Off-Limits Subjects
OFF-LIMITS SUBJECTS
By Rev. Renee
Ever notice how certain subjects always seem to be fair game for our relatives to criticize, dictate, pry into, make demands about, pressure us, use for comparisons, or try to exert control over? When we feel our stomachs knotting up and our blood pressure rising, it’s often because the discussion just wandered into that aggravating territory, and trust me, it was no accident. Usually it’s the same subject or subjects every time, or at least most of the time- except for professional control-freaks who have to have something to say about almost everything.
Although individual budinskis each have their own style, if we take the time to understand their nature, we can usually predict their “modus operandi”.
A pushy, nervy relative will simply demand to know personal information, force his unwanted opinions on us, feel perfectly free to voice his disapproval and criticism of any aspect of our existence, and blatantly dictate his instructions for running our lives.
Others are more subtle, yet with practice we can still see it coming. Little by little, a perfectly innocent, pleasant conversation will start to take a turn toward a subject we’d rather not discuss. My birth-mother was an expert at this sneaky segue- working whatever she really wanted to talk about into conversations that started out having absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with her target topic. She could spend an hour getting to her REAL point in the most convoluted way possible. But eventually, I learned to recognize when this was happening and cut it off at the pass.
When we find ourselves repeatedly dragged into unwelcome conversations, it’s time to introduce the concept of personal privacy called Off-Limits Subjects. Some people just don’t get the concept of minding their own business, and will need to be told. These topics are not open for discussion simply because they’re nobody’s business, and also because we don’t want to hear it. Feel free to add to the list anything else you don’t wish to discuss.
It is inappropriate to remark, pressure, interrogate, dictate, demand, criticize, or question ***mature adults on any of the following topics:
If we’re going to get married
When we’re going to get married
Who we’re marrying or dating (unless he’s an abuser, addict or criminal)
If we’re going to have kids
When we’re going to have kids
How many kids we’re going to have
How we’re raising our kids (unless they’re being abused, neglected, or endangered)
What career we choose
Our religion
Our political views
How much money we make, invest, save, spend, or have in the bank
Where we choose to live
Our sex lives
The clothes we wear
The friends we choose
Comparing us to our siblings or mom’s friend’s daughter
Comparing our kids to somebody else’s kids.
Whether we choose to keep or to end other relationships
The limits we choose to set on other’s behavior
How clean we keep our house
Whether we cook dinner every night or eat fast food
What we eat
The pets we have
Anything at all about our appearance or how we look, unless it’s complimentary
Our weight
Our medical conditions
The hours we keep
How we spend our money
Our taste in anything, including clothes, home decor, men, friends, etc.
Our abilities or intelligence, unless it’s complimentary
How we choose to spend our time
Foolish mistakes we’ve made
Our harmless personality traits, such as shyness
Anything we are sensitive about
Things that make us feel uncomfortable
Anything we find embarrassing, humiliating, or offensive
Any other personal preferences
Any other personal information
Anything else we wish to keep private
Our boundaries and limits
As we’ve said before, once we become a***mature adult (as opposed to a chronological adult), we are EQUAL to every other adult. We do not obey other adults, we do not allow them to pry into our business, and we do not allow them to criticize, demean, pressure, or control us. And most of all, we do not answer to anyone but God about our personal lives.
Is our relative overstepping her bounds? A rule of thumb is to ask ourselves if we would be comfortable prying into her business or criticizing her on the same topic, and would she welcome our comments or be offended? If she thinks it’s inappropriate for us to comment on or question her about a particular subject, then it is also inappropriate for her to comment on or question US about the same subject. If she feels free to ask us how much money we make, then we should feel just as free to ask her how much money SHE makes. If she thinks it’s her place to point out that we’ve gained weight, then we are just as entitled to make negative comments about HER appearance. If she feels free to ask us about our sex lives, then we should feel just as free to ask her about HER sex life. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be EQUALS.
Telling a relative that she needs to mind her own business is never easy, but it’s a skill we need to learn. People who have the nerve to pry, criticize our decisions, interfere in our personal lives or invade our privacy don’t care that they are making us uncomfortable. They are too dense to get subtle hints that certain questions or remarks are inappropriate. We will have no choice but to be firm and direct in setting our limits.
So how to get the message across? Simply state, “That’s personal and I’m not going to discuss it with you, so let’s change the subject”, and then REFUSE to talk about it. Repeat if necessary, until she gives up. For more stubborn cases, you may have no choice but to firmly state, “That’s none of your business.”
***For a discussion on what defines a mature adult, see the 2-part article “A Price To Pay For Independence” on our website.
For more on this topic, see the articles “Setting Limits- The Cure For Getting No Respect” and “Learning To Say No” on our website.