MAY 2008 Newsletter

Luke 17: 3 is the scripture often misquoted, usually by an abuser or his enabler, when he tells you that the Bible says “Forgive and Forget”, or that you must forgive him because you are a Christian. However, Jesus is very specific when he tells us to rebuke the sinner, and if he repents, to forgive him. Have you rebuked your abuser, and has he or she repented?

THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL CONDONED BY SOCIETY. THE ONLY ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS CRITICIZED OR ABANDONED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF. CHILD ABUSE THAT DIDN’T END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN…THE CONTINUING ABUSE OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR PARENTS.

If you have ever experienced Adult Child Abuse by a parent, sibling, or other relative, We Welcome You!

Our newsletter is sent to you free-of-charge, as the Lord continually provides. Do you know someone who would like to be on our mailing list? 

Rev. Renee Pittelli

Luke 17:3 Ministries, Inc.

P.O. Box 684

Chestertown, NY 12817

Luke 173@hotmail.com

Please ask about our Luke 17:3 Ministry in Tennessee, founded by Rev. Denise Rossignol.

MAY 18, 2008- MAY 25, 2008

We will celebrate S.N.A.C.A. Week every year starting the Sunday after Mother’s Day to honor, encourage, and stand up for all the Adult Children everywhere who spent Mother’s Day hurting, aggravated, and stressed out because of abusive, controlling, or abandoning birth-families.

For S.N.A.C.A. Week, we will:

1. Spend five minutes every day this week lifting all abuse victims to the Lord in prayer, praying for protection for them, for the courage to do what they must to change their circumstances or leave their abusive relationships, and for peace of mind and heart.

2. Tell at least one person the truth about our abusive relative this week. Promise ourselves that for the rest of the year, we will not protect our abusive relative by our silence any longer, we will reveal the abuse to others, and will bring all deeds done in darkness into the light. Tell the truth and the truth shall set us free!

3. This week, we will choose one limit that we are going to set and enforce with our abusive or controlling birth-relative from now on.

4. This week, we will choose one thing we dread doing, but always get pressured into, such as spending a holiday with an abusive relative, and decide not to do it this year. By the end of the week, we will make concrete plans to do something else instead, and carry them out when the time comes.

5. This week, we will think of one thing we want to do, but haven’t yet, because of our family’s disapproval. We will commit to doing it this year, or, if it’s something long-term like finishing our education, commit to starting it this year.

6. This week, we will commit to validating, encouraging, and praying for any abuse victim the Lord causes to cross our paths for the rest of the year.

Please spread the word to your friends!

Join us and let’s take a stand together to stop birth family-abuse, by the grace of God

STARTING SUNDAY, MAY 18th!

I am a soldier in the Army of God.

The Lord Jesus Christ is my Commanding Officer.

The Holy Bible is my code of conduct.

Faith, prayer, and the Word are my weapons of warfare.

I have been taught by the Holy Spirit,

I will either retire in this Army at the rapture,

I am faithful, reliable, capable, and dependable.

I do not need to be pampered, petted, primed up, picked up, or pepped up.

No one has to call me, remind me, write me, visit me, entice me, or lure me.

No one has to send me flowers, gifts, food, cards, candy,

I do not need to be coddled, cradled, cared for, or catered to.

I cannot have my feelings hurt badly enough to turn me around.

I cannot be discouraged enough to turn me aside.

I cannot lose enough to cause me to quit.

When Jesus called me into this Army, I had nothing.

If I end up with nothing, I will still come out ahead.

My God has, and will continue, to supply all of my needs.

I can do all things through Christ.

For when my Commander calls me from this battlefield,

He will promote me to Captain and

And I am marching to claim the victory.

I am a soldier, marching heaven bound!

…Written by B.J. Morbitzer

THE WISDOM OF PROVERBS

A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise…Proverbs 15:12NIV

The Lord works out everything for his own ends- even the wicked for a day of disaster…Proverbs 16:4NIV

Dear Sisters,

            What kind of Mother’s Day card can we buy for a mother who relentlessly criticizes everything we do? How about a mother who likes to pit all her children against each other, or who has turned other family members against us? Do they make cards for demanding or manipulative mothers, or mothers who still scream at us, call us vile names, or lie about us? What kind of card will express a sentiment appropriate for a mother who beat us black and blue all throughout our childhoods? Or one who won’t give up control and still insists on trying to run our lives, even behind our backs if necessary? How about the mother who steals from us? Or the mother who ruins every nice family gathering by starting a fight? Or the mother who spent our entire childhood falling down drunk while we fended for ourselves and tried our best to take care of our younger siblings? Or the mother who screams at our kids and calls them names?

            Are there any cards out there for the mothers who refused to protect us from the fathers or stepfathers who abused us or sexually molested us? I don’t recall ever seeing a card thanking Mom for staying married to the man who raped us repeatedly when we were kids. Come to think of it, I don’t recall ever seeing a Father’s Day card either, that we could give to our abusive fathers without choking on every sappy word. I remember searching, often in vain, for a card that just said “Best Wishes” or “Happy Father’s Day to You” so that I wouldn’t feel like a complete hypocrite giving it to my abusive birth-father. I didn’t want to cringe as he opened it, smugly gloating over, and actually believing, every hypocritical word as if I had written them myself. What message would I be sending him with such a card? Was he going to think that no matter how wickedly he behaved, I still appreciated him and thought that he was great? It was like rewarding him for being an abuser. 

            During the Mother’s Day / Father’s Day months, we are bombarded with painful reminders of what we didn’t and don’t have. Reminders of wonderful, loving, supportive mother/daughter or son and father/ daughter or son relationships that other people have, and that we have trouble comprehending could even exist. Store displays with rows of maudlin cards thanking mom and dad for all their love, caring, and sacrifices. Malls full of sentimental tee-shirts, plaques, jewelry, candles, pillows, pictures, baseball caps, key rings, quilts, wall hangings and anything else merchandisers can possibly convince us to lavish on our loving parents. Specially wrapped boxes of chocolates. Bouquets of flowers in special Mother’s Day vases or planters, with special Mother’s Day ribbons.

            Every time we turn on the TV or open a newspaper we are treated to advertisements urging us to express our love and gratitude to dear old mom and dad. Gifts certificates, coupons, restaurants inviting you to bring mom in for a special meal on her special day. Reservations suggested, of course, because Mother’s Day is the busiest restaurant day of the year. And we can’t help but think that the last thing we need is to suffer warily through a meal that is bound to go downhill at any minute and for no discernable reason, in the middle of a mobbed restaurant full of loving families who truly are having a great time and enjoying each other’s company. 

            If we do go out to dinner, as we observe the families at other tables, it becomes harder and harder to deny our reality. The glaring differences between our family and theirs will be driven home to us like a slap in the face. Any minute now it will start- the put-downs, the snide remarks, the false accusations, the complaints, the insults, the argument. We feel tense and uncomfortable, surprised to realize that we’re not having a very good time, and irritated with ourselves for expecting anything else, when we should have learned by now. We force ourselves to smile, but we feel surprisingly close to tears. 

            Celebrating Mother’s Day and Father’s Day presents many painful dilemmas to those of us who still have our abusers in our lives. For those of us who are no longer in contact with our abusers, there is the inevitable pang of sorrow for what we’re missing out on, and what we’ve always missed out on. No, it’s not fair. It’s sad, and it’s depressing. And there are millions of us out there, who are going through exactly the same heartache.

            So, what now? How are we going to take these lemons and turn them into lemonade? The answer lies in creating our own new traditions. Some of us choose to ignore these holidays, stay away from the malls, and avoid situations that bring up painful thoughts or memories. Some of us distract ourselves, use the day to clean out our closets, or lock ourselves in our apartment with a good movie or a good book, and take the phone off the hook until tomorrow. 

            Those who still have contact with their abusive mothers might “honor” them by sending flowers or calling a few days before, and then planning a weekend getaway on the actual holiday, by themselves or with friends. Some go to the movies for the day, treat themselves to a jumbo popcorn, and contentedly munch their way through two or three films. Some invite friends over for a Sunday dinner party, barbeque, or card game, with no mention of it being Mother’s or Father’s Day. Some roll up their sleeves and get their vegetable or flower gardens planted. One sister I know makes herself a nice pot of coffee and spends Mother’s Day writing out and addressing her Christmas cards, which she buys the year before during the after-Christmas sales!

            Do you have a nice elderly lady or gentleman neighbor who will be spending these holidays alone? Why not invite her or him to join you for a meal and a movie? How about visiting your local hospital, nursing home, or veteran’s home and reading to a bedridden patient? Or volunteering to take a few dogs from your local animal shelter out for a walk? Why not share your lemonade and brighten someone else’s day?

           Those of us with children of our own need to shift our mindset a bit- to where WE ARE THE MOTHER in the family. We are no longer the CHILD in our mother’s family. We are the MOTHER in our children’s family. Now it’s time for US to be treated nice and appreciated. Time to let our children have fun trying to make Mother’s Day special for us. Time for us to enjoy this day with our own family and make it OUR day. Time to claim it for ourselves. 

            The key to changing things is to plan ahead. Plan right now what we are going to do differently this year- either ignoring these days and treating them like any other, or celebrating in new and special ways. Decide not to do anything this year that you dread doing. Think of whatever would make you happy and do it, instead. Think of whatever would bring you peace and enjoyment, and then do it. If you can think of a way to share your lemonade with someone else, especially someone who might be sad or lonely, even better. Go out and share the love of God with them. 

            We can refuse to spend these holidays upset and depressed. We can put negative associations out of our heads and refuse to dwell on them. We can replace them with positives and make up our minds to have a nice day despite our birth-families or our past history. It’s a new day, and God has made everything new again. We have a choice. 

Blessings and love, Sister Renee

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God…..Psalms 40: 1-3 NIV

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!….2 Corinthians 5: 17 NIV

But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness….2 Peter 3:13 NIV

No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. If he does, the new piece will pull away from the old, making the tear worse. And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, he pours new wine into new wineskins…..Mark 2: 21-22 NIV

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and will be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”…..Revelation 21: 3-5 NIV

GOD’S WORD

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord….Ephesians 6:4NIV

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged…..Colossians 3:21NIV

Jesus said to his disciples: “Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.”….Luke 17:1-2 NIV

While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, “Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!” At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing….Job 1: 17:22 NIV

After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before….The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than he had the first….And he also had seven sons and three daughters….After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. And so he died, old and full of years….Job 42: 10, 12, 13, 16-17 NIV

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven….If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect…..Matthew 5: 44-48 NIV

          We recently received an e-mail with a thought-provoking question. The Lord has led me to use this question and its answer in an article. I believe it is especially relevant for our Mother’s Day newsletter, and I pray that it will bless you. Many thanks to our Sister who took the time to write to us with this excellent question.

          Q: I have been reading your site with interest – thanks for it. I just wondered how you interpret the instructions to love our enemies?

          A: Thanks so much for writing.  I’m so glad you’re enjoying our site. Praise the Lord! That’s really a great question.  It’s really sad and unfortunate that some people will choose to be our enemies even though we never wanted it that way.  I don’t see any conflict at all in loving someone while still setting limits on their behavior, rebuking them, or even leaving them if necessary.

          Rebuke, setting boundaries, and even enforcing consequences can all be acts of love, done in love.  We love our children, but we still set limits on their behavior, teach them right from wrong, disapprove when they hurt others, and teach them good manners, thoughtfulness, consideration and to treat others nicely.  We take the time to rebuke and teach them precisely because we DO love them.  We can do the same with our abusive relatives.  We can expect proper behavior from them, disapprove of causing pain for others, have boundaries, and refuse to be subjected to abuse or evil, and still love them.  The reason we try so hard to work things out is because we love them.  But do they love us enough to work things out?

          After we have confronted them and stated our boundaries, it is then their choice whether they will respect our limits or continue to abuse.  It is their choice whether the relationship will be able to continue, or will have to end.  Many abusers, when confronted with limits on their behavior, will choose to end the relationship rather than change, and will disown us.  This will cause us much sorrow, precisely because we do love and miss them.  It will take time before we will be able to heal and move on.

          There are also times when we will have no choice but to be the ones to walk away from a toxic relationship.  This is a very difficult decision, usually reached in desperation after many years of trying everything we could think of to make the relationship work, and reluctantly coming to realize that it takes two to tango, and our relative does not care about us enough to even try.  We spend most of our lives trying to change things precisely because we DO love our relative and want so much to have a nice relationship.  It is very painful to walk away from someone we love, but there are times we have no choice.

          Loving someone does not mean you have to have a relationship with them.  As we go through life, most of us at one time or another will have the experience of just not being able to be with someone we love, because we’re not good together, not good for each other, or they’re not right for us or healthy for us.  This could be an old boyfriend, a childhood school chum, or a family member.  As time passes, we come to accept this and know that it’s a part of life, and maybe even look back on our time with that person fondly while moving on with our own lives.   Loving someone does not mean staying in a toxic situation.  Sometimes you love someone but you still have to walk away.  You can love someone from a distance if that’s what it takes to be safe and healthy. 

          Abusers, of course, are going to accuse us of not loving them if we set limits on them, rebuke them, disown them, or even if they disown us.  This is due to many reasons, including manipulation, yet another attempt to control us, or their trademark denial and refusal to be accountable for their own behavior and to blame us or everyone else for the consequences of their own actions.  They are looking at it from a warped perspective and we should not take their accusations of unlovingness on our parts seriously.  The ones who are unloving in the relationship are THEM, not us.

          Love doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be abused, exploited, mistreated, and victimized.  It doesn’t mean letting the person you love do anything they want, no matter how wrong or evil, without ever stopping them.  You do not owe the people you love a lifetime of being allowed to walk all over you.  If they refuse to treat you with love, you can still love them as a part of your past and understand that, for reasons not in your control, they cannot be a part of your present and will not be a part of your future.  You will mourn and grieve this loss, as you would the loss of anyone you love.  And then you will begin to heal and move on to a better life.     

          So these are the reasons why I have no problem reconciling loving those who choose to be our enemies while still protecting ourselves and our other loved ones.  I don’t see anything contradictory about what we write on our website and loving our relatives.  Love and boundaries are not mutually exclusive. 

          Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds-his name is the Lord- and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land….Psalm 68: 4-5 NIV   

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah….Psalm 62: 5-8 NIV 

Thank you, Jesus!

We praise you, Abba Father!

Glory to God!