformed or trying to deceive us.  In the Bible, we are told to forgive as the Lord forgave us.(Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32)  The Lord forgives us when we repent. (Ezekiel 33:10-20, Isaiah 55:6-7, Jeremiah 6:16-30 & 26:3, Luke 13:3 & 5, Acts 3:19)  He does NOT forgive those who are ‘stiff-necked’ , refuse to repent, and intend to continue in their sinful ways, and he does not expect us to, either.  By forgiving unremorseful evildoers, we are depriving them of the opportunity to repent and transform their lives.

     In Luke 17:3, Jesus tells us very clearly that we are to forgive someone who sins against us IF he repents.   God does not want us to continue to be abused, in fact, we are told to shun evildoers ( Some examples are Psalm 37:9, Psalm 119:115, Matthew 18:17, Titus 3:10-11, 1 Corinthians 5:1-5.  See the article “No Forgiveness For The Unrepentant” under this heading on the left menu for more).  But if there is true repentance (see Helpful Definitions), the Lord does want us to forgive.

     Click on the articles to the left under “Forgiveness- Not Necessarily What You Think” for details about God’s formula for forgiveness, and help in being able to forgive when there truly is repentance.  May God bless you in your struggle.  With courage from the Lord, the devil, and his tricks to separate us from God’s grace, will be defeated!   OUR GOD IS A MIGHTY GOD!   HALLELUJAH! 

     ***If you are interesting in reading more about the Biblical model for forgiveness and offering unconditional forgiveness or forgiveness without repentance, we recommend the RBC website.  Click HERE for one article and HERE for another one.

***For more on this subject, please visit the Sections SETTING & ENFORCING LIMITS & BOUNDARIES, REBUKING, REPENTING & APOLOGIES, THE ABUSER’S REACTIONS TO REBUKE, and REPROBATES & CUTTING TIES .

YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU.

“Listen! And understand! That terminator is out there. It can’t be bargained with! It can’t be reasoned with! It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!”….Kyle Reese, The Terminator, 1984

BETTER A POOR BUT WISE YOUTH THAN AN OLD BUT FOOLISH KING WHO NO LONGER KNOWS HOW TO TAKE WARNING…..Ecclesiastes 4:13 NIV

FOOLS MOCK AT MAKING AMENDS FOR SIN….Proverbs 14:9

FOOLS HAVE NO INTEREST IN UNDERSTANDING; THEY ONLY WANT TO AIR THEIR OWN OPINIONS…Proverbs 18:2NLT

AS A DOG RETURNS TO ITS VOMIT, SO A FOOL REPEATS HIS FOLLY…..Proverbs 26:11 NLT

BUT BECAUSE OF YOUR STUBBORNESS AND YOUR UNREPENTANT HEART, YOU ARE STORING UP WRATH AGAINST YOURSELF FOR THE DAY OF GOD’S WRATH, WHEN HIS RIGHTEOUS JUDGMENT WILL BE REVEALED. GOD WILL GIVE TO EACH PERSON ACCORDING TO WHAT HE HAS DONE….Romans 2: 5-6 NIV

For more on this topic, please visit the Sections WHY THEY ABUSE, BETRAY, OR ABANDON YOU, THE SILENT PARTNER, SETTING & ENFORCING LIMITS & BOUNDARIES, REBUKING, REPENTING & APOLOGIES, HAPPIER HOLIDAYS, and REPROBATES & CUTTING TIES

It is truly a wonder to behold the amount of time, energy, and creativity that abusers and their Silent Partners will put into inventing an infinite variety of lame excuses to justify why they should be allowed to continue hurting others. How much easier and more constructive it would be to just re-direct and devote all of that effort into simply changing their behavior. But They Don’t Want To. So, whether confronting your abuser, or reading about all of her ridiculous excuses, keep in mind that all you’re really asking of her, and all she really has to do, is JUST STOP IT.

Here are the reactions we ourselves experienced when we began to set limits on our controlling or abusive relatives, as well as reactions other sisters have reported.

Please contribute to our site! If you can think of any more inappropriate reactions, please E-mail us and we’ll include your ideas! Thanks!~

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU’RE MAD AT ME (SEE THE ARTICLE “SELECTIVE AMNESIA”)

DENIAL

GASLIGHTING

INAPPROPRIATE AND JUVENILE DISPLAYS OF ANGER- GRITTING TEETH, SCREAMING, SPEEDING UP THE CAR, NAME CALLING, HANGING UP THE PHONE, PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN AND WALKING AWAY WHILE YOU’RE STILL ON THE LINE AND THEN PUTTING IT ON THE HOOK SEVERAL MINUTES LATER, MIMICKING, IMITATING, OR MAKING FUN OF YOU WHEN YOU COMPLAIN OR CONFRONT HER, ETC.

ACCUSING YOU OF TRYING TO START AN ARGUMENT, YELLING AT HER, SCREAMING OR SCREECHING AT HER, OR DELIBERATELY TRYING TO UPSET HER.

BECOMING VINDICTIVE OR VAGUELY THREATENING-“YOU’D BETTER BE SORRY FOR WHAT YOU SAID”, AS IF YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO CONFRONT HER. CRYING OR LAYING ON A GUILT TRIP-“i CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD SAY SUCH A THING TO ME”, “YOU DON’T LOVE ME”, “HOW CAN YOU BE SO MEAN TO YOUR OWN MOTHER?”

‘I CAN’T CONTROL MYSELF’, ‘THAT’S JUST THE WAY I AM’, ‘IT’S SUBCONSCIOUS’, ‘YOU KNOW I DON’T MEAN IT’, ‘I HAVE TROUBLE EXPRESSING MYSELF’ AND VARIOUS OTHER MENTAL PROBLEMS (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘SHE CAN’T HELP THE WAY SHE ACTS- SO YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT IT, FORGIVE HER ANYWAY, AND NOT EXPECT HER TO CHANGE.’)

YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME/ YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT/ YOU TOOK IT THE WRONG WAY (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘THE MYSTERY EXCUSE FOR ABUSE- VARIOUS VERSION OF ‘YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT’ WITH NO FURTHER EXPLANATION GIVEN’)

REFUSING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘THE 3RS OF ACCOUNTABILITY- REPENTANCE, RESTITUTION, AND PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.’

SHE’S OLD (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘THE OLD AGE EXCUSES: SHE’S OLD- THAT’S HOW THEY GET & HE’S OLD- SO HE’S ENTITLED’)

BLAMING YOU (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘DESPERATE MEASURES- WHEN THEY SENSE THEY’RE LOSING THEIR GRIP ON YOU- 5 SURPRISING WAYS OF KEEPING YOU ATTACHED.’)

BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE

‘I DID IT FOR YOUR OWN GOOD’ (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘SPIN CONTROL-MAKING ABUSE SOUND LIKE A GOOD THING’)

‘WE WERE BOTH WRONG’ OR ‘WE BOTH HURT EACH OTHER’ WHEN IN REALITY THE VICTIM DID NOTHING WRONG AT ALL. (SEE THE ARTICLES ‘THE ‘CHRISTIAN’ ABUSER- TWISTING GOD’S WORD TO JUSTIFY ABUSE’ AND ‘THE MYSTERY EXCUSE FOR ABUSE….’)

TRIANGLING (ENLISTING SOMEONE ELSE AGAINST YOU)-(SEE THE ARTICLES ‘THEY CAN’T ALL BE WRONG AND YOU RIGHT…OR CAN THEY?’ and THE DEVIL’S ADVOCATE: HANDLING THE FAMILY MEDDLER…OOPS, I MEAN “PEACEMAKER”)

SARCASM

‘I SAID I WAS SORRY’ WITH NO CHANGE IN BEHAVIOR (SEE THE ARTICLES IN THE SECTION ‘REPENTING AND APOLOGIES’)

TELLING YOU THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE’S BEEN GOING THROUGH OR WHAT’S GOING ON IN HER LIFE, AS IF THAT JUSTIFIES HER ABUSING YOU (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘THE MYSTERY EXCUSE FOR ABUSE…VARIOUS VERSIONS OF ‘YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT’ WITH NO FURTHER EXPLANATION GIVEN.’)

TELLING YOU SHE HAS REPENTED TO GOD FOR WHAT SHE DID TO YOU, SO HER CONSCIENCE IS NOW CLEAR (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘THE CHRISTIAN ABUSER- TWISTING GOD’S WORD TO JUSTIFY ABUSE, PART 2’)

TELLING YOU SHE HAS REPENTED TO GOD SO SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO MAKE ANY AMENDS TO YOU (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘THE 3RS OF ACCOUNTABILITY- REPENTANCE, RESTITUTION, AND PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY’)

TELLING YOU GOD FORGAVE HER AND SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN HERSELF TO YOU OR RELIVE THE PAST (SEE ARTICLES IN THE SECTION ON ‘FORGIVENESS- NOT NECESSARILY WHAT YOU THINK’.)

TELLING YOU GOD FORGIVES HER WHETHER YOU DO OR NOT.(SEE ARTICLES IN THE SECTION ON ‘FORGIVENESS-NOT NECESSARILY WHAT YOU THINK’)

TELLING YOU GOD FORGIVES HER SO YOU HAVE TO, AS WELL.(SEE THE ARTICLES IN THE SECTION ON ‘FORGIVENESS-NOT NECESSARILY WHAT YOUR THINK’)

TELLING YOU NOT TO ‘JUDGE’ HER WHEN YOU ARE CONFRONTING HER.(SEE THE ARTICLE ‘YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO JUDGE ME- THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JUDGING AND REBUKING’)

TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘DESPERATE MEASURES….’)

‘AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR YOU'(SEE THE ARTICLE ‘AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR YOU’-TROTTING OUT THE ‘YOU OWE ME’ EXCUSE FOR ABUSE’)

‘YOU’RE TOO SENSITIVE’

‘YOU TAKE EVERYTHING THE WRONG WAY’ (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘THE MYSTERY EXCUSE….’)

REFUSING TO HEAR YOU OUT ‘I’M LEAVING IF YOU CONTINUE TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THIS’

TURNING IT AROUND (GETTING ANGRY AT YOU FOR LETTING HIM KNOW HE UPSET YOU OR FOR SETTING LIMITS- TRYING TO MAKE YOU APOLOGIZE TO HIM!)

‘I DID THE BEST I COULD’ (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘THE SILENT PARTNER’)

‘YOU’RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM’ (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘DESPERATE MEASURES….’)

TELLING YOU OTHER PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM

TELLING YOU YOU’RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH HER; EVERYBODY ELSE LOVES HER!

‘YOU’RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING’

‘NOTHING I DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH’

DISOWNING YOU, ‘I HAVE NO DAUGHTER!’ (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘DESPERATE MEASURES….’)

‘YOU DESERVED IT!’ OR ‘YOU WERE ASKING FOR IT’

ESCALATING THE ABUSE NOW THAT HE KNOWS IT’S GETTING TO YOU.(SEE THE ARTICLE ‘DESPERATE MEASURES….’)

‘LET’S KEEP THIS BETWEEN US’ , ‘DON’T TELL ________’ (ABUSERS AND THEIR ENABLERS ARE ONLY ABLE TO CONTINUE THEIR ABUSE IF THERE IS SECRECY. THEY COUNT ON OTHERS BEING TOO INTIMIDATED TO EXPOSE THEM!) (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘SPIN CONTROL- MAKING ABUSE SOUND LIKE A GOOD THING’)

PRETENDING TO LOSE THEIR PATIENCE WITH YOUR COMPLAINTS-‘JUST FORGET IT!’ ‘GET OVER IT!’ (SEE THE ARTICLE ‘THE MYSTERY EXCUSE….’)

MINIMIZING THE OFFENSE, TELLING YOU YOU’RE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT, OR MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL

Reprobates & Cutting Ties

YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU.

Jerry:  “Marriage is a big step, Elaine.  Your life’ll totally change.“

Elaine:  “Jerry, it’s three-thirty in the morning.  I’m at a cockfight.  What am I clinging to?”

                                                                    ….Seinfeld, The Little Jerry 1/9/97.        

Do you think you understand how a psychopath thinks?  Here’s a riddle for you:

A young woman is at her mother’s funeral.  There she meets a man she’s never seen before.  They talk for awhile and she feels an instant connection to him- it’s love at first sight.  He’s everything she’s ever wanted in a man.  She could easily see herself spending the rest of her life with him. She can’t believe she’s finally found her Prince Charming! The only problem is, she doesn’t get his name or number before he leaves.

Two weeks later, she kills her sister.

Why?

Take some time to think about it, and then scroll down to the bottom of the page for the answer.

IF THE HEAD OF THE HOUSE HAS BEEN CALLED BEELZEBUB, HOW MUCH MORE THE MEMBERS OF HIS HOUSEHOLD!….   Matthew 10:25

Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time.  After that, have nothing to do with him.  You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned…Titus 3:10-11

A sow that is washed goes back to her wallowing in the mud….2 Peter 2: 22 NIV

  ****HIGHLY RECOMMENDED BOOK:  ‘THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR – 1 in 25 Ordinary Americans Secretly Has No Conscience And Can Do Anything At All Without Feeling Guilty.  Who Is The Devil YOU Know?’   By Martha Stout, Ph.D.

   Most of us are dealing with difficult, controlling, or manipulative relatives of one kind or another.  For their own selfish reasons, they cause us sorrow and stress as we try to resolve our relationship with them.  But then there is the type of relative who takes abuse to a whole other level- one who makes all the other problem relatives look like a walk in the park.

     Sister, there are truly evil people in this world.  Some people are just depraved, degenerate, sadistic, vicious, malicious, and without a decent bone in their bodies.  They thrive on chaos and live to wreak suffering, pain, and heartache on others.  They have not one redeemable quality, and no one can think of anything good to say about them.  They have completely rejected God and given their lives over to Satan.  Many of these wicked people are in our prison system, and, unfortunately, many are not; they are still on the loose, out in the world, inflicting their hatred, malevolence and evil on any innocent victim they are able to contaminate. 

     These demonized people marry and have children of their own, just like normal people.  Some of us have had the misfortune to be born one of those children……

***ANSWER TO PSYCHOPATH RIDDLE:   She reasons that if he was at her mother’s funeral, he must be a friend of the family.  So,  if there’s another family funeral, maybe he’ll show up again……

     Did you get it wrong?  Well, don’t feel bad.  You don’t think like a psychopath, but until now you also didn’t understand how they think.  At least now you know what you’re up against.

 ******What does NO CONTACT mean?  And what is HOOVERING?:

CLICK HERE TO READ HOOVERING 101 AND NO CONTACT 101.

AND WHEN PHAROAH DREW NIGH, THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL LIFT UP THEIR EYES, AND BEHOLD, THE EGYPTIANS MARCHED AFTER THEM; AND THEY WERE SORE AFRAID: AND THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL CRIED OUT UNTO THE LORD, AND THEY SAID UNTO MOSES, BECAUSE THERE WERE NO GRAVES IN EGYPT, HAST THOU TAKEN US AWAY TO DIE IN THE WILDERNESS?  WHEREFORE HAST THOU DEALT THUS WITH US, TO CARRY US FORTH OUT OF EGYPT?  IS NOT THIS THE WORD THAT WE DID TELL THEE IN EGYPT, SAYING, LET US ALONE, THAT WE MAY SERVE THE EGYPTIANS?  FOR IT HAD BEEN BETTER FOR US TO SERVE THE EGYPTIANS, THAN THAT WE SHOULD DIE IN THE WILDERNESS.  AND MOSES SAID UNTO THE PEOPLE, FEAR YE NOT, STAND STILL, AND SEE THE SALVATION OF THE LORD, WHICH HE WILL SHEW TO YOU TO DAY: FOR THE EGYPTIANS WHOM YE HAVE SEEN TO DAY, YE SHALL SEE THEM AGAIN NO MORE FOR EVER….Exodus 14: 10-13 KJV.

***For more on this topic, please see the Sections on  REPENTING & APOLOGIES, FORGIVENESS, REBUKING, THE SILENT PARTNER & THE SILENT MAJORITY, THE ABUSER’S REACTIONS TO REBUKE, GOD’S WORD, THE WISDOM OF PROVERBS, THE FREEDOM OF THE HOLY SPIRIT, CLAIMING THE VICTORY, HAPPIER HOLIDAYS,  and FINDING PEACE .

‘Insanity is when you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result’…….Albert Einstein

This great post from our Sister Jenni really sums up how so many of us feel during the holiday season. Many thanks to our Sister for sharing her feelings with us and putting it into words so perfectly~

I hear you all on the holiday grief. For some reason this year I feel a bit
frozen… In the past I have felt really angry/sad because my kids don’t have
reasonable grandparents, we have very little family to have any kind of
traditions with. I just feel like Christmas is coming WAY too soon and I’m not
emotionally ready for it. I want to hit the ‘ignore’ button. Which probably
means I’m shoving something under. Maybe multiple things under. I feel like I’m
just going through the motions and I really don’t care, don’t feel like dealing
with a tree, or lights, or any of the usual fun stuff. I don’t really care that
my family sucks and husband’s family sucks and husband sucks a lot of the time.
I’m just tired. I’m tired of being the responsible one. I’m tired of being the
one who cares, who thinks, who motivates. I’m tired of having people ask me to
do things they are clearly capable of doing themselves. I’m tired of ‘helpless’
narcissistic people. I’m tired of going to stores and looking over my shoulder
for crazy family. I’m tired of being the one they accost rather than their own
son. I’m tired of hearing that my mother is lying about me, about what I said,
about what she said, about what she did. I’m tired of my husband’s family lying
about me, about who I am, about what I am, about what I have said, about what I
believe, about who they are, about what they have said. I’m tired of stupid
people’s stupid excuses for the mean and nasty things they do and say. I’m tired
of having to explain to my kids that just because we are surrounded by Ns in our
family does NOT mean the rest of the world should be viewed with suspicion. I’m
tired of worrying that my kids will grow up to be like the N family. I’m tired
of being so exhausted I can’t do the things I truly enjoy. I’m just flippin
tired.

Wow… I did NOT know all that was in my head.

Jenni

Holidays 2006 Letter

Dear Sisters, and Brothers Too,

Well, it’s already started. As I write this, it’s only the third week in September and already the pre-holiday aggravation is well underway for many of us. The traffic to our site has doubled, and the e-mails are flooding in.

The stress is over one of two things:

1. How to survive spending the upcoming holidays with abusive relatives, or how to finally get out of doing so.

OR-

2. Having suddenly been contacted by an estranged relative, or having an abuser we no longer have a relationship with sneak behind our backs and make contact with one of our children.

If you are going through this, or anticipating it, rest assured that you are most definitely not alone. In fact, this experience is practically universal. Control freaks just aren’t known for accepting defeat and bowing out gracefully.

Abusers to whom we no longer speak will often lurk around in the background till they can catch us at a weak moment. They count on us being all warm and fuzzy and sentimental around the holidays and figure they can take advantage of that and get to us through guilt. Then when we let our guard down again and start trusting them a little (or as soon as they’re nicely seated at our family table for Thanksgiving dinner and know we wouldn’t have the nerve to throw them out or stand up to them in front of everyone else)- Bam! Their true colors come out and we’re right back to square one!

This must have happened to me 150 times before I finally got it and stopped falling for it. I think a big contributing factor is that we are so conditioned to expect family problems during the holidays. We joke about it and even make movies about it. Magazine articles are written about how to ‘handle’ ‘difficult’ relatives at get-togethers. We treat it like it’s a given. But it’s not.

After 47 years of holiday fiascos, I, for one, got fed up with trying to ‘handle’ my relatives, always having to anticipate what might set them off, be one step ahead, not sit this one next to that one, and smooth things over fast before they exploded. It was upsetting, stressful, draining, and exhausting. I don’t know how or when this became my responsibility, but it was never going to stop until I stopped it. I did that by just point-blank refusing to spend anymore holidays with them. And for the first time in my life, I was able to enjoy the holidays like I should have all along, with peace, joy, and my husband and kids, good friends, and ‘normal’ relatives.

I started a tradition of inviting distant relatives, friends, neighbors, and anyone who might be alone, to share the holidays with us. Everyone who came was great company and we all enjoyed every minute. So we continued with that tradition and pushed the ‘delete’ button on the abusers.

If there’s one message I’d love to be able to get out there this year, it’s that anyone and everyone can do what I did, and should do it if the alternative is spending Christmas or Thanksgiving being abused.

Nobody’s family makes a bigger deal over the holidays than mine did. If I can walk away, so can you. I’m amazed that so many don’t realize they have this option, and I didn’t either. For 47 years, I never imagined that I had a choice.

Every year from about now till mid-January, it’s always the same. Suddenly we get this tremendous increase in e-mails and hits on our website. It is just a hideous time of year for so many Adult Children as their abusers manufacture so many crises that never have to be. It’s really disheartening. I just wish the light bulb would go on and everybody would realize that they do have the power to just say No, and make holidays plans that don’t include their abusive families.

Yes, it will probably cause a rift when you rock the boat, but you have to get to the point where you’re so desperate for some peace that you just don’t care about their reactions anymore. There’s a whole other world out there that our abusers don’t want us to ever see or taste- a world of normal people who appreciate their families and can actually manage to be nice to one another. We ALL deserve joyful holidays, and those of us from abusive families only have to grit our teeth, take that first step, and MAKE IT HAPPEN. Don’t waste 47 years like I did.

This holiday season, let’s support each other as sisters and brothers in Christ. Please keep those facing this heartache and stress in prayer. We all need courage to take a stand and start our new life, and the Lord’s comfort as we mourn and adjust to changes in our long-term traditions.

If you know someone with an abusive birth-family, please consider inviting her to join you for the holidays, so she’ll have an alternative to either being alone or spending Thanksgiving and Christmas suffering through her family’s abuse. Or contact your local homeless shelter or food pantry and spend the day serving the Lord, where you will be appreciated and be able to bless others. Take a deep breath and just say No to your abusers, reach out to someone else, and may the Lord fill your heart and home with his peace and joy. I’ll be praying for wonderful holidays this year for all of us…..

God bless you always, Sister Renee

****Please read our articles to the left for practical suggestions….

****Why do Destructive Narcissistic relatives just love to ruin our holidays???? For the eye-opening unvarnished truth, check out Dr. Sam Vaknin’s riveting article, ‘A HOLIDAY GRUDGE’:

IS IT TIME FOR A CHANGE?
The Christmas Holidays and Thanksgiving are a time for peace, joy, and thankfulness. We thank God for all our blessings and rejoice over the birth of our Savior Jesus.

We all expect a certain amount of stress and fatigue during the holidays. Shopping, cleaning, decorating, and cooking can take a lot out of us. And after all the work and rushing around is done, most folks can look forward to being rewarded with an enjoyable time surrounded by their loving family.

But for some of us, these holidays, as well as others (especially Mother’s Day) are a time of extreme stress, anxiety, upset, depression, and exhaustion. We do not have an enjoyable time with family to look forward to. Instead, we dread the coming aggravation from controlling, ill-tempered, selfish, jealous, or abusive relatives.

We end up being disappointed, disillusioned, and saddened that every holiday has to be ruined by family members who should be expressing their love and gratitude instead. We feel doomed to never having a nice holiday.

And yet we do it again the next time. We keep doing the same things over and over again, hoping that this time, maybe it will be different, but it never is. We think we’re doing everything right, but we must be doing something wrong! Guess who needs to make some changes here? (If you said your abusive relative, you’re wrong- and you know that’s not going to happen anyway!)

Sister, are you ready to make some changes? Are you ready to have the happy holidays you always wanted? Are you ready to change your definition of a ‘family holiday’? Are you ready to experience the kind of holiday you and your husband and children deserve?

Then read on , dear sister. Just click on an article under the Happier Holidays heading on the left menu that interests you. We pray that our testimonies will help you claim the peace and joy of the holidays, in Jesus’ name. God bless you and pour out his love, and the love of family and friends upon you during every holiday! In His love,

Sister Renee and Sister Denise

***For more on this subject, please visit the Sections on THE EFFECTS OF ABUSE, THE SILENT PARTNER & THE SILENT MAJORITY, SETTING & ENFORCING LIMITS & BOUNDARIES, REBUKING, REPROBATES & CUTTING TIES, CLAIMING THE VICTORY, OUR REAL FATHER, JOY IN JESUS, THE FREEDOM OF THE HOLY SPIRIT, and FINDING PEACE .

Claiming the Victory

YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU.

Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.”……..Genesis 41:51NIV

THEY HAVE GREATLY OPPRESSED ME FROM MY YOUTH, BUT THEY HAVE NOT GAINED THE VICTORY OVER ME.  PLOWMEN HAVE PLOWED MY BACK AND MADE THEIR FURROWS LONG.  BUT THE LORD IS RIGHTEOUS; HE HAS CUT ME FREE FROM THE CORDS OF THE WICKED….Psalm 129:2-4NIV

O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, Behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.  And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones.  And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children.  In righteousness shalt thou be established:  Thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee.  Behold, they shall surely gather together, but not by me:  Whosoever shall gather together against thee shall fall for thy sake.  Behold, I have created the smith that bloweth the coals in the fire, and that bringeth forth an instrument for his work; and I have created the waster to destroy.  No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn.  This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord…..Isaiah 54: 11-17 KJV

Hallelujah!  Glory to our God!   Praise his wonderful name!

 LET IT GO FOR 2011
By Bishop T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from
you:
let them walk.

I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with
you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
staying
attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is
never

tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from
us
that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had
they
been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.
[1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are
not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go.

And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that
their

part in the story is over.
And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so
that

you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when
it’s
dead. You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something.
I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I
believe

in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and
I
know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if
it
takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.
LET THEM GO!!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and
was
never intended for your life, then you need to……
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains……
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your
worth…..
LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you…….
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge….. .
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction… …
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents …………
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude…
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make
yourself feel better……
LET IT GO!!!

If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him……..
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken
relationship. ……
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help
themselves.. ….
LET IT GO!!!

If you’re feeling depressed and stressed ………
LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying “take your hands off of it,” then you
need
to……
LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2011!!!
LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then…..
LET IT GO!!!

“The Battle is not yours, it is the Lord’s!!!”
 

THEY THAT SOW IN TEARS SHALL REAP IN JOY.  HE THAT GOETH FORTH AND WEEPETH, BEARING PRECIOUS SEED, SHALL DOUBTLESS COME AGAIN WITH REJOICING, BRINGING HIS SHEAVES WITH HIM……Psalm  126: 5-6 KJV

Sister, you will be healed!  You will rejoice! You will have victory in Jesus!  You will move on to a life of peace and happiness, filled with God’s perfect love.  THANK YOU, LORD!

BEHOLD, I GIVE YOU THE AUTHORITY TO TRAMPLE ON SERPENTS AND SCORPIONS, AND OVER ALL THE POWER OF THE ENEMY, AND NOTHING SHALL BY ANY MEANS HURT YOU.  NEVERTHELESS DO NOT REJOICE IN THIS, THAT THE SPIRITS ARE SUBJECT TO YOU, BUT RATHER REJOICE BECAUSE YOUR NAMES ARE WRITTEN IN HEAVEN….Luke 10:19-20NKJV

Thank you, Jesus!

 
‘I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart;                                        

  I will enter His courts with praise.                                                                        

I will say this is the day that the Lord has made;                                              

                                                                I will rejoice for He has made me glad.’

                                                                ….From the hymn ‘I Will Enter His Gates’, composer unknown

In truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as imposters; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything…..2 Corinthians 6: 7-10NIV.

I Am A Soldier In The Army Of God!

I am a soldier in the Army of God.

The Lord Jesus Christ is my Commanding Officer.

The Holy Bible is my code of conduct.

Faith, prayer, and the Word are my weapons of warfare.

I have been taught by the Holy Spirit,

Trained by experience,

Tried by adversity,

And tested by fire.

I am a volunteer in this Army,

And I am enlisted for eternity.

I will either retire in this Army at the rapture,

Or die in this Army;

But I will not get out,

sell out,

be talked out,

or be pushed out.

I am faithful, reliable, capable, and dependable.

If my God needs me, I am there!

I am a soldier.  I am not a baby.

I do not need to be pampered, petted, primed up, picked up, or pepped up.

I am a soldier.

No one has to call me, remind me, write me, visit me, entice me, or lure me.

I am a soldier.  I am not a wimp.

I am in place, saluting my King,

Obeying His orders,

praising His name,

and building His kingdom!

No one has to send me flowers, gifts, food, cards, candy,

Or give me handouts.

I do not need to be coddled, cradled, cared for, or catered to.

I am committed.

I cannot have my feelings hurt badly enough to turn me around.

I cannot be discouraged enough to turn me aside.

I cannot lose enough to cause me to quit.

When Jesus called me into this Army, I had nothing.

If I end up with nothing, I will still come out ahead.

I will win.

My God has, and will continue, to supply all of my needs.

I am more than a conqueror. 

I will always triumph.

I can do all things through Christ.

Devils cannot defeat me,

people cannot disillusion me,

Weather cannot weary me,

sickness cannot stop me.

Battles cannot beat me,

money cannot buy me.

Governments cannot silence me,

And hell cannot handle me.

I am a soldier.

Even death cannot destroy me.

For when my Commander calls me from this battlefield,

He will promote me to Captain and

Then allow me to rule with Him.

I am a soldier in God’s Army,

And I am marching to claim the victory.

I will not give up.

I will not turn around.

I am a soldier, marching heaven bound!

Here I stand!  Will you stand with me?

…Written by B.J. Morbitzer

 We worship you, Lord!  We exalt you, Jesus!

Thank you , Lord!

***For more on this subject, please visit the Sections OUR REAL FATHER, JOY IN JESUS, THE FREEDOM OF THE HOLY SPIRIT, GOD’S WORD, THE WISDOM OF PROVERBS, HAPPIER HOLIDAYS, and FINDING PEACE .

God’s Word

Dear Sister, many Bible verses apply to our life situations.  Some Scripture that we include here may not seem relevant to you, but may be meant for someone else.  We do not always understand why the Lord leads us to include or discuss a particular Scripture, but we are obedient to his perfect will.

     Scripture is taken from the New International Version  (NIV) unless otherwise stated.

And do not call anyone on earth ‘father’, for you have one Father, and he is in heaven…Matthew 23:9

Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise….Jeremiah 17:14

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God……2 Corinthians 1:3-4

They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me.  Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long.  But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked…….Psalm 129:2-4

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you….And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him….Colossians 3:13-14,17

Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.  This is how you can recognized the Spirit of God:  Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God.  This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world…..1 John 4:1-3

Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you…..Matthew 7:6KJV

When I say to the wicked, ‘O wicked man, you will surely die’, and you do not speak out to dissuade him from his ways, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood.  But if you do warn the wicked man to turn from his ways and he does not do so, he will die for his sin, but you will have saved yourself……Ezekiel 33:8-9

Though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me.  Teach me your way, O Lord: lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors…….Psalm 27:10-11

Because God has said,’Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’  So we say with confidence,’ The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?’…..Hebrews 13:5-6

Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you….Deuteronomy 31:6

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid……John 14:27

Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.  Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.  But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God……John 3:19-21

So do not be afraid of them.  There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed or hidden that will not be made known.  What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight, what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs….Matthew 10:26-27

If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed…..John 8:36KJV

And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free….John 8:32KJV

The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry: the face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth….Psalm 34:15-16

If you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth, then do this, my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor’s hands; go and humble yourself; press your plea with your neighbor!….Proverbs 6:2-3

The nations will see your righteousness, and all the kings your glory; You will be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow….Isaiah 62:2

Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds- his name is the Lord- and rejoice before him.  A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land…..Psalm 68:4-6

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!…..2 Corinthians 5:17

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business.  Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you….John 15:15

I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve….Jeremiah 17:10

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged…..Colossians 3:21

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things……Phillipians 4:4-8

In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free……Psalm 118:5

For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life…..John 3:16

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins…..Colossians 1:13-14

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you….Ezekiel 36:26

Men of perverse heart shall be far from me: I will have nothing to do with evil…..Psalm 101:4

But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves.  For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict.  You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers, relatives, and friends, and they will put some of you to death.  All men will hate you because of me.  But not a hair of your head will perish.  By standing firm you will gain life…..Luke 21:14-19

Now Jesus’ mother and brothers came to see him, but they were not able to get near him because of the crowd.  Someone told him,’Your mother and brothers are standing outside wanting to see you.’  He replied, ‘My mother and brothers are those who hear God’s word and put it into practice.’…….Luke 8:19-21

Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother,’ Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?   You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye…..Matthew 7:1-5

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you…..Matthew 7:7

No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit.  Each tree is recognized by its own fruit.  People do not pick figs from thornbushes or grapes from briers.  The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart.  For out of the overflow of his heart, his mouth speaks…..Luke 6:43-45

The Wisdom of Proverbs

Dear Sister,  I love Proverbs; it’s my favorite book in the Bible.  I especially love the proverbs of Solomon.  Proverbs is a very short, easy-to-read book and I encourage you to read all of it.  Here are some proverbs that speak to my heart. All are from the NIV unless otherwise mentioned.  I hope you enjoy them,  Sister Renee

Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting with strife…Pr.17:1

He who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind…Pr.11:29

If a man pays back evil for good, evil will never leave his house…Pr.17:13

A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold…Pr.22:1

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall…Pr.16:18

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, for you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared…Pr.22:24-25

Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right…Pr.20:11

How useless to spread a net in full view of all the birds!  These men lie in wait for their own blood; they waylay only themselves!  Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it…Pr.1:17-19

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight…Pr.3:5-6

Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked…Pr.3:25

There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are destestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies, and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers…Pr.6:16-19

When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever…Pr.10:25

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom…Pr.11:2

When the righteous prosper, the city rejoices; when the wicked perish, there are shouts of joy…Pr.11:10

A righteous man cares for the needs of his animal, but the kindest acts of the wicked are cruel..Pr.12:10

The mocker seeks wisdom and finds none, but knowledge comes easily to the discerning…Pr.14:6

A large population is a king’s glory, but without subjects a prince is ruined…Pr.14:28

The Lord works out everything for his own ends- even the wicked for a day of disaster…Pr.16:4

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed..Pr.16:3

He who winks with his eye is plotting perversity; he who purses his lips is bent on evil…Pr.16:30

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity…Pr.17:17

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent…Pr.17:28

A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinions…Pr.18:2

A man’s own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the Lord…Pr.19:3

A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again..Pr.19:19

Do not eat the food of a stingy man, do not crave his delicacies; for he is the kind of man who is always thinking about the cost…Pr. 23:6-7

Whoever says to the guilty,’You are innocent’- peoples will curse him and nations denounce him.  But it will go well with those who convict the guilty, and rich blessing will come upon them…Pr. 24:24-25

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you..Pr. 25:21-22

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share the house with a quarrelsome wife…Pr.25:24

Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble…Pr.25:19

By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures..Pr.24:3-4

Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of the wicked, for the evil man has no future hope, and the lamp of the wicked will be snuffed out…Pr.24:19-20

As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly…Pr.26:11

Like one who seizes a dog by the ears is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own…Pr.26:17

Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I was only joking!’..Pr.26:18-19

As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife…Pr.26:21

If a man digs a pit, he will fall into it; If a man rolls a stone, it will roll back on him…..Pr.26:27

A lying tongue hates those it hurts….Pr.26:28

Let another praise you and not your own mouth; someone else, and not your own lips…..Pr.27:2

Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but provocation by a fool is heavier than both…Pr.27:3

Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?…Pr.27:4

The leech has two daughters. ‘Give! Give!’ they cry…Pr.30:15

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control…Pr.29:11

An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins…Pr.29:22

A man’s pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor…Pr.29:23

Reading Spotlight

LOOK UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU TO CLICK ON EACH BOOK REVIEW.

     LUKE 17:3 MINISTRIES maintains a ‘suggested reading’ list of books which we feel can be helpful to those in our situation.  They may give advice, or be inspirational and uplifting.

     Almost all of the books in our library are written by therapists or psychologists who specialize in family counseling and emotional or spiritual abuse.  Many are Christian counselors, psychologists, or pastors.  Please keep in mind that reading these books, or anything written on our site, should not take the place of talking over your  family issues with your own pastor or therapist; however, we hope you will benefit from the insights they can provide.

Our Real Father

Joy in Jesus

YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU.

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life….John 3:16 KJV.

Thank you, Father!

KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORDS, MESSIAH, REDEEMER, SAVIOR, TEACHER, ALPHA & OMEGA, SON OF GOD, SON OF MAN,  LION OF JUDAH, GOOD SHEPHERD, MASTER, RABBI, LAMB OF GOD, LIGHT OF THE WORLD, RIGHTEOUS JUDGE, ROCK OF OUR SALVATION, PRINCE OF PEACE,  IMMANUEL!

Bless that Wonderful Name of Jesus!  

JESUS IS LORD!

     Sister, did you know that the King of Kings is your brother?:

He replied,’ My mother and brothers are those who hear God’s word and put it into practice.’….Luke 8:21 NIV.

     And that you are his sister?:

For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother………Matthew 12:50 NIV.

For whoever does the will of God is My brother and My sister and mother…..Mark 3:35 NKJV.

     Did you know the the Lord of Lords is your friend?:

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business.  Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you…..John 15:15 NIV.

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends……John 15:13 KJV.

     Do you know that He is your Father?:

And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague….Mark 5:34 KJV.

     Whenever I read those scriptures, I am struck by how awesome they are.  How great is our God!  How deep is his love and caring for us!  Thank you Jesus.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid……John 14:27 NIV.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light….Matthew 11:28-30 KJV.

    Hallelujah!  Jesus will lift your heart!  He will give you peace and joy!

    Sister, whenever I need a little lift, I have a secret home remedy.  I just put some old-fashioned gospel music on the stereo and sing and dance along.  We praise and worship Jesus through song, and praise songs fill us with joy and gratitude for His grace.  Even the titles are uplifting:  I’ll Fly Away, I’ve Got a Mansion Just Over the Hilltop, The Old Rugged Cross, There is a River, Give Me Oil for My Lamp (keep me burnin’), Bless That Wonderful Name of Jesus, I Go to the Rock, O Happy Day, I Shall Not be Moved, Caught Up to Meet Him…..

     I believe that ‘There is Power, power, wonder-working power, in the Blood of the Lamb.’ I have felt that power in my own life!

     I know for a fact that ‘Because He Lives, I Can Face Tomorrow, because He lives, all fear is gone’!  (Bill & Gloria Gaither)  The Gaithers’ Homecoming videos and CDs are some of my very favorites- they are so uplifting, worshipful, and joyful.

     Sister, if you need a quick pick-me-up, get some good old-fashioned, hand-clappin’ church music and put it on your stereo.  Raise your hands to your Lord and praise Him!  Sing and dance to Him!

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands…..Isaiah 55:12 NIV.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth, burst into jubilant song with  music; make music to the Lord with the harp, with the harp and the sound of singing, with trumpets and the blast of the ram’s horn- shout for  joy before the Lord, the King…Psalm 98:4-6 NIV.

Let them praise his name with dancing and make music to him with tambourine and harp.  For the Lord takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation.  Let the saints rejoice in this honor and sing for joy on their beds….Psalm 149 4-5 NIV.

Just A Closer Walk With Thee

(Traditional)

I am weak, but Thou art strong;

Jesus, keep me from all wrong.

I’ll be satisfied as long

As I walk, let me walk close to Thee.

Just a closer walk with Thee;

Grant it , Jesus, is my plea.

Daily walking close to Thee,

Let it Be, dear Lord, let it be.

     Praise God- if we have Jesus in our lives, we don’t need anything else.  If we have Him, we have everything!

IF THE SON THEREFORE SHALL MAKE YOU FREE, YE SHALL BE FREE INDEED….John 8:36.

Hallelujah and Glory to God!  We exalt you, Jesus.  Thank you, Lord.  You are worthy of all honor and praise.  We love you, Jesus!

The Freedom of the Holy Spirit

***Please look on the left menu for articles under this section.  

NOW THE  LORD IS IN THE SPIRIT, AND WHERE THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS, THERE IS FREEDOM……………..2 Corinthians 3:17 NIV

TAKE THE HELMET OF SALVATION, AND THE SWORD OF THE SPIRIT, WHICH IS THE WORD OF GOD…..Ephesians 6:17 NIV

AND I WILL ASK THE FATHER, AND HE WILL GIVE YOU ANOTHER COUNSELOR TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER- THE SPIRIT OF TRUTH.  THE WORLD CANNOT ACCEPT HIM,  BECAUSE IT NEITHER SEES HIM NOR KNOWS HIM.  BUT YOU WILL KNOW HIM, FOR HE LIVES WITH YOU AND WILL BE IN YOU.  I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU AS ORPHANS, I WILL COME TO YOU……….John 14:16-18 NIV

BUT WHEN HE, THE SPIRIT OF TRUTH COMES, HE WILL GUIDE YOU INTO ALL TRUTH.  HE WILL NOT SPEAK ON HIS OWN;  HE WILL SPEAK ONLY WHAT HE HEARS, AND HE WILL TELL YOU WHAT IS YET TO COME……John  16:13 NIV 

AND YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH, AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE…..John 8:32 KJV

GIFTS OF THE SPIRIT

The Word of Wisdom

The Word of Knowledge

Faith

The Gifts of Healing

The Working of Miracles

Prophecy

Discerning of Spirits

Tongues

Interpretation of Tongues

(1 Corinthians 12:8-10)

Prophesying

Serving (Ministry)

Teaching

Encouraging

Giving

Leadership

Showing Mercy

(Romans 12:6-8)

BY THEIR FRUIT YOU WILL RECOGNIZE THEM.  DO PEOPLE PICK GRAPES FROM THORNBUSHES, OR FIGS FROM THISTLES?  LIKEWISE, EVERY GOOD TREE BEARS GOOD FRUIT, BUT A BAD TREE BEARS BAD FRUIT.  A GOOD TREE CANNOT BEAR BAD FRUIT, AND A BAD TREE CANNOT BEAR GOOD FRUIT.  EVERY TREE THAT DOES NOT BEAR GOOD FRUIT IS CUT DOWN AND THROWN INTO THE FIRE.  THUS, BY THEIR FRUIT YOU WILL RECOGNIZE THEM……MATTHEW  7: 16-20 NIV.

THE ACTS OF THE SINFUL NATURE

Sexual Immorality, Impurity, & Debauchery

Idolatry & Witchcraft

Hatred

Discord

Jealousy 

Fits of Rage

Selfish Ambition

Dissensions

Factions

Envy

Drunkeness, Orgies, and the Like

(Galatians 5:19-21)

THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT 

LOVE

JOY

PEACE

PATIENCE

KINDNESS

GOODNESS

FAITHFULNESS

GENTLENESS

SELF-CONTROL

(Galatians 5:22-23)

IF WE LIVE IN THE SPIRIT, LET US ALSO WALK IN THE SPIRIT…..Galatians 5:25  KJV

DO NOT BE DECEIVED:  GOD CANNOT BE MOCKED.   A MAN REAPS WHAT HE SOWS.  THE ONE WHO SOWS TO PLEASE HIS SINFUL NATURE, FROM THAT NATURE WILL REAP DESTRUCTION; THE ONE WHO SOWS TO PLEASE THE SPIRIT, FROM THE SPIRIT WILL REAP ETERNAL LIFE…..Galatians 6:7-8 NIV

Receiving a Word From The Lord

What joy there is in having our Father speak to us.  Although he has millions and millions of children, he will answer each one’s prayer.  His Spirit will speak directly to you and you will know that He is there and that he loves you!  Thank you, Abba Father!

***YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING  ON THE LEFT MENU-

Finding Peace

***YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU.

***For related topics, see Sections on SETTING & ENFORCING LIMITS & BOUNDARIES, FORGIVENESS, REPROBATES & CUTTING TIES, HAPPIER HOLIDAYS, OUR REAL FATHER, JOY IN JESUS, THE FREEDOM OF THE HOLY SPIRIT, CLAIMING THE VICTORY, GOD’S WORD, and THE WISDOM OF PROVERBS .

The Lord’s Links!

Our beautiful banner graphic was designed by Ezekiel 33 graphics.  They offer a great selection of free Christian graphics. http://ezekiel33graphics.homestead.com

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For Answers to Tough Questions ( Unconditional Forgiveness, Forgiveness Without Repentance, Dealing With Rejection, When Your Attempts at Reconciliation Are Rebuffed, etc.):

     Radio Bible Class Ministries (est. 1938) has articles and books written by many pastors and ministers.

Click HERE FOR ONE ARTICLE and HERE FOR ANOTHER ARTICLE.

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Don’t miss this great interview on forgiveness with David Augsburger, Professor of Pastoral Care at Fuller Theological Seminary. CLICK HERE TO READ OR LISTEN.

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What about ‘Honoring’ abusive parents?  See Christianity Today’s article:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2006/mayjun/4.38.html

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For a great article on how your abuser will lie about you to others and try to turn them against you read  ‘The Smear Campaign’:

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/thesmearcampaignoftheabuser.msnw

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Why are you sticking around, or coming back for more??? Great article and checklist on Traumatic Bonding with Abusers and Psychopaths:

http://www.womansavers.com/relationship-articles.asp?a=127

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Unsure of exactly what you’re dealing with? Check out the Characteristics Of Narcissistic Mothers. Click HERE.

For a list of unusual Strange Psycho Behaviors, Click HERE.

For a list of Abuse You May Not Realize is really abuse, Click HERE.

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For a healthy dose of common sense, don’t miss Anna Valerious’  well-written, fascinating, and educational blog Narcissists Suck  CLICK HERE.

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Jam-packed with educational material and helpful, healing suggestions, make sure to check out this wonderful resource whose motto is “The Pain Stops Here.” (PLEASE NOTE: This is a secular forum, not a Christian forum)- Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.com. CLICK HERE.

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A favorite excuse for abuse- “I’m Not Perfect”- or should it really be “I’m Just Plain Evil”?  Check out Soaring Dove’s great analysis on her blog, CLICK HERE.

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Are you dealing with a Narcissist?  For the most extensive study on narcissistic abusers and how to deal with them, check out Dr. Sam Vaknin’s website.

 *******    WHY do Narcissists just love to ruin our holidays (and other good times)????

Click on:   http://samvak.tripod.com/journal40.html  *******

DOWNLOAD THESE E-BOOKS BY DR. SAM VAKNIN AT NO CHARGE:

Narcissism Book of Quotes

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/NPDQuotes.rtf

Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited EXCERPTS

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/MSL2excerpts.rtf

The Developmental Psychology of Psychopathology

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/development.rtf

The Conundrums of Psychology

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/psychology.rtf

Here are more very helpful sites from Dr. Sam Vaknin:

ABUSE in RELATIONSHIPS RESOURCES

ARTICLES

What is Abuse? The various faces of abusive behavior and coping methods.

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse.html

Are you dealing with a relative who has no conscience? Check out lovefraud.com for help in identifying, dealing with, and leaving sociopaths, including personality traits of sociopaths, manipulation techniques they use, the ‘pity play’, how to spot a con artist, and recommended books.  The site is geared toward spouses and domestic partners, but the info it gives is relevant to all relationships with any family member or friend.

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Great links for learning about and dealing with abusive relationships with the Borderline Personality Disordered, Narcissists and Psychopaths:

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: www.adultchildrenofdysfunctionalfamilies.com

The Psychopath Free Forums:  http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org

Psychopath Group:  http://groups.msn.com/PSYCHOPATH

The Nook For Victims of Those With BPD:  www.thenook4pds.com

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Group: http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER

For Adult Children of Narcissists and Psychopaths:  http://groups.msn.com/ADULTCHILDRENOFNARCISSISTSPSYCHOPATHS

 Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board:  http://www.voicelessness.com

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BY POPULAR DEMAND 🙂  For information on Deliverance and Spiritual Warfare: (be sure to check the books available on most of these sites as well):

FREE download of Gene & Earline Moody’s The Deliverance Manual-  http://www.lakehamiltonbiblecamp.com/man/d-index.htm

Demonbusters website:   http://demonbuster.com

Francis Frangipane:  http://www.frangipane.org

Elijah House- John & Paula Sandford:   http://www.elijahhouse.org

Streams Ministries- John Paul Jackson: http://www.streamsministries.com

Jonas Clark Ministries:   http://jonasclark.com

Global Harvest Ministries- Doris Wagner:   http://globalharvestministries.org/index,asp?action=power

Jesus Work Ministry

Spoken Word Deliverance Ministry

Deliverance From Demons- Rev. Bill McGinnis

Christian Warfare- with Intercessor Team

Recommended books:

The Handbook For Spiritual Warfare, Dr. Ed Murphy

Strongman’s His Name…What’s His Game,  Drs. Jerry & Carol Robeson

Strongman’s His Name, II,  Drs. Jerry & Carol Robeson

Spiritual Warfare,   Richard Ing

Demons, The Answer Book,   Lester Sumrall

How To Cast Out Demons, Doris M. Wagner

The Three Battlegrounds, Francis Frangipane (and other books by Francis Frangipane)

Exposing Spiritual Witchcraft, Jonas Clark

Come Out! Handbook For The Serious Deliverance Minister, Jonas Clark

Needless Casualties Of  War, John Paul Jackson

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To study the Jezebel and Ahab Spirits:

     Jonas Clark, Spirit of Life Ministries  (Jezebel, Seducing Goddess of War!)  http://www.jonasclark.com/jezebelbookreview.htm

     Unmasking the Jezebel Spirit, by John Paul Jackson

     The Latter Rain Page   http://www.latter-rain.com/eschae/jezebel.htm

     Sure Word Ministries http://sureword.faithweb.com/discerningjez.html

    Confronting Jezebel: Discerning and Defeating The Spirit Of Control, by Steve Sampson

     Jezebel or Ahab Spirit- Article by Pam Clark-   http://www.prophetic.net/ahab.htm 

     End-Time Deliverance Ministry-  http://www.demonbuster.com/zcurseofaaj.html

  For A List Of Characteristics Of The Jezebel Spirit:     http://www.church-systems.com/JezebelCharacteristics.htm  

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Christian Resources:

     AmazingBible.org- A mega site of Bible, Christian, and religious information, studies and commentaries            http://www.AmazingBible.org

     ChristSites- A Christian search engine listing many great websites  http://christsites.com

     Praize- an online Christian Community including search engine, chat, news, shopping, etc.  http://www.praize.com 

     Fish the Net- an excellent index of Evangelistic sites and source of information.   http://www.fishthe.net

Uplifting Down-Home Gospel Music:

     Try the Gaither Homecoming Series videos, CDs, and tapes.  http://www.gaither.com 

Inspiration- Do Not Miss This Site- It is such a Blessing:

      http://wandascountryhome.com/spirit-index.html

Cancer Foundation For The Hopeless and Cornerstone of Hope Ministries, Pastor Annmarie Fontanez, Overseer:

       http:// www.cornerstone-of-hope.com.  

To Order Books:

   Christian Book Distributors:  http://www.christianbook.com

   Amazon-   http://www.amazon.com 

Helpful Definitions

***We call your attention to the important differences between Apologize/Apology  and Repent, Judge and Rebuke, Forgive and Reconcile, and Honor and Obey, Submit, Worship,  & Idolatry.

APOLOGIZE:        to make an apology

APOLOGY:          a statement of regret for having done wrong or hurt someone’s feelings

FORGIVE:            to cease to feel resentment against (an offender), pardon (one’s enemies); to give up resentment of

HONOR:               to regard or treat with honor or respect; a showing of usually merited respect

IDOLATER:          a worshiper of idols; a person that admires intensely and often blindly one that is not usually a subject of worship

IDOLATRY:          immoderate attachment or devotion to something

JUDGE:                to form an opinion about through careful weighing of evidence and testing of premises; to hold an opinion; to form an estimate or evaluation of

OBEY:                   to follow the commands or guidance of

REBUKE:            v:  to criticize sharply, reprimand; to turn back or keep down, check  n:  an expression of strong disapproval

RECONCILE:      to restore to friendship or harmony

REPENT:             to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one’s life; to feel regret or contrition; to change one’s mind

REPROBATE:     rejected as worthless or not standing a test; condemned and foreordained to damnation; morally abandoned, depraved; condemned strongly as unworthy, unacceptable, or evil

RESTITUTION:    a restoration of something to its rightful owner; a making good of or giving an equivalent for some injury

SUBMIT:               to yield to governance or authority

WORSHIP:           to honor or reverence as a divine being or supernatural power

Source:  Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary, Oxford American Dictionary

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